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♥ Sunday, May 20, 2007
00:26

had a comment frm someone - many guys actually tinks dat u r wild..

definition of WILD: characterized by or indicating violent feelings or excitement, as actions or a person's appearance..

been asking myself, in wat way do i look wild?! do i behave wildly? so how or in wat way i behave wildly? cuz i party often? i party cuz i wanna dance.. i like to dance hence i like to party.. well mayb it's not a good form of dancing.. mayb i shld join some dance grp.. good idea?! of cuz not.. i dun haf dat much ample time to do this.. mayb it's not abt the time.. it's the commitment.. i wun commit in smthg i cant fulfill.. mayb i shld stopped dancing.. mayb i shld hate dancing.. juz when i was done depressing over smthg.. smthg is up to make me depressed again.. i simply dun understand.. one wave after another.. though some r mild ones but tink i've haf enuff of humongous ones.. really getting very tired.. more n more tired.. was juz talking to one of my buddy.. tink both of us r juz both mentally n physically drained.. no access for ventilation.. mayb not ventilation.. tink we juz need to get away.. juz the two of us.. or mayb alone.. juz sit n ponder n relax.. n tink wat's the next step in life.. wat's my next aim.. wat am i supposed to b focusing on.. we used to b so focused.. working towards our goals, our aims.. of cuz der's similarity among our goals but not all r the same.. we hang out so often.. we talk so much.. really a great deal.. till we haf this chemistry.. smtimes u juz dun haf to say anything.. she simply can read my mind.. miss those days riding together.. goin n getting off work together.. go trg after morning shift.. having supper after nite shift.. does lotsa things together.. very focused.. frankly i miss the period when i didnt even haf the urge of goin clubbing at all cuz all time were juz focused on my goals.. my aims.. my races.. wat else?!?! but those days i train a great deal.. so much dat i dun date guys.. most of the time were juz the two of us.. those were oso the moments when we can get over our depression really fast but now depressing stuffs juz keep floating in our mind.. y is dat so? i really dun understand.. but those were oso the days where guys find me too strong-headed.. too independent.. so wat's right n wat's wrong? guys r juz so selfish.. mayb women as well.. tinks everyone is selfish in certain ways.. of cuz everyone wants things to their benefits.. then who shld b at the losing end? no one wants to.. so do i?!

sometimes i feel tired.. sometimes i feel depressed.. sometimes i feel boring.. sometimes i feel helpless.. sometimes i feel lonely.. sometimes i feel useless.. sometimes i feel like a bitch.. other time i feel happy.. was i? or i'm juz being happy cuz i want my frenz to b happy.. recently there's more negative thots than positive.. i nvr felt like this b4..

i gotta confessed.. i did smthg really bad recently.. really really bad.. but dun blame me.. cuz i juz want to know the truth.. u betrayed the trust i had for u.. i really wanna trust u.. but wateva u said, well not all though was unbelieveable.. it's high time i do my detective work.. true enuff, u lied to me.. to tink i trusted u.. to tink i felt for u.. like i said b4.. i can b very nice but nvr take advantage of me.. thank god wateva u did was juz a small issue.. i wun take it to heart.. so friendship remains untouched..

i went running a few days back.. i actually managed to clock 13mins for 2.4km.. it's not fast but i tink wif constant training, i shld b able to improve.. but is it really ok to proceed even though i haf backache?! beats me.. tink i beta ask my ortho surgeon during my next appt.. i actually haf more backache now than last time.. not sure wat is it related to.. my goal for right now is to b able to at least do one running event by the end of the year.. once i managed to hit my target, i'll start training for adv racing.. though i know it's pretty difficult cuz if i were to start studying next yr, tink i'll b like melissa.. so stressed up.. she simply had no time for herself.. but i really wanna score well for my adv dip yet at the same time i really wanna row n run for my sch.. the most important thing is to row n to b able to feel the team spirit again.. from wat i gather, i may not feel wat i felt wif my team mates b4.. i really miss those days.. we rowed so hard together.. for wat?! juz to prove to everyone we can b champion which we did n it was unbelievable.. i really felt great back then.. n i wanna haf those feelings again..

yes, i'm finally goin to ICU though it's not SICU well at least they r doin smthg rather than getting stuck in ID.. it's not dat i hate ID or anything but it's juz dat i wanna achieve more.. i dun wan to juz stay ard n juz b a Staff Nurse.. but i'm so gonna miss my colleagues.. shall do smthg for each of them b4 i leave.. well i haf two weeks time.. shld b able to do it if i club lesser.. haha.. n i gotta start planning for my trip.. change of plan since liz is only finishing her exam on the 28th when i'm gonna b der on the 26th.. gotta work it out wif both liz n andrian soon..

i felt so bad dat i cant make it for my sis's commencement.. i really wan to b der but i'm only coming back on the 6th when hers is on the 4th.. but seriously if she really wants to go, i dun mind getting the tix for me to come back earlier though i haf to spend a few hundreds more.. i juz wan her to b happy.. tink she has been thru so much more than i do.. though we cant communicate nicely at times but deep down in my heart i really love n care alot for her.. god, pls tell me wat can i do to make her b little happier.. less miserable.. wateva it takes, i juz wan her to b happy even if it meant me to b dead.. if it makes her a happier person i dun mind.. i really dun mind.. i juz want her to haf a happy life.. a better life.. free from pain & agony..