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♥ Tuesday, August 21, 2007
21:58

managed to wake up on time for work this morning even though i only slept at 2am last nite.. my definition of on time was to take train to work n to reach on time.. haha..

went nyp and ran wif eric.. no idea y but guess he's de only person so far dat i'll juz let go of my mask & b a real me.. i didnt realise dat i'm still in a state of depression.. i know wat he said was true.. i'm a strong gal both mentally & physically.. wateva i've been thru not everyone can do de job as good as me.. but i've really used up all my happy pills.. been juz wearing my mask around.. noones know de real me inside.. how am i feeling.. how am i doing.. somehow or another i felt everyone was juz waiting for me to entertain them.. keep them happy.. i swear i enjoy making pple happy but there r juz these few pple dat has been making me upset.. not many can really make me happy.. wat am i supposed to do? i cant blame anyone for how i feel.. it's not fair to them.. cant find someone whom i can really pour all my feelings out.. well in a way i hate to let pple know dat i'm upset or disappointed.. whenever i'm upset or disappointed or stress... all i need to do is to do my sports.. i mean i can still run now but running like how i used to to get rid of all de negative thots is equivalent to killing myself now.. de last time i did dat i had backache for a few days.. it was so bad dat it even affected my mobilisation.. i dun wish for dat to happen.. when eric was like talking to me, i knew he was trying to help me to gain back my positive attitude.. but seriously i juz cant find de strength to do so anymore.. de more he talked abt it, de tears were all at de brim.. i nearly juz broke down but i decided to hang on.. till de day i can find out wat's making me feeling so negative otherwise i can nvr get out of this state.. so everyone juz haf to enjoy me wearing my mask.. who's not enjoying that.. at least they r happy n i can make them happy..

been tinking abt edwin de last few days.. i really cant stop tinking abt him.. but wat's wrong wif me? i know it's impossible between de two of us yet i'm like still hoping for smthg to happen.. could this b one of de reason y i keep having negative thots? i seriously haf no idea.. y noone is telling me to forget abt him.. when i tell them i wanna msg him, they actually advised to go ahead.. aint u sending me to my own grave? but on second thot, even if they were to tell me to forget him, i probably cant do it till i hear wif my own ears or see wif my own eyes dat he's happily attached.. i believe if he's happily attached, he probably wun b out having fun n i remember him saying he's not ready for marriage.. oh god, y am i tinking of all these? stop tinking, IDIOT!!

der's alot of plans in my head now, i really dun know which one to go for it.. i seriously cant decide.. but i tink i shld get away frm here.. singapore has left me far too much hurt than happiness.. but wateva it is, i'm giving myself till next yr.. shall decide again..