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♥ Wednesday, August 15, 2007
15:51

was awoken by my aunt.. expected her to call me sooner or later.. i'm pretty sure pple r gonna ask me abt my insurance money.. i know i've got a little spare cash now.. it's up to me how i wanna spend it.. i juz felt like pampering my sis so i got her a LV wallet for her bday.. my aunt was like telling me not to tell my sis.. but y? saying she's afraid she might ask more stuff frm me.. which she seldom.. is it wrong of me to pamper her? morever she's my sister, it's juz right dat i pamper her.. den she told me not to tell my parents.. but they r my own family members, y cant i share wif them? wateva la.. i really tink dat pple do things to their own benefits.. i might haf a little more or shld i say spare cash now but pls dun tink dat i've become a millionaire or smthg.. which i'm not.. if i knew getting this sum of money will give me so much headache, i would rather dat i didnt get it.. now she's asking me to return some to de aunt dat i'm staying wif for de money she help me to come up wif my granny's n grandpa's funeral.. i tried returning it to her straight after de funeral but she didnt wan.. in de first plc u tink i like to owe this kind of money? of cuz not.. de cousin dat help me to get de claim wants me to buy her a dress.. wateva la.. everyone's like trying to benefit frm my insurance which i havent even benefit myself frm it.. seriously i would rather not haf de money.. it juz makes my life miserable.. mayb i shld juz misplace de money.. fantastic.. den noone can blame me for not spending money on them or wat.. of cuz i know who treats me well n stuff.. of cuz i'll treat these pple in some way or another but pls dun interefere wif how i wanna spend them.. i seriously believe human being r a selfish lot.. am i like them as well? i'm really gettin very tired of this.. sometimes i really feel like getting out of here.. i'm already 25 n i need my own privacy some time.. i dun mind my aunt trying to interfere wif my life sometimes.. but at other time i juz wanna b on my own leading my own life.. i really dun know wat to say.. but i tink i wanna leave here soon.. go to a plc where noone knows me, n lead my own life.. i might make a lot of frenz, i might not.. but it doesnt matter to me anymore.. though i always believe frenz play a very impt role in my life.. i appreciate wat each n everyone tries to do, but i tink i'm feeling tired trying to pls everyone, trying to make everyone happy.. who's gonna really make me happy.. i guess i've surpressed my own real feelings for too long dat now i'm numb.. i dun feel anything, anymore.. thought my prob wif mel was de main issue for my depression but now i tink it's not.. i'm having a major issue wif my life now cuz i no longer feel satisfaction in life anymore.. i really hate it.. now to tink back, i wished god had taken my life away.. living in de real world is really horrible.. i dun wish to live, god, can i exchange my life wif ian? i tink he has more to accomplish in life than i do.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna accomplish now.. der's nothing in de real world dat's pulling me back frm death.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna hold on to.. der's juz nothing dat i can tink of dat's really worthy of me living for..