i was fuming mad yesterday.. as in really mad.. took up this assignment to help babysit an expat's baby.. all along i knew this was frm yc's agency but he didnt know it was me who's taking up de assignment till tues when cc msg him my email add.. den waited de whole day for his email.. when i spoke to cc on tues evening.. she told me actually der r two babies dat need to b babysitted so yc needed two persons.. jasmine came across my mind so i thot mayb can ask her but she couldnt make it.. as usual i always turn to my buddy, melissa.. she thot i needed help so she decided to take up de assignment despite having a very tight schedule.. i did tell her was yc's lobang but she didnt realise it till wed nite.. anywae he finally emailed me on wed.. checked my email at work.. under de eyes of cc, i replied yc's email.. though i was hesitating whether to take up de assignment anot but bcuz it was cc, i decided not to play him out.. nevertheless, i'm hoping de rest of my assumptions were all wrong but u cant blame me for tinking likewise.. cuz everything is almost impossible.. apparrently someone called mel at 6plus asking whether if she still wanna take up de assignment.. she tried asking for my opinion but was busy n i didnt reply her.. anywae she took up de assignment.. on wed at 7plus someone called my hp.. he address himself as sheryl's colleague.. this is de interesting part.. for goodness sake.. i haf known him like 4yrs n haf spoken to him b4.. would i haf not recognise dat it was him? in de end he told me de assignment has been postponed to next wk.. i was like stunned.. obviously i cant make it next wk cuz i requested for my off these 2 days to take up de assignment.. i was like so mad.. r u trying to make fun of me or fool me or anything? i seriously believe in retribution.. if dat's really wat he meant.. he's seriously overboard now.. he's really taking me for granted.. dat's not de worst.. called mel at 6plus telling her dat de assignment has been postponed.. this poor gal was already out.. her parents were so mad abt it.. i'm really serious dat he really meant it n dat de expat really postponed their conference or smthg.. better not let me hear de truth.. women r always vicious.. like i always say i may b nice to u but do not take advantage of situation.. i really would like to believe dat de assignment is postponed.. but i dun believe dat someone would juz cancel their conference, look i'm talking abt conference not meeting or anything.. unless i cant differentiate between conference n meeting.. anywae i was saying i dun believe one will juz cancel their conference last min.. anywae de truth will always b told.. i'm juz waiting.. cmon if he doesnt wan any of us to take up de assignment den juz say so.. wateva.. i nvr expect us to become like dat.. look how earth evolve n how humans really change.. it felt great to vent my frustration cuz i feel so much better everytime.. nvm it's all over..

i finally went n register for class3.. tks to eric for fetching me ard.. he's such a sweetheart.. shld brand him de super coach.. haha.. did running wif him.. tink i can push myself alittle bit more during next trg.. hopefully i dun get any pain anywhere.. it's really sucky when u try n push urself but u cant do it cuz u r like feeling pain somewhere.. but i was surprised dat my personal best for 10km was not 50mins instead a 44mins.. anywae my aim now was to get a sub50mins for my standard chartered relay..

met weiping for dinner.. this guy really love japanese food.. de last time i met him we had japanese food.. got myself a new dress n a new book.. somehow or another i kinda like chinese author but of cuz in english la.. haha.. got this book called "brothers" seems interesting.. guess it all depends on how long i'll take to finish.. if not like "mens r frm mars, women r frm venus" i haf yet to complete it n i tink i've been on it for months.. haha.. went n watched evan almighty.. it was pretty good i would say.. not only was it funny but it was pretty touching as well.. tink i felt tears coming out.. haha.. de moment when de wife returned to evan after leaving him tinking he was mad.. but i tink it's kinda true.. u pray to god wanting smthg.. god does give u dat but juz dat u cant give it to u directly.. u r supposed to learn frm it or do smthg to achieve it.. "u pray to b patience, god dun give u patience but instead he gives u a situation n teach u to b patience.." tink it's really a good movie for me cuz no matter how bad life can b.. it's meant to b this way cuz god is teaching u a valuable lesson.. learn frm it n it'll come in handy in future, n teaches u to deal wif situation..

been tinking alot de past few days abt how i wan my life to b.. wat i wan my future to b.. wat's de next step i wanna do in life.. haf been posting these questions to myself lately.. n i tink i will still b doin it till i find de right answer..

haf been drained by all these thots.. but thank god, der was timothy & david who kept me thru all these long-dreaded nite.. they r really juz a phone call away.. they r like de sweetest thing on earth to me now..

i cant really rely on liz as she's far away.. she has her own life to lead too.. mel has been so busy wif work.. i dun wanna add more to her burden as well.. hiaz..

david was so sweet.. was talking to him juz now.. he saw my msn nick n was encouraging me.. besides mongling.. he was like de next person to encourage me.. thanks guys.. really appreciate dat alot alot..

i know mel has always been der too.. she knew i needed to chat wif someone on my way home dat she actually called me n accompanied me on my way home.. thanks babe.. i'm glad to haf met these grps of frenz.. who haf been der when i needed help n support..

tink tim was de best.. always accompanying me till late nite.. it's really nice to talk to him.. cuz smtimes we haf de same goals so we haf kinda became each other's encourager, supporter.. haha..

it's really amazing how life gets twisted n turned n become like wat we r now.. it's really very amazing.. i'm feeling abit of happiness now.. n i'm trying very hard to b like wat i used to b.. it's gonna take some time so frenz pls bear wif me.. <3>

yeap once again i feel dat life is so vulnerable.. even if u tink u can do it but by de time u realise it, u r probably gone frm this world.. cuz it's juz de fact dat u cant do it.. i always believed in life is so short so simply enjoy n do wateva u wanna do.. but now der's a continuation to it.. do wateva u wanna do but to ur limit.. cuz life is simply not as amazing as u tink it can b or shld i say life is vulnerable.. u r not as strong as wat u tink u r..

was working morning shift on sun morning.. de day where army half marathon was held.. de before accident me would haf participated in it but i cant make it so i simply put myself to work.. but at 9am my colleague received a phone call saying a guy was admitted for heat stroke n needed or heat stroke room to shower de patient so as to cool him down.. within 5 mins, we receive another phone call saying der's another one.. within de next 5mins my icu reg received a phone call saying total der r 3 of them but out of which one had passed away b4 he arrived in de hospital.. one boy came in to me, he was in a really bad state of delirium.. he headed my head when we were trying to hold him down while my dr was trying to insert an arterial line for him.. it was loud n it hurts.. it still hurts a little till now.. he's really strong.. was tinking de whole time whether if i'll see any farmiliar faces which i hope i dun.. next thing i realise, i met roy poh.. so de guy who was admitted is his cadet in ocs.. de 3 guys were all in de ahm team.. they were trying to win de race.. yes, i might b impt to win de race but it's even more impt to keep urself alive.. look wat had happen to cpt ho.. a young chap like him juz gone as a result of trying to do well for his race.. de guy who was admitted even smarter.. while trying to cut short his timing, he decided to miss all de drinking point.. omg u r running a 21km not a 10km.. he didnt even hydrate himself properly b4 de race.. all he drank was a cup of h2o b4 de race.. huh? do u even call dat hydration? i haf no idea at all.. i used to tink running afetr partying is fine but not after this incident.. i would rather think sufficent rest and hydration is even more impt than anything else.. i would rather sacrifice my partying time for my slp if i'm goin for anymore races in future..

went chilling out wif tim earlier on.. since de day when i met edwin, i simply cant get him out of my mind.. this is bad.. hiaz.... i really hope i can see him soon.. was talking to another fren last nite.. omg we actually spoke to each other for 1hr plus.. we haf nvr spoke n for such a long time.. morever wif a guy.. it was amazing n it was really great to chat wif him n reminishing de old time.. hehs..

frenz dat i used to tink i can rely on in time of need r not der.. instead frenz whom i dun expect to b ard actually can sense my unhapppiness... i'm really touched by all ur behaviour.. in order to prove dat i'm still de same old me, i'll do wat i used to do but u guys really need to give me alot of time.. but this time round diana is not only badly hurt but there's too much stuff in her brain dat she need to sort them thru.. but i really appreciate dat u guys can really sense how i really feel even though i haf always been wearing my mask to meet u guys.. tks guys.. love u..

managed to wake up on time for work this morning even though i only slept at 2am last nite.. my definition of on time was to take train to work n to reach on time.. haha..

went nyp and ran wif eric.. no idea y but guess he's de only person so far dat i'll juz let go of my mask & b a real me.. i didnt realise dat i'm still in a state of depression.. i know wat he said was true.. i'm a strong gal both mentally & physically.. wateva i've been thru not everyone can do de job as good as me.. but i've really used up all my happy pills.. been juz wearing my mask around.. noones know de real me inside.. how am i feeling.. how am i doing.. somehow or another i felt everyone was juz waiting for me to entertain them.. keep them happy.. i swear i enjoy making pple happy but there r juz these few pple dat has been making me upset.. not many can really make me happy.. wat am i supposed to do? i cant blame anyone for how i feel.. it's not fair to them.. cant find someone whom i can really pour all my feelings out.. well in a way i hate to let pple know dat i'm upset or disappointed.. whenever i'm upset or disappointed or stress... all i need to do is to do my sports.. i mean i can still run now but running like how i used to to get rid of all de negative thots is equivalent to killing myself now.. de last time i did dat i had backache for a few days.. it was so bad dat it even affected my mobilisation.. i dun wish for dat to happen.. when eric was like talking to me, i knew he was trying to help me to gain back my positive attitude.. but seriously i juz cant find de strength to do so anymore.. de more he talked abt it, de tears were all at de brim.. i nearly juz broke down but i decided to hang on.. till de day i can find out wat's making me feeling so negative otherwise i can nvr get out of this state.. so everyone juz haf to enjoy me wearing my mask.. who's not enjoying that.. at least they r happy n i can make them happy..

been tinking abt edwin de last few days.. i really cant stop tinking abt him.. but wat's wrong wif me? i know it's impossible between de two of us yet i'm like still hoping for smthg to happen.. could this b one of de reason y i keep having negative thots? i seriously haf no idea.. y noone is telling me to forget abt him.. when i tell them i wanna msg him, they actually advised to go ahead.. aint u sending me to my own grave? but on second thot, even if they were to tell me to forget him, i probably cant do it till i hear wif my own ears or see wif my own eyes dat he's happily attached.. i believe if he's happily attached, he probably wun b out having fun n i remember him saying he's not ready for marriage.. oh god, y am i tinking of all these? stop tinking, IDIOT!!

der's alot of plans in my head now, i really dun know which one to go for it.. i seriously cant decide.. but i tink i shld get away frm here.. singapore has left me far too much hurt than happiness.. but wateva it is, i'm giving myself till next yr.. shall decide again..

was awoken by my aunt.. expected her to call me sooner or later.. i'm pretty sure pple r gonna ask me abt my insurance money.. i know i've got a little spare cash now.. it's up to me how i wanna spend it.. i juz felt like pampering my sis so i got her a LV wallet for her bday.. my aunt was like telling me not to tell my sis.. but y? saying she's afraid she might ask more stuff frm me.. which she seldom.. is it wrong of me to pamper her? morever she's my sister, it's juz right dat i pamper her.. den she told me not to tell my parents.. but they r my own family members, y cant i share wif them? wateva la.. i really tink dat pple do things to their own benefits.. i might haf a little more or shld i say spare cash now but pls dun tink dat i've become a millionaire or smthg.. which i'm not.. if i knew getting this sum of money will give me so much headache, i would rather dat i didnt get it.. now she's asking me to return some to de aunt dat i'm staying wif for de money she help me to come up wif my granny's n grandpa's funeral.. i tried returning it to her straight after de funeral but she didnt wan.. in de first plc u tink i like to owe this kind of money? of cuz not.. de cousin dat help me to get de claim wants me to buy her a dress.. wateva la.. everyone's like trying to benefit frm my insurance which i havent even benefit myself frm it.. seriously i would rather not haf de money.. it juz makes my life miserable.. mayb i shld juz misplace de money.. fantastic.. den noone can blame me for not spending money on them or wat.. of cuz i know who treats me well n stuff.. of cuz i'll treat these pple in some way or another but pls dun interefere wif how i wanna spend them.. i seriously believe human being r a selfish lot.. am i like them as well? i'm really gettin very tired of this.. sometimes i really feel like getting out of here.. i'm already 25 n i need my own privacy some time.. i dun mind my aunt trying to interfere wif my life sometimes.. but at other time i juz wanna b on my own leading my own life.. i really dun know wat to say.. but i tink i wanna leave here soon.. go to a plc where noone knows me, n lead my own life.. i might make a lot of frenz, i might not.. but it doesnt matter to me anymore.. though i always believe frenz play a very impt role in my life.. i appreciate wat each n everyone tries to do, but i tink i'm feeling tired trying to pls everyone, trying to make everyone happy.. who's gonna really make me happy.. i guess i've surpressed my own real feelings for too long dat now i'm numb.. i dun feel anything, anymore.. thought my prob wif mel was de main issue for my depression but now i tink it's not.. i'm having a major issue wif my life now cuz i no longer feel satisfaction in life anymore.. i really hate it.. now to tink back, i wished god had taken my life away.. living in de real world is really horrible.. i dun wish to live, god, can i exchange my life wif ian? i tink he has more to accomplish in life than i do.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna accomplish now.. der's nothing in de real world dat's pulling me back frm death.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna hold on to.. der's juz nothing dat i can tink of dat's really worthy of me living for..

been running to n fro to wd58 tdy.. no idea y but guess i juz miss dat plc.. went der early in de morning den went for my BCLS re-cert wif kak masnia.. met soohui, ended up wif her for de whole session n we even went for lunch together n measured our uniform b4 heading back to ward.. was given de wrong schedule so didnt bring my scrub suit.. end up wearing monling's uniform to work.. tink i'm gonna miss wearing scrub suit once de new uniform is out.. it's pretty translucent though.. guess probably patients will get more tachynoeic esp seeing those nurses in tight uniforms.. haha..

went sch for tut n lect.. i was so sleepy.. cldnt focus at all even after drinking two cups of coffee.. slept for almost 6hrs last nite but mayb didnt sleep well cuz i was juz too sleepy to even stay awake thru lect.. i better start studying for my exam soon otherwise i'm sure i'll fail this module again.. dun wanna waste my money anymore..

went back sgh again after sch to look for tim.. went supper wif him n david.. they r damn funny lor.. really very entertaining to go out wif them.. u'll nvr feel upset or anything cuz they r forever talking nonsense.. haha.. guess we were juz laughing de whole time n was de loudest at prata house at thomson.. i was so hungry cuz dat was dinner cum supper for me.. hopefully i can b successful wif my weight lost, tink i did cuz i lost abt 2.5kg within two weeks.. probably getting sick plays a part in it but i hate being sick.. cuz u'll juz feel so lethargic to do anything..

spoke to mel since i got home for almost one n half hour.. i knew y i haf been feeling depressed but i refused to accept de fact dat it was bcuz of her till she read my blog n wrote me a message.. only den i realised i couldnt keep it frm her anymore n i juz let out everything.. kinda disappointed wif myself for doubting her.. to tink she has always spoken up for me which resulted in most of her arguements.. i'm so sorry babe.. anywae it was good dat now de air has cleared up.. i can feel dat happiness is slowly seaping back into my blood.. dat's wat i've always been anywae or i shld say my personality: happy-go-lucky.. shall let fate decide whether we shld go away anot.. but i'm pretty sure we'll b able to get a tix though it's only this wkend.. hehs..

oh yah, met david juz now n he passed me smthg.. thot he gave me a gift den i realised de gift does look familiar.. it's a gift i gave someone for his bday but he didnt want to accept it n return me.. i've nvr met such a person before.. i dun know but mayb cuz i was scolded for this b4 by my frenz.. this guy dat i didnt like b4 gave me a bday gift n i returned it back to him n my frenz all scolded me n i took de gift back.. gift once given shld not b returned.. u can do wateva u wan wid it.. i dun know how to express this feeling but i finally n really understood smthg.. he's really someone who's not worthy of my love or even friendship.. wat a guy he has turn out to b.. someone who's so different when i first knew him.. well, like wat pple has always say: love is blind.. i really believe this is true so blind till i end up believing him time n again.. hurt not once but thrice.. once bitten twice shy is not enuff for me.. anywae wateva he wanna do.. even his good fren oso dun bother him anymore y shld i even care.. i'm happy wif how i lead my life now.. sooner or later he'll b out of my mind before i even realise n juz like b4.. shall not give up a tree for de whole forest.. haha.. i'm not dat old so i still got my options n i shall keep it open till de day i find my prince charming..

one of my fantasy: my prince charming playing piano for me under de sunset till de sky turns dark n firework fill de sky n brighten up de sky.. how romantic.. haha..

here goes de weekend.. day by day, week by week, month by month.. sometimes i'm really afraid how fast time flies.. without u realising it, one day is over, next before u knew it, a week has past.. i'm afraid for i felt i haf yet to accomplish anything.. tell me abt it: wat haf i even accomplish anywae.. wat has happen to all my dreams? has it come to a standstill? i havent really been goin out recently but i realise i didnt do much as well.. so where haf i spend all my time to? weird.. guess i spend most of it sleeping.. i juz feel so lethargic without sports.. i really muz get back to my active life soon otherwise it'll die a naturally death which is bad.. really really bad.. i still wanna do my 10k relay for this standard chartered.. n i wanna start dragonboating & adventure racing by next year.. but meanwhile i muz really nurse my body back to well or even better than before.. hehs..

anywae it's siyu's bday tdy.. wtd to go n give her a surprise by bringing a cake to her at work cuz she's working nite shift.. but i'm quite tired n lazy n i've got BCLS tmr.. while i was studying, i was tinking whether if i can do it tmr.. firstly bcuz of my injuring.. not sure if my left hand can really bend properly n pumped properly.. plus i'm still coughing so i've a very bad feeling dat i cant blow into de mannequine.. boring..

can u believe it? i'm doin nite again.. i dun mind la but it's really very frequent.. but i'm kinda stuck.. though i haf de weekend off.. i'm torn between goin away wif melissa n goin for wd58 BBQ.. i really wanna go away cuz i really miss diving but i had promised my frenz frm wd58 dat i'll attend de BBQ without fail.. cuz without me, there'll b not as much fun.. hehs.. nah, but i really miss my colleagues frm wd58.. though i've made some nice frenz in MICU but i knew my frenz in wd58 so much longer plus i'm like so close wif so many of them.. on the other hand, i tink i shared alot of stuffs wif alot of pple, sometimes i really wonder, is it a good thing or a bad one.. will they turn their back against me one day n spill out wateva i haf told them? anywae if they really do so, i'm oso not afraid cuz i haf not done anything bad to anyone too.. haha..

my good-for-nothing brother got into an accident.. thank god he's not injured but i've to pay for damages to de car.. stupid guy.. shant pay for his damages but if i dun den my parents haf to.. sucky.. based on all my expenses, tink i'll used up my insurance money in no time.. F***Ked UP!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIYU!!

tink i found de key to my happiness.. tink i know why i've been feeling down so often.. cuz i tink too much.. sometimes tinking too much really kills me.. i shld juz do wat i feel like doin.. go out wif who i feel like goin out wif.. simply to say do wateva please me.. dat's my key to happiness..

tink mel is right.. sometimes i really spent alot on my frenz.. but i really cant help it.. i enjoy spending on my frenz instead of indulging in things i like.. dat's kinda weird, is dat so? mayb not.. hehs..

guess today was one of my most carefree day.. go wif de flow, did wat i feel like doin.. but kinda got reprimanded by my senior.. for some missing drugs which i haf no idea n for a small mistake.. i know it was my fault dat i didnt report it.. but den i didnt cause any harm to my patients.. she sounded as if i didnt know wat was right or wat was wrong.. but den i dun blame her too cuz if de doctors were to question, they definitely will question her first.. guess i gotta b a little more hardworking.. need to brush up more on my skills otherwise i will not b outstanding anymore.. hehs..

one of my colleagues gave a talk today, could tell frm her voice dat she was quite nervous but i tink she did a great job.. if i were her, i'll probably haf my knees shivering behind de stand.. haha.. went sch wif my other two colleagues.. while waiting for class to start, i shared wif them my experience during my hospitalisation.. to come to tink of it, i tink i was really dreaming moments before i hit de car.. wat de hell was i tinking of man.. i muz b nuts..

met my fren n joined my ex-colleagues, watched secrets by jay chou.. de movie was alrite but i love de piano pieces.. there were really good n i tink he's really music talented.. if i were to meet a guy who'll play piano pieces for me, omg i tink i'll juz fall in love wif de person.. but on second thots, i find it really hard to fall in love again.. when will my prince charming appear? next week is fireworks week, i really wanna spend dat special moment wif someone special, but not too hopeful abt it cuz it'll b great if i watch it wif my frenz too..

met cheryl.. oh man, i really miss secondary sch days.. no as tiring as now.. hiaz.. how wonderful to b young n playful once again.. no worries.. looking forward to goin sch everyday.. but those moments were really worth cherishing for de rest of my life..

wonder wat has gotten into me recently.. guess besides SART & my colleagues.. i dun even feel like meeting any of my other frenz.. well, so wat r frenz? how do u tell whether if they r good or bad.. real or fake? is it by word of mouth or by wat they haf done? been living in hell for de past week.. esp. after wat i haf found out.. i really cant help it but i vented my frustration while i was running n i ended up wif a backache which lasted for almost a week.. haf i not done enuff? did i ask for any returns? no i dun.. but y pple juz dun understand me dat certain things i do or i give i never expected a return.. all i want was juz appreciation n not doubting my words.. if one can treat friendship so lightly, i dun c y i shld do so much for a fren.. kinda felt stupid.. hiaz.. no comments.. frenz dat were really around when i was sick, i haf got eyes to see.. i guess those dat really deserve my appreciations, i haf yet to shown enuff.. which i guess i shall make use of now to do it before i haf got not enuff time to do so.. like wat pple always say: life is short.. u never know wat will happen.. i dun wanna leave in regrets..

am i really very mean to tink dat way.. but i really cant help it.. anywae now looking back.. haf i been talking too much dat i accidentally gossip abt smone behind their backs? mayb i shld juz shut up.. juz learn smthg new.. since i cant stop talking.. mayb i shld juz cont chewing so dat i wun talk since my mouth is full.. wateva it is, i'ma lousy fren.. tink i shld be left alone.. thrown into a world where noone cares or bother abt each other..

haf been sick since sat n haf yet to recover.. i realise i fall sick easily nowsaday.. n i'm taking so long to recover.. wat de fuck is wrong wif my body.. nothing seems to b goin right.. life sux..

i really cant help but i muz vent this frustration.. i juz find it riduculous for a fren to b involved in a fren's relationship.. haf i not heard wat u haf done to my gf otherwise wat makes u tink dat i dislike u? on the hind side.. haf u been telling ur bf smthg, otherwise why will ur bf tink of me in this way? wateva u haf been telling him, haf u been fair to me.. haf u been telling de truth? i nvr believe in getting involved in a fren's relationship.. haf u really stopped u frm being wif him? somehow or another i felt dat after one round n another, ur issue wif each other was me.. wat de heck.. it's ok if u dun appreciate, but dun blame me for smthg dat's not working.. dun do stuff dat n get find out.. remember one can nvr escape wif a lie.. utimately u'll juz live in regret for hurting a fren..

a DeViL iN an AnGeL dIsgUiSe..


"you put the pink back in the sky,
you insert the rainbow in my eyes,
you're that silver lining in my prayer,
painting colours everywhere."


diplomatic and urbane
romantic and charming
easygoing and sociable
idealistic and peaceable
indecisive and changeable
gullible and easily infuenced
flirtatious and self-indulgent

LIKES
♥The finer things in life
♥Sharing
♥conviviality
♥Gentleness

DISLIKES
-Violence
-Injustice
-Brutishness
-Being a slave to fashion

i was fuming mad yesterday.. as in really mad.. took up this assignment to help babysit an expat's baby.. all along i knew this was frm yc's agency but he didnt know it was me who's taking up de assignment till tues when cc msg him my email add.. den waited de whole day for his email.. when i spoke to cc on tues evening.. she told me actually der r two babies dat need to b babysitted so yc needed two persons.. jasmine came across my mind so i thot mayb can ask her but she couldnt make it.. as usual i always turn to my buddy, melissa.. she thot i needed help so she decided to take up de assignment despite having a very tight schedule.. i did tell her was yc's lobang but she didnt realise it till wed nite.. anywae he finally emailed me on wed.. checked my email at work.. under de eyes of cc, i replied yc's email.. though i was hesitating whether to take up de assignment anot but bcuz it was cc, i decided not to play him out.. nevertheless, i'm hoping de rest of my assumptions were all wrong but u cant blame me for tinking likewise.. cuz everything is almost impossible.. apparrently someone called mel at 6plus asking whether if she still wanna take up de assignment.. she tried asking for my opinion but was busy n i didnt reply her.. anywae she took up de assignment.. on wed at 7plus someone called my hp.. he address himself as sheryl's colleague.. this is de interesting part.. for goodness sake.. i haf known him like 4yrs n haf spoken to him b4.. would i haf not recognise dat it was him? in de end he told me de assignment has been postponed to next wk.. i was like stunned.. obviously i cant make it next wk cuz i requested for my off these 2 days to take up de assignment.. i was like so mad.. r u trying to make fun of me or fool me or anything? i seriously believe in retribution.. if dat's really wat he meant.. he's seriously overboard now.. he's really taking me for granted.. dat's not de worst.. called mel at 6plus telling her dat de assignment has been postponed.. this poor gal was already out.. her parents were so mad abt it.. i'm really serious dat he really meant it n dat de expat really postponed their conference or smthg.. better not let me hear de truth.. women r always vicious.. like i always say i may b nice to u but do not take advantage of situation.. i really would like to believe dat de assignment is postponed.. but i dun believe dat someone would juz cancel their conference, look i'm talking abt conference not meeting or anything.. unless i cant differentiate between conference n meeting.. anywae i was saying i dun believe one will juz cancel their conference last min.. anywae de truth will always b told.. i'm juz waiting.. cmon if he doesnt wan any of us to take up de assignment den juz say so.. wateva.. i nvr expect us to become like dat.. look how earth evolve n how humans really change.. it felt great to vent my frustration cuz i feel so much better everytime.. nvm it's all over..

i finally went n register for class3.. tks to eric for fetching me ard.. he's such a sweetheart.. shld brand him de super coach.. haha.. did running wif him.. tink i can push myself alittle bit more during next trg.. hopefully i dun get any pain anywhere.. it's really sucky when u try n push urself but u cant do it cuz u r like feeling pain somewhere.. but i was surprised dat my personal best for 10km was not 50mins instead a 44mins.. anywae my aim now was to get a sub50mins for my standard chartered relay..

met weiping for dinner.. this guy really love japanese food.. de last time i met him we had japanese food.. got myself a new dress n a new book.. somehow or another i kinda like chinese author but of cuz in english la.. haha.. got this book called "brothers" seems interesting.. guess it all depends on how long i'll take to finish.. if not like "mens r frm mars, women r frm venus" i haf yet to complete it n i tink i've been on it for months.. haha.. went n watched evan almighty.. it was pretty good i would say.. not only was it funny but it was pretty touching as well.. tink i felt tears coming out.. haha.. de moment when de wife returned to evan after leaving him tinking he was mad.. but i tink it's kinda true.. u pray to god wanting smthg.. god does give u dat but juz dat u cant give it to u directly.. u r supposed to learn frm it or do smthg to achieve it.. "u pray to b patience, god dun give u patience but instead he gives u a situation n teach u to b patience.." tink it's really a good movie for me cuz no matter how bad life can b.. it's meant to b this way cuz god is teaching u a valuable lesson.. learn frm it n it'll come in handy in future, n teaches u to deal wif situation..

been tinking alot de past few days abt how i wan my life to b.. wat i wan my future to b.. wat's de next step i wanna do in life.. haf been posting these questions to myself lately.. n i tink i will still b doin it till i find de right answer..

haf been drained by all these thots.. but thank god, der was timothy & david who kept me thru all these long-dreaded nite.. they r really juz a phone call away.. they r like de sweetest thing on earth to me now..

i cant really rely on liz as she's far away.. she has her own life to lead too.. mel has been so busy wif work.. i dun wanna add more to her burden as well.. hiaz..

david was so sweet.. was talking to him juz now.. he saw my msn nick n was encouraging me.. besides mongling.. he was like de next person to encourage me.. thanks guys.. really appreciate dat alot alot..

i know mel has always been der too.. she knew i needed to chat wif someone on my way home dat she actually called me n accompanied me on my way home.. thanks babe.. i'm glad to haf met these grps of frenz.. who haf been der when i needed help n support..

tink tim was de best.. always accompanying me till late nite.. it's really nice to talk to him.. cuz smtimes we haf de same goals so we haf kinda became each other's encourager, supporter.. haha..

it's really amazing how life gets twisted n turned n become like wat we r now.. it's really very amazing.. i'm feeling abit of happiness now.. n i'm trying very hard to b like wat i used to b.. it's gonna take some time so frenz pls bear wif me.. <3>

yeap once again i feel dat life is so vulnerable.. even if u tink u can do it but by de time u realise it, u r probably gone frm this world.. cuz it's juz de fact dat u cant do it.. i always believed in life is so short so simply enjoy n do wateva u wanna do.. but now der's a continuation to it.. do wateva u wanna do but to ur limit.. cuz life is simply not as amazing as u tink it can b or shld i say life is vulnerable.. u r not as strong as wat u tink u r..

was working morning shift on sun morning.. de day where army half marathon was held.. de before accident me would haf participated in it but i cant make it so i simply put myself to work.. but at 9am my colleague received a phone call saying a guy was admitted for heat stroke n needed or heat stroke room to shower de patient so as to cool him down.. within 5 mins, we receive another phone call saying der's another one.. within de next 5mins my icu reg received a phone call saying total der r 3 of them but out of which one had passed away b4 he arrived in de hospital.. one boy came in to me, he was in a really bad state of delirium.. he headed my head when we were trying to hold him down while my dr was trying to insert an arterial line for him.. it was loud n it hurts.. it still hurts a little till now.. he's really strong.. was tinking de whole time whether if i'll see any farmiliar faces which i hope i dun.. next thing i realise, i met roy poh.. so de guy who was admitted is his cadet in ocs.. de 3 guys were all in de ahm team.. they were trying to win de race.. yes, i might b impt to win de race but it's even more impt to keep urself alive.. look wat had happen to cpt ho.. a young chap like him juz gone as a result of trying to do well for his race.. de guy who was admitted even smarter.. while trying to cut short his timing, he decided to miss all de drinking point.. omg u r running a 21km not a 10km.. he didnt even hydrate himself properly b4 de race.. all he drank was a cup of h2o b4 de race.. huh? do u even call dat hydration? i haf no idea at all.. i used to tink running afetr partying is fine but not after this incident.. i would rather think sufficent rest and hydration is even more impt than anything else.. i would rather sacrifice my partying time for my slp if i'm goin for anymore races in future..

went chilling out wif tim earlier on.. since de day when i met edwin, i simply cant get him out of my mind.. this is bad.. hiaz.... i really hope i can see him soon.. was talking to another fren last nite.. omg we actually spoke to each other for 1hr plus.. we haf nvr spoke n for such a long time.. morever wif a guy.. it was amazing n it was really great to chat wif him n reminishing de old time.. hehs..

frenz dat i used to tink i can rely on in time of need r not der.. instead frenz whom i dun expect to b ard actually can sense my unhapppiness... i'm really touched by all ur behaviour.. in order to prove dat i'm still de same old me, i'll do wat i used to do but u guys really need to give me alot of time.. but this time round diana is not only badly hurt but there's too much stuff in her brain dat she need to sort them thru.. but i really appreciate dat u guys can really sense how i really feel even though i haf always been wearing my mask to meet u guys.. tks guys.. love u..

managed to wake up on time for work this morning even though i only slept at 2am last nite.. my definition of on time was to take train to work n to reach on time.. haha..

went nyp and ran wif eric.. no idea y but guess he's de only person so far dat i'll juz let go of my mask & b a real me.. i didnt realise dat i'm still in a state of depression.. i know wat he said was true.. i'm a strong gal both mentally & physically.. wateva i've been thru not everyone can do de job as good as me.. but i've really used up all my happy pills.. been juz wearing my mask around.. noones know de real me inside.. how am i feeling.. how am i doing.. somehow or another i felt everyone was juz waiting for me to entertain them.. keep them happy.. i swear i enjoy making pple happy but there r juz these few pple dat has been making me upset.. not many can really make me happy.. wat am i supposed to do? i cant blame anyone for how i feel.. it's not fair to them.. cant find someone whom i can really pour all my feelings out.. well in a way i hate to let pple know dat i'm upset or disappointed.. whenever i'm upset or disappointed or stress... all i need to do is to do my sports.. i mean i can still run now but running like how i used to to get rid of all de negative thots is equivalent to killing myself now.. de last time i did dat i had backache for a few days.. it was so bad dat it even affected my mobilisation.. i dun wish for dat to happen.. when eric was like talking to me, i knew he was trying to help me to gain back my positive attitude.. but seriously i juz cant find de strength to do so anymore.. de more he talked abt it, de tears were all at de brim.. i nearly juz broke down but i decided to hang on.. till de day i can find out wat's making me feeling so negative otherwise i can nvr get out of this state.. so everyone juz haf to enjoy me wearing my mask.. who's not enjoying that.. at least they r happy n i can make them happy..

been tinking abt edwin de last few days.. i really cant stop tinking abt him.. but wat's wrong wif me? i know it's impossible between de two of us yet i'm like still hoping for smthg to happen.. could this b one of de reason y i keep having negative thots? i seriously haf no idea.. y noone is telling me to forget abt him.. when i tell them i wanna msg him, they actually advised to go ahead.. aint u sending me to my own grave? but on second thot, even if they were to tell me to forget him, i probably cant do it till i hear wif my own ears or see wif my own eyes dat he's happily attached.. i believe if he's happily attached, he probably wun b out having fun n i remember him saying he's not ready for marriage.. oh god, y am i tinking of all these? stop tinking, IDIOT!!

der's alot of plans in my head now, i really dun know which one to go for it.. i seriously cant decide.. but i tink i shld get away frm here.. singapore has left me far too much hurt than happiness.. but wateva it is, i'm giving myself till next yr.. shall decide again..

was awoken by my aunt.. expected her to call me sooner or later.. i'm pretty sure pple r gonna ask me abt my insurance money.. i know i've got a little spare cash now.. it's up to me how i wanna spend it.. i juz felt like pampering my sis so i got her a LV wallet for her bday.. my aunt was like telling me not to tell my sis.. but y? saying she's afraid she might ask more stuff frm me.. which she seldom.. is it wrong of me to pamper her? morever she's my sister, it's juz right dat i pamper her.. den she told me not to tell my parents.. but they r my own family members, y cant i share wif them? wateva la.. i really tink dat pple do things to their own benefits.. i might haf a little more or shld i say spare cash now but pls dun tink dat i've become a millionaire or smthg.. which i'm not.. if i knew getting this sum of money will give me so much headache, i would rather dat i didnt get it.. now she's asking me to return some to de aunt dat i'm staying wif for de money she help me to come up wif my granny's n grandpa's funeral.. i tried returning it to her straight after de funeral but she didnt wan.. in de first plc u tink i like to owe this kind of money? of cuz not.. de cousin dat help me to get de claim wants me to buy her a dress.. wateva la.. everyone's like trying to benefit frm my insurance which i havent even benefit myself frm it.. seriously i would rather not haf de money.. it juz makes my life miserable.. mayb i shld juz misplace de money.. fantastic.. den noone can blame me for not spending money on them or wat.. of cuz i know who treats me well n stuff.. of cuz i'll treat these pple in some way or another but pls dun interefere wif how i wanna spend them.. i seriously believe human being r a selfish lot.. am i like them as well? i'm really gettin very tired of this.. sometimes i really feel like getting out of here.. i'm already 25 n i need my own privacy some time.. i dun mind my aunt trying to interfere wif my life sometimes.. but at other time i juz wanna b on my own leading my own life.. i really dun know wat to say.. but i tink i wanna leave here soon.. go to a plc where noone knows me, n lead my own life.. i might make a lot of frenz, i might not.. but it doesnt matter to me anymore.. though i always believe frenz play a very impt role in my life.. i appreciate wat each n everyone tries to do, but i tink i'm feeling tired trying to pls everyone, trying to make everyone happy.. who's gonna really make me happy.. i guess i've surpressed my own real feelings for too long dat now i'm numb.. i dun feel anything, anymore.. thought my prob wif mel was de main issue for my depression but now i tink it's not.. i'm having a major issue wif my life now cuz i no longer feel satisfaction in life anymore.. i really hate it.. now to tink back, i wished god had taken my life away.. living in de real world is really horrible.. i dun wish to live, god, can i exchange my life wif ian? i tink he has more to accomplish in life than i do.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna accomplish now.. der's nothing in de real world dat's pulling me back frm death.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna hold on to.. der's juz nothing dat i can tink of dat's really worthy of me living for..

been running to n fro to wd58 tdy.. no idea y but guess i juz miss dat plc.. went der early in de morning den went for my BCLS re-cert wif kak masnia.. met soohui, ended up wif her for de whole session n we even went for lunch together n measured our uniform b4 heading back to ward.. was given de wrong schedule so didnt bring my scrub suit.. end up wearing monling's uniform to work.. tink i'm gonna miss wearing scrub suit once de new uniform is out.. it's pretty translucent though.. guess probably patients will get more tachynoeic esp seeing those nurses in tight uniforms.. haha..

went sch for tut n lect.. i was so sleepy.. cldnt focus at all even after drinking two cups of coffee.. slept for almost 6hrs last nite but mayb didnt sleep well cuz i was juz too sleepy to even stay awake thru lect.. i better start studying for my exam soon otherwise i'm sure i'll fail this module again.. dun wanna waste my money anymore..

went back sgh again after sch to look for tim.. went supper wif him n david.. they r damn funny lor.. really very entertaining to go out wif them.. u'll nvr feel upset or anything cuz they r forever talking nonsense.. haha.. guess we were juz laughing de whole time n was de loudest at prata house at thomson.. i was so hungry cuz dat was dinner cum supper for me.. hopefully i can b successful wif my weight lost, tink i did cuz i lost abt 2.5kg within two weeks.. probably getting sick plays a part in it but i hate being sick.. cuz u'll juz feel so lethargic to do anything..

spoke to mel since i got home for almost one n half hour.. i knew y i haf been feeling depressed but i refused to accept de fact dat it was bcuz of her till she read my blog n wrote me a message.. only den i realised i couldnt keep it frm her anymore n i juz let out everything.. kinda disappointed wif myself for doubting her.. to tink she has always spoken up for me which resulted in most of her arguements.. i'm so sorry babe.. anywae it was good dat now de air has cleared up.. i can feel dat happiness is slowly seaping back into my blood.. dat's wat i've always been anywae or i shld say my personality: happy-go-lucky.. shall let fate decide whether we shld go away anot.. but i'm pretty sure we'll b able to get a tix though it's only this wkend.. hehs..

oh yah, met david juz now n he passed me smthg.. thot he gave me a gift den i realised de gift does look familiar.. it's a gift i gave someone for his bday but he didnt want to accept it n return me.. i've nvr met such a person before.. i dun know but mayb cuz i was scolded for this b4 by my frenz.. this guy dat i didnt like b4 gave me a bday gift n i returned it back to him n my frenz all scolded me n i took de gift back.. gift once given shld not b returned.. u can do wateva u wan wid it.. i dun know how to express this feeling but i finally n really understood smthg.. he's really someone who's not worthy of my love or even friendship.. wat a guy he has turn out to b.. someone who's so different when i first knew him.. well, like wat pple has always say: love is blind.. i really believe this is true so blind till i end up believing him time n again.. hurt not once but thrice.. once bitten twice shy is not enuff for me.. anywae wateva he wanna do.. even his good fren oso dun bother him anymore y shld i even care.. i'm happy wif how i lead my life now.. sooner or later he'll b out of my mind before i even realise n juz like b4.. shall not give up a tree for de whole forest.. haha.. i'm not dat old so i still got my options n i shall keep it open till de day i find my prince charming..

one of my fantasy: my prince charming playing piano for me under de sunset till de sky turns dark n firework fill de sky n brighten up de sky.. how romantic.. haha..

here goes de weekend.. day by day, week by week, month by month.. sometimes i'm really afraid how fast time flies.. without u realising it, one day is over, next before u knew it, a week has past.. i'm afraid for i felt i haf yet to accomplish anything.. tell me abt it: wat haf i even accomplish anywae.. wat has happen to all my dreams? has it come to a standstill? i havent really been goin out recently but i realise i didnt do much as well.. so where haf i spend all my time to? weird.. guess i spend most of it sleeping.. i juz feel so lethargic without sports.. i really muz get back to my active life soon otherwise it'll die a naturally death which is bad.. really really bad.. i still wanna do my 10k relay for this standard chartered.. n i wanna start dragonboating & adventure racing by next year.. but meanwhile i muz really nurse my body back to well or even better than before.. hehs..

anywae it's siyu's bday tdy.. wtd to go n give her a surprise by bringing a cake to her at work cuz she's working nite shift.. but i'm quite tired n lazy n i've got BCLS tmr.. while i was studying, i was tinking whether if i can do it tmr.. firstly bcuz of my injuring.. not sure if my left hand can really bend properly n pumped properly.. plus i'm still coughing so i've a very bad feeling dat i cant blow into de mannequine.. boring..

can u believe it? i'm doin nite again.. i dun mind la but it's really very frequent.. but i'm kinda stuck.. though i haf de weekend off.. i'm torn between goin away wif melissa n goin for wd58 BBQ.. i really wanna go away cuz i really miss diving but i had promised my frenz frm wd58 dat i'll attend de BBQ without fail.. cuz without me, there'll b not as much fun.. hehs.. nah, but i really miss my colleagues frm wd58.. though i've made some nice frenz in MICU but i knew my frenz in wd58 so much longer plus i'm like so close wif so many of them.. on the other hand, i tink i shared alot of stuffs wif alot of pple, sometimes i really wonder, is it a good thing or a bad one.. will they turn their back against me one day n spill out wateva i haf told them? anywae if they really do so, i'm oso not afraid cuz i haf not done anything bad to anyone too.. haha..

my good-for-nothing brother got into an accident.. thank god he's not injured but i've to pay for damages to de car.. stupid guy.. shant pay for his damages but if i dun den my parents haf to.. sucky.. based on all my expenses, tink i'll used up my insurance money in no time.. F***Ked UP!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIYU!!

tink i found de key to my happiness.. tink i know why i've been feeling down so often.. cuz i tink too much.. sometimes tinking too much really kills me.. i shld juz do wat i feel like doin.. go out wif who i feel like goin out wif.. simply to say do wateva please me.. dat's my key to happiness..

tink mel is right.. sometimes i really spent alot on my frenz.. but i really cant help it.. i enjoy spending on my frenz instead of indulging in things i like.. dat's kinda weird, is dat so? mayb not.. hehs..

guess today was one of my most carefree day.. go wif de flow, did wat i feel like doin.. but kinda got reprimanded by my senior.. for some missing drugs which i haf no idea n for a small mistake.. i know it was my fault dat i didnt report it.. but den i didnt cause any harm to my patients.. she sounded as if i didnt know wat was right or wat was wrong.. but den i dun blame her too cuz if de doctors were to question, they definitely will question her first.. guess i gotta b a little more hardworking.. need to brush up more on my skills otherwise i will not b outstanding anymore.. hehs..

one of my colleagues gave a talk today, could tell frm her voice dat she was quite nervous but i tink she did a great job.. if i were her, i'll probably haf my knees shivering behind de stand.. haha.. went sch wif my other two colleagues.. while waiting for class to start, i shared wif them my experience during my hospitalisation.. to come to tink of it, i tink i was really dreaming moments before i hit de car.. wat de hell was i tinking of man.. i muz b nuts..

met my fren n joined my ex-colleagues, watched secrets by jay chou.. de movie was alrite but i love de piano pieces.. there were really good n i tink he's really music talented.. if i were to meet a guy who'll play piano pieces for me, omg i tink i'll juz fall in love wif de person.. but on second thots, i find it really hard to fall in love again.. when will my prince charming appear? next week is fireworks week, i really wanna spend dat special moment wif someone special, but not too hopeful abt it cuz it'll b great if i watch it wif my frenz too..

met cheryl.. oh man, i really miss secondary sch days.. no as tiring as now.. hiaz.. how wonderful to b young n playful once again.. no worries.. looking forward to goin sch everyday.. but those moments were really worth cherishing for de rest of my life..

wonder wat has gotten into me recently.. guess besides SART & my colleagues.. i dun even feel like meeting any of my other frenz.. well, so wat r frenz? how do u tell whether if they r good or bad.. real or fake? is it by word of mouth or by wat they haf done? been living in hell for de past week.. esp. after wat i haf found out.. i really cant help it but i vented my frustration while i was running n i ended up wif a backache which lasted for almost a week.. haf i not done enuff? did i ask for any returns? no i dun.. but y pple juz dun understand me dat certain things i do or i give i never expected a return.. all i want was juz appreciation n not doubting my words.. if one can treat friendship so lightly, i dun c y i shld do so much for a fren.. kinda felt stupid.. hiaz.. no comments.. frenz dat were really around when i was sick, i haf got eyes to see.. i guess those dat really deserve my appreciations, i haf yet to shown enuff.. which i guess i shall make use of now to do it before i haf got not enuff time to do so.. like wat pple always say: life is short.. u never know wat will happen.. i dun wanna leave in regrets..

am i really very mean to tink dat way.. but i really cant help it.. anywae now looking back.. haf i been talking too much dat i accidentally gossip abt smone behind their backs? mayb i shld juz shut up.. juz learn smthg new.. since i cant stop talking.. mayb i shld juz cont chewing so dat i wun talk since my mouth is full.. wateva it is, i'ma lousy fren.. tink i shld be left alone.. thrown into a world where noone cares or bother abt each other..

haf been sick since sat n haf yet to recover.. i realise i fall sick easily nowsaday.. n i'm taking so long to recover.. wat de fuck is wrong wif my body.. nothing seems to b goin right.. life sux..

i really cant help but i muz vent this frustration.. i juz find it riduculous for a fren to b involved in a fren's relationship.. haf i not heard wat u haf done to my gf otherwise wat makes u tink dat i dislike u? on the hind side.. haf u been telling ur bf smthg, otherwise why will ur bf tink of me in this way? wateva u haf been telling him, haf u been fair to me.. haf u been telling de truth? i nvr believe in getting involved in a fren's relationship.. haf u really stopped u frm being wif him? somehow or another i felt dat after one round n another, ur issue wif each other was me.. wat de heck.. it's ok if u dun appreciate, but dun blame me for smthg dat's not working.. dun do stuff dat n get find out.. remember one can nvr escape wif a lie.. utimately u'll juz live in regret for hurting a fren..

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