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♥ Wednesday, February 27, 2008
02:53

haf u ever come across - speak de truth when u r drunk.. well i'm not exactly drunk but wateva i'm blogging tdy, it meant everything n everything dat i've kept within me for de past few months n i finally cant keep it anymore except letting it out.. feeling very emo now.. sometimes i feel like i'm a kid who never grow out of its age.. dat's wat i protray to pple & dat's wat they tink of me.. but only deep down inside me, i'm de only person who knows exactly how i feel,, met a fren of mine tdy.. sometimes i disagree wif her attitude & behaviour but still i cant juz let her out of my sight cuz somwhow or another she's de one who inspire me de most.. who gave me de courage to do wat i really wanna do & she's de one who really pushes me n tink more than wat i can give.. now, let me really share wat i really wanna give or haf..

met up wif a gf tdy.. she told me dat i actually gave her feeling dat i'm not really to commit into a relationship.. dat's so wrong, seriously.. i told her i'm really & more than ready to start a relationship, get married & start my own family.. i've always fantasize abt wat kind of kids iw ould haf n how i would i educate me.. but de problem right now is i cant seem to find one whom i will love whole-heartedly or to simply put it, i've yet to find someone whom i've decide to spend a lifetime with.. frenz been telling me to find a guy who loves me more than i love him.. all i can tell is i can never be with one whom i dun even love so wat even if he loves me.. it's really a torture.. tried it.. it's not even interesting at all.. i really wanna find a guy whom i love n loves me too.. but somehow or another it seems so impossible or put it simply i cant find one.. besides my very first bf whom i feel dat i was stupid enuff to give him up, other than dat i never actually found someone like him, which means someone whom i love n who loves me.. so wat is love all abt? after awhile i gave up looking for love.. instead i search for fulfilment in life, which is job & money satisfaction.. i never dream of finding a golden tortoise (rish guy) which sounds impossible instead i long for earning dat by myself.. after a thorough sharing session, i've decided, i'm gonna proceed wif wat i haf at de back of my mind which is a plan or i shld consider my future..

now this sounds pretty random, but de other day when i finally had a chance to go thru facebook, i chance by reuben's webpage.. as i was looking thru de photos posted by loved ones, i started tearing unconsciously.. i suddenly realised dat they r no longer around, esp jeremy.. but de other part of me was still living in de past.. tinking they r still ard.. wtd to give jeremy a buzz & see when's he's free to meet me.. but i slapped myself to reality.. "pls they r not ard anymore" no matter how hard i tink abt it, wat kind of possibilities.. all cld answered was they r not ard anymore.. de more i tink abt it, de more i teared.. human nature - regrets.. u only regret when things had happened n der's nothing dat u can do to change it, put it simply it's too late, nothing can b done.. i cant change history.. otherwise it shldnt b known as history..

so my new goals r instead of focusing on unattainable goals, instead i shld focus on goals dat i can achieve.. first of all, my career, nothing else more than dat.. wish me luck..