princ3ss_di

25th August 2008

2008-08-25T23:35:00.002+08:00

had a really busy day @ work.. 2 mc means 2 staffs down, means take one more case.. thankfully i had an empty room and i managed to tai-chi de patient to come in during pm shift.. at least i didnt take nap when i came home.. in fact i did smthg even more stupid.. lester wanted to run, so i thot i cld do an easy run after yesterday's ahm.. who knows 15mins into de jog, i felt pain coming thru my right knee but i didnt really stop and continued running, but another min passed and i cldnt take de pain any more.. i stopped and walk for abt 3-5mins and i continued jogging again, cont for another 5mins of even much slower jog.. ultimately i gave up as de pain was too unbearable.. i ended limping home cuz i cldnt even walk probably, every step i took, i cld feel de pain from de front of knee radiating till de back of de knee.. i'm really not sure wat's wrong, iced them for de whole nite, hopefully it'll b better tmr, otherwise i dun know how to do my nike human race this sun.. in fact after tinking thru de whole of last nite n whole of tdy while working, i realised, i cant give up running.. in fact i'm goin channel all de negative thots i had yesterday to b positive.. giving me motivation to train harder and prove to everyone including myself dat i'm not juz there, i'll b way in front.. but meanwhile b4 i can do dat, i better get my knee fixed..

24th August 2008

2008-08-24T22:26:00.002+08:00

Did my army half marathon tdy.. it was more of a motivational race for me as i've been feeling quite lazy plus not motivated to run.. i really dun know wat used to kept me motivated to run.. actually i felt quite gd for de race tdy.. first 10km was very comfortable.. had a toilet break in between as i really cant take it.. probably wasted a 2mins in there but at least i felt better to run but kinda lost de momentum cuz was struggling after de toilet break.. pushed myself for de last 3km.. did a 1hr 55mins 8 secs (hand-timed) for my army half marathon..

spoke to eric after dat.. well he kinda mentioned dat be it whether i trained or not, i'm always doin around this timing: 1hr 50mins to 2hrs.. pretty demoralising to hear dat.. feel like i'm coming to de end of my running.. since i cant improve anymore, i dun see any point in trying or working hard for smthg dat i wont make any difference.. wat's de point of continuing since i cant seem to motivate myself as well.. sometimes i juz feel so tired.. i cant find de perfect reason to push myself.. sometimes i juz dun know wat i really wanna do in life.. some days i feel like i know every path i shld take for my future plan.. some days i juz feel so lost, dun know wat i really want in life.. some days i'm happy from de bottom of the heart but most days i asked myself if i'm really happy or i'm juz trying to be happy or i'm juz entertaining pple, making them happy.. some days i asked myself if i'm truly happy but if i feel happy, wat's really making me happy, most of the time i cant find de answer to my question.. recently i feel tired easily.. not just physically but mentally.. not juz work but home.. some days i feel like isolating myself.. some days i feel like disappearing from this world.. most of the days i juz dun feel like i'm making any difference or contributing in any ways.. some days i asked myself if i can make a comeback in my sporting arena.. some days i tell myself i shld juz give up.. i really dun know wat i want.. is it really so difficult to find out wat i really want.. recently i miss my mum alot.. cuz i know if she's ard me, i dun have to wash my muddy shoes these 2 days.. i can b a princess.. picked up by dad after race, go home, shower, haf dinner and sleep, not having to worry abt my dirty clothes and stuffs.. tink i really take my parents for granted.. anywae i had survived a race tdy, one more race next wk (nike human race) and after which i shld really consider if i really wanna continue training or i shld juz forget abt coming back to my sporting arena.. WATEVER.. Life is really fucked up..

15th August 2008

2008-08-16T00:30:00.005+08:00

after laying off for abt a week, i went for my race.. Civil Service Club Bedok Reservoir Run.. Was in de women's open category representing SingHealth.. Covered a distance of 5.8km with a timing of 27:02 min (official timing though i took a 28:37min).. anywae was not expecting much out of this race cuz i havent really been training.. was aiming for a timing not more than 30min (5min/km) and hopefully to bag a top ten position.. i didnt had a good start off.. was a bit far behind cuz i was stuck with de crowd for de initial part.. only manage to break away when i was out of tp after crossing de bridge, at dat point zhaoyuan (who was my target as she actually surpass me de last time when we ran at bedok reservoir but she did a wrong route so i still manage to chase her back for de last stretch) was already ahead of me.. i told myself i must stay close behind her, till a point when i tink i was really very close behind her n my pace was abit slower, i decided to overtake her.. but i was fighting hard to pull away frm her cuz i really dun wanna lose to her again.. i didnt dare to slow down de moment i overtook her.. but i need my next target who was right ahead of me.. but she was maintaining her pace n i couldnt catch up with her and in fact at de end she managed to pull quite a distance away frm me.. guess insufficient trg resulted in poor ending.. my last part of de race was a struggle, i couldnt increase my pace, was in fact abit slower.. everytime a heard footstep right behind me, i juz got really worried, but luckily it was all de guys dat overtook me n not de ladies.. rachel n sumiko were too far ahead of me.. their timing was 2mins faster than me.. came back as 5th for individual and we were actually 1st for de team event.. de best thing was i only found out abt my team juz right b4 de race, dun even know who i'm racing for n who's in my team.. wat a joke..

my team mates

my funny fren - zhiyong

zhaoyuan & me

6th August 2008

2008-08-06T15:25:00.002+08:00

Time: 0700 hrs

Trg: Session 1

10 mins easy

20 mins (10km pace)

10 mins easy

Overall: Comfortable, felt much better than yesterday

woke up at 0630, tried calling aaron cuz we were supposed to run together, but cldnt get him.. so i was in n out of slp till 0645.. but i still cldnt get him.. thot he was still slping soundly but wateva it was, i decided to wake up and do de run myself.. we were supposed to meet at tpjc, i ran ard de area but cldnt see him.. i ended running ard tpjc n its estate while searching for de pasir ris park connector, kinda lost my way but i managed to find it in de end.. ran along pasir ris PCN to sunplaza park and back home..

shall go get ready for de nite.. having dinner with my colleagues at seafood harvest at bugis den meeting my sis to celebrate her bday though i had dinner wif her yesterday.. ciaoz..

5th August 2008

2008-08-05T22:20:00.002+08:00

Trg: 10mins warm-up

5mins hard

3mins easy

Total x 4sets

1st set pace was quite gd but i cld feel my legs getting heavier mayb (time for confession) dat's bcuz i havent been trg for de last 6days.. 2nd & 3rd sets were almost de same pace.. felt dat de pace was abt 20% slower than de 1st set.. upon finishing my 3rd set, i kinda gave up.. in fact i walked for abt 15-20s but i forced myself to continue.. finally i manage to complete 4sets.. i felt dat my pelvis was moving alot recently when i walk n esp when i run.. not quite sure y.. it didnt really hust but juz felt de shift some where.. but anywae will monitor n see how it goes.. hopefully i can wake up for my morning run tmr..

meanwhile i shall head for stephanie's father's wake.. aunt promised to let me drive to de venue but in de end she changed her mind.. was quite upset abt it.. felt dat if u dun trust me to drive den dun promise me in de 1st plc.. sometimes i really juz feel like buying a car.. though i know it'll b a financially straining for me but i really need my own transport to get ard to plces.. mayb i shld consider buying back a bike again.. cheap transport.. seriously i'll b bankrupt one day juz by taking cab.. anywae wateva..

post-race commentary

2008-06-04T02:32:00.002+08:00

was reading jonathan's comment frm his multiply website dat i felt like blogging.. it's been mths since i last blog.. this is really long.. i'm not dat sad hence i do not need to blog dat much but i'm not dat either happy but not dat bad dat i need to blog.. but wateva hence i'm here i shld juz blog abt wateva comes to my inner thots.. let me blog abt my race first.. well done! i did my first adventure race after my accident, dat's like 1 & 1/2 yrs later.. i actually aim to complete de race, i manage to but i thot i cld do better and get a position but guess i've havent been trg hard for de race.. anywae it was eco-xcapade on 18th may 2008 @ hulu langat in selangor.. it's really ulu like wat de name suggested.. reach hulu langat on 17th (sat), had our race briefing + skill testing & equipment checks.. got a bed in de main dormitry as there's no more individual rooms.. had to share them wif alot of pple among them were de usa navy guys.. they were pretty noisy and i didnt sleep well.. another guy to blame for stealing my beauty slp was de guy slping on de top of my bed, he was so irritating.. tossing here & there.. everytime he moves, de metal bed creak.. tell me how to race well prior to race?!?! anywae after dinner on sat and after all de prep & settling down, ben, jon & me had supper.. at a mini-snack shop, cup-noodles looked gd, one each with a cup of hot milo.. dat's wat i call supper but really early.. went to bed early but fell aslp late and woke up really early like 5am in de morning.. stupid idiots.. but wateva, i was excited abt de race anywae, how to slp wif de adrenaline pumping? hehs.. pre-race prep + breakfast + frenz' greeting.. wat a great way to start my 1st race post RTA.. it all started off pretty well.. but de pace was too fast so by de time i got out of checkpoint 2 (shaving cream & cheezels) i was dead.. slopes were killer cuz no matter how i push myself, i never seem to b running at all, my legs juz doesnt listen.. (checkpoint 1 was jungles - i would say pretty tough trails ~ for me though.. hehs) it was much better after dat.. i started to pick up after all de waterfall & abseiling.. abseiling down was scary cuz i havent been doin it.. worst still right beside a waterfall.. and how much i hate swimming in de water.. it was damn scary.. wat make matter worst i was stuck wif de rope.. de rope got caught into my figure of 8.. stuck + strong current + hungryness + tiredness = extra strength (juz to get me thru de waterfall to steppable ground.. haha) at de point tink we were top 5 but subsequently i lost count.. lost my very first "soul" after de waterfall + streams.. tks to sam's tiny string, i manage to patch my "soul" back & get my soul running again.. trust me, at this point, i was really fighting for a top 3 positions.. wishful thinking cuz i didnt know de teams ahead of us were really very AHEAD of us.. guess it's de process of de race dat counts.. next come de most challenging part - roller-blading.. this not-so-can-skate-well-babe-who-wanna-prove-dat-she-can-skate-skates.. yes, tragic came.. following closely behind ben.. approaching my 1st slope.. c'mon diana, give it a try.. ok.. KAKBOOM!! (police siren right behind) i cldnt stop de moment i came to de slope, i juz went faster n faster ( scarier & scarier).. my legs opened up.. "diana close ur legs" "i cant" "you are goin to fall, quick grass patch" (dat was wat i saw ben was trying to do) "got cars parked on my right, a hut on my left, where u wan me to go" "stupid gal, juz go forward & fall" ~ diana's right brain talking to her left brain.. bimbotic conversation.. haha.. yes, i fell: on my butt, tilt sideway, glide down de slope on my left shoulder blade before i come to stop.. end result= multiple holes on my new-pink-super-cute-jersey --> sad.. not forgetting abt scratches on my new-purpleish-studded-rocer-blade.. (guess wat did our dear mr ben said after de race, faster go take ur blades and see if de diamonds are still intact - tks for de reminder, uncle ben..) anywae after de CRASH, ben shouted: remove ur blades & run.. i totally agree with dat sentence cuz jon who ran with his blades was no where to be seen.. u know y? cuz he had surpass us.. haha.. dat CRASH was scary enuff to put me off my blades.. thank god i did dat cuz i cant imagine wat wld happen if i dun for dat's far too many other slopes ahead.. in de end, de super steep slope at de end became a non-blading zone.. it's pretty waste of time to take off & put back ur blades.. i started running wif my blades, it was quite a distance but i ran really slow cuz after like more than 15mins, ben & jon were no where in sight.. i seriously haf no idea where did these two guys went.. i started running 2nd half of de route first cuz i know they cld catch up wif me.. i kept turning my head but was greeted wif disappointment cuz more n more teams r passing me.. when i was finally reaching de checkpoint, jon came "ben left his camelbak at de last checkpoint" haha.. ben was too excited abt blading dat he forgot his camelbak.. haha.. anywae i did smthg bad.. i carried jon's blades so dat he can run more carefree.. but when i turn up at de checkpoint, de officials were like, "omg, u r damn strong, to carry 2 pairs of blades to run" *on cloud nine already* haha.. i rested really long der cuz i practically was able to run de last phrase of de race.. haha.. hydration salts+power gel+water+rest+yokoyoko=ENERGY (diana's theory.. anywae i'm famous for bringing yoko yoko, trust me, it's useful & easy to apply..) up next: bamboo rafting.. this is where i lost my 2nd "soul".. i gave up on them.. cuz clinging onto my souls, i cldnt help ben & jon in any way to move de raft better & faster.. dragonboaters r always dragonboaters.. we found de best way to manuveour and we overtook 4-5 teams but not of de same category as us.. this is how u shld do it: one coxwain - uncle ben and two front rowers- jon & me.. haha.. balancing our weight in front to move away frm de rocks.. super efficient.. anywae i ran de last part of my race souless hence i was named de gal who lost her souls after de race.. anywae i muz really thank ben & jon for bringing me along for de race, no grudges frm them even though i slowed de team in many ways.. ur encouragement+jokes+fun+persistent+help= me completing de race.. seriously after eco-X, i was more enthu & motivated to do more race since i came back.. (de wk after we were back, i was running SGH family day beach relay n this coming wkend, i'll b doin singhealth relay) cheers, BEJODI.. nice name isnt it?!?! i came up wif it.. BEJODI's definition.. BEn + JOnathan + DIana.. 1st two alphabets of our name..

ReaL mE..

2008-02-27T02:53:00.002+08:00

haf u ever come across - speak de truth when u r drunk.. well i'm not exactly drunk but wateva i'm blogging tdy, it meant everything n everything dat i've kept within me for de past few months n i finally cant keep it anymore except letting it out.. feeling very emo now.. sometimes i feel like i'm a kid who never grow out of its age.. dat's wat i protray to pple & dat's wat they tink of me.. but only deep down inside me, i'm de only person who knows exactly how i feel,, met a fren of mine tdy.. sometimes i disagree wif her attitude & behaviour but still i cant juz let her out of my sight cuz somwhow or another she's de one who inspire me de most.. who gave me de courage to do wat i really wanna do & she's de one who really pushes me n tink more than wat i can give.. now, let me really share wat i really wanna give or haf..

met up wif a gf tdy.. she told me dat i actually gave her feeling dat i'm not really to commit into a relationship.. dat's so wrong, seriously.. i told her i'm really & more than ready to start a relationship, get married & start my own family.. i've always fantasize abt wat kind of kids iw ould haf n how i would i educate me.. but de problem right now is i cant seem to find one whom i will love whole-heartedly or to simply put it, i've yet to find someone whom i've decide to spend a lifetime with.. frenz been telling me to find a guy who loves me more than i love him.. all i can tell is i can never be with one whom i dun even love so wat even if he loves me.. it's really a torture.. tried it.. it's not even interesting at all.. i really wanna find a guy whom i love n loves me too.. but somehow or another it seems so impossible or put it simply i cant find one.. besides my very first bf whom i feel dat i was stupid enuff to give him up, other than dat i never actually found someone like him, which means someone whom i love n who loves me.. so wat is love all abt? after awhile i gave up looking for love.. instead i search for fulfilment in life, which is job & money satisfaction.. i never dream of finding a golden tortoise (rish guy) which sounds impossible instead i long for earning dat by myself.. after a thorough sharing session, i've decided, i'm gonna proceed wif wat i haf at de back of my mind which is a plan or i shld consider my future..

now this sounds pretty random, but de other day when i finally had a chance to go thru facebook, i chance by reuben's webpage.. as i was looking thru de photos posted by loved ones, i started tearing unconsciously.. i suddenly realised dat they r no longer around, esp jeremy.. but de other part of me was still living in de past.. tinking they r still ard.. wtd to give jeremy a buzz & see when's he's free to meet me.. but i slapped myself to reality.. "pls they r not ard anymore" no matter how hard i tink abt it, wat kind of possibilities.. all cld answered was they r not ard anymore.. de more i tink abt it, de more i teared.. human nature - regrets.. u only regret when things had happened n der's nothing dat u can do to change it, put it simply it's too late, nothing can b done.. i cant change history.. otherwise it shldnt b known as history..

so my new goals r instead of focusing on unattainable goals, instead i shld focus on goals dat i can achieve.. first of all, my career, nothing else more than dat.. wish me luck..

mAyB nOt

2008-01-02T23:33:00.000+08:00

sometimes i really wonder, is it me or not? wat the hell r wrong wif all de guys dat i fall in love with? y do they like to do disappearing act or smthg like dat? cant they juz b frank n tell me wat's goin on in their mind? isnt not saying a gal's behaviour? but wateva it is, out u guys, outta sight, outta mind.. please dun mess wif me, i'm no longer one to b trifled wif anymore.. for i've lost all trust to u guys.. or mayb i'm juz stupid enuff to trust wateva u guys said.. i'm angry yes but not upset.. or mayb i'm upset cuz y am i always de one dat's being treated like a fool? but wateva it is.. i wun let u guys mess wif my life.. i've my life to lead, i've my goals to achieve n i'm planning for a better future but a future without u losers.. well mayb u guys r not de losers.. but juz a future wif no guys planned in it.. well or mayb there r some guys in it but not those like i wanna treat as my prince charming but later good frenz whom i can confide in.. ultimately if i wanna leave, i need new frenz right though i know i'll miss all my frenz here.. but i'll promise u guys, i'll b back.. i will nvr leave sg for good unless i planned to settle somewhere else wif someone special but trust me, based on de way i go, i doubt i'll ever find a good man.. haha.. be it wif man.. i dun need them.. they probably only provide de sensual part of life but i dun see myself needing them.. if u r talking abt love.. heck!! i've got tons of them frm all my frenz n families.. anywae i'm coming up wif a new plan.. to cycle to work soon.. guess i need to work on certain stuff like getting my helmet as mine apparently was spoilt n had gone down de bin pretty some time back.. need is to get another lock.. i better lock all my wheels & frame in case someone decides to steal either or both of it since i tink de only plc i can park my bike would b somewhere far frm my eyes.. mayb i shld juz take any lousy bike n cycle there.. hehe! next i need to plan my route.. lastly of cuz is how long i will need to take to work + showering time.. i wanna smell nice n feel fresh b4 i start work.. hopefully in time to come, i'm back to my sporting arena.. i feel so lethargic without sports n i get tired easily.. i used to look fresh throughout all de shift at work be it start or de end but now : dun talk abt end of work.. some of colleagues think dat i looked tired even b4 work.. dat's terrible.. N DEFINITELY IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE ALL THESE, I MUST CUT DOWN ON CLUBBING.. believe me, trust me, i'm trying really hard.. mayb i shld juz take up some hip hop classes n hopefully i can join de grp for some performance.. i guess i found a new love.. dancing.. mayb i shld try all kind of dancing including break dancing but hopefully i dun break any bones.. but wat de heck is breaking a bone to me since i've broken many before.. hehs.. oh yah n lastly b4 i forgot, my dear brother adrian is coming back but too bad his gf cant come otherwise i can play host to her n return her de favour.. hehs.. LOVE U GUYS (n sorry i only meant my frenz but well if u consider urself my fren, well dat's fine, i love u too..)

a NeW yEaR

2008-01-01T14:51:00.000+08:00

welcome to 2008.. there's so many things in 2007 that i wanna share wif everyone.. there's all my frenz, all new or old dat i wanna thank each n everyone for making every moment of my life special.. thanks all for frenz for poisoning or flooding me wif sweet & bitter memories.. guess it's time i do some reflections..

Jan: I finally get started back on work after my accident.. it had been a near death experience but definitely smthg dat made me treasure my life alot.. treasuring life is one thing but i still believe in enjoying my life and doing things i wanna do so i wont leave de world wif regrets, i can imagine dat to b a torture.. anywae back to work, it wasnt easy to get started based on de speed i walked & de amt of workload, i thot i wont survived but tks to all my appreciating colleagues, they helped me so much, it's to de extend dat i felt useless and too relient on pple.. but utimately i survived thru dat stage..

feb-may: guess this is a nothing really interesting mths, wait a min, mayb it was juz this little bit of interesting stuff and mayb heartbreaking moments.. started school.. it was a bad time.. had some relationship problem, mayb not some juz this one but one dat really made me learn my lesson n one dat make me realise dat i've got some many frenz who cared for me.. seriously, it took me 3 times before i finally seen de light.. a really hard lesson learnt.. i cant imagine someone to actually make used of my feelings for them, i've been very true abt my feelings but y cant everyone b? well guess, dat's de imperfection in this world..

june: started work in micu, a total change.. different kind of busy.. pretty tough but still managed to survive.. met quite a number of wonderful new colleagues, they were so nice.. :)

jul: to b exact, last wk of june till first wk of july, probably one of de best in de yr.. had a wonderful holiday in aust wif liz & adrian n met a nice gal - jasmine (adrian's gf).. i really love de cold weather n i really like aust.. oh yeah, first time in my life i saw snow n it was very heartwarming cuz liz was der too.. dat's de good part.. came 22nd of jul, death of my fren ian.. it was very hard for me to accept n believe..

anywae second half of de year hasnt been fantastic.. tink i was suffering frm depression so bad till i was like clubbing every other nite, getting drunk home most of de time.. got everyone worried.. felt really bad abt it.. my other buddy mel too was depressed.. it was really difficult for both of us when we r like pillar to each other trying to comfort each other, pretending to b stronger than each other, trying to make each other feel better.. it was really pathetic.. but thank god we managed to survived thru.. sometimes i really wonder if our hearts r linked cuz when i felt better so was her.. weird but doesnt matter as long as we feel better.. but seriously second half of de year was really bad.. having 3 frenz passed away on 23rd nov, my national heros.. i missed them alot esp jeremy.. till now i dun feel dat they r not ard mayb cuz we dun see each other very often but i believe their families must b very lonely without them.. jeremy, reuben & boon san, i'm gonna miss u guys so much so much.. guess i've got alot to achieve this year including spending more time wif family & frenz.. i better do my time management properly.. anywae i'm glad to haf spend counting down for xmas n new year wif my frenz.. oh definitely not forgetting dat i'm finally falling in love again but i hope he's not gonna b de one dat will break my heart again.. if he really does, i'm really leaving here for good.. oh yah, i forgot abt me not getting into adv dip so i'm planning a new career path.. aust or uk - wait for me.. unless i decided to get myself a new commitment in sg, guess i haf a few mths or mayb a few wks to keep in view.. :)

here comes to de main point of this blog.. my new year resolution..

1) get back to shape: guess i've put on some weight recently so it's a good excuse to make myself back on track.. i wanna do more races this year n esp my adv racing.. miss those days sporting days..

2) career path: stay in sg or to leave.. stay in sg - apply for next adv dip intake.. leave for sg - where do i wanna go? uk? aust? where would b a better option?

3) financial: definitely cannot forget abt this.. this is to provide more comfort in life.. hehs.. of cuz is to make more money.. need to find more option rather than juz having one job n mayb slogging to earn dat money..

4) lastly: to find my prince who loves me more than i do.. hehs.. dat shld b happily ever after..

the agony of waiting

2007-11-25T15:06:00.000+08:00

back home on friday 23rd nov 2007, when de tragic incident happened to my frens: jeremy (da tou), reuben & boon san (hotdog) who represented singapore in a dragonboat race in cambodia at de tonle sap river, i was embracing myself on my bed while they were all fighting for survival.. i was happily enjoying myself thru de night, went to bedok reservoir, tinking abt de good old dragonboat times.. but y didnt anyone shared de first hand news wif me? by de time i heard abt de news on sat, i was too shocked.. too disturbed.. i cldnt get any more news except dat they haf been down in de water for more than 12 hrs.. oh gosh.. wat's happening to the world? i bought wateva newspapers i could get on hand.. flipping anxously thru all de pages, reading thru de articles abt de incident but nothing more i could find out except, repeatedly the 5 missing singaporeans in cambodia.. not long ago i encountered death of my fren ian ng.. now come 3 of my other frens.. i prayed for their safety.. for miracles to happen.. but all my hopes been dashed.. all they found were bodies of de 5 missing singaporeans n not all 5 singaporeans had been saved.. can i do an exchange wif god? de remaining of my life in exchange for them to live a little longer.. y do human beings only regret when smthg has happened? i've been asking myself.. y didnt i turn up for de gatherings.. y didnt i arranged for another db gathering.. i've been so selfish tinking abt myself.. y didnt i learn my lesson after ian's death? while reminishing thru de old memories.. i missed jeremy de most.. he's like one of de best team mates i had, one of de best buddy i had.. one of de best guy i can rely on.. one of de best bro i can trust.. u were so strong physically n mentally but y didnt u save urself? y did u tear all our hearts? i miss him n his idiotic smile, stupid face and super lame jokes.. reuben: de guy who plays really nice piano, who stunned us at one of our gathering at meixuan's plc.. whom i always call ruby boy.. boonsan: de one wif super hot lips.. but oso one who always kena suan by teammates.. but now all of them r gone.. too late to say goodbye.. too late to thank them for intruding my life.. too late to thank them for rowing wif me n making me in love wif dragonboat.. too late to thank them for being there in times of need.. every single thing is too late now.. i cant imagine them struggling down in de water.. de thought of them becoming unconscious in water like wat movie always showed is so scary.. struggling for every glimpse of hope to surface out of de water.. i was juz like them hoping dat they r safe n sound.. mayb resting at some nearby land.. i cried myself to sleep.. waking up every now n then, checking my hp for de latest piece of news.. watching de news for any latest update n logging online.. y all my frenz leaving me suddenly.. leaving us, their frenz.. in agony.. in sadness.. feeling remorseful.. feeling helpless.. i hope dat they can turn up right before my eyes so dat i can hug them n thank them.. had i knew everything, i would treasure every moments wif them.. it's always de had i, if i could, i wish n i hope..

mIsErAbLe..

2007-11-04T18:19:00.000+08:00

i havent been blogging for so long.. well mayb mel is right.. when we cant take this stress level, blogging became our way of venting frustration.. well but y am i here blogging again? my life has been fine since i came back frm hk.. at least i dun feel upset easily.. i dun get mood swing easily.. seldom haf negative thoughts.. it was more of like but to almost de old time me.. focused on wat i need to do.. focused on wat's my goal n how do i plan to achieve it.. anywae now my current plan is to get my class 3 licence and my practical test is end of jan.. pretty fast right? like wat i had planned - 3mths.. hopefully i can get my licence wif one passed.. next is my running - coming really soon.. frankly speaking i dun tink i can hit eric's target but rather i juz wanna complete my 10km wif a comfortable pace.. actually mayb i can hit a 50min race time.. well but gotta see how hard-working i will b to follow my training programme strictly.. beats me.. next is hopefully i can get into my advanced diploma (ccnc) next year.. awaiting for result..

went out wif this guy last nite.. so far he's de only one dat makes my heart pound after yc.. he's one dat makes me forget yc.. but yet i know i cant trust him.. i only he's been sweet talking to me.. but i juz enjoy him sweet talking to me.. telling me things i wanna hear.. making me unable to breathe when i get close to him.. oh god.. since i came home last nite, i couldnt stop tinking abt him.. his imge floats in my mind every now & then.. i would b tinking whether if he has finish work.. busy at work.. tired? n things.. but i know very well this is very unreal.. unrealistic.. but i like living in this dream now.. at least i feel happy.. i can feel love once again.. i dun feel cold.. i feel warmth in his hug.. but yet another part of me tells me to beware of him.. dun develop more feelings as i will end up hurting myself only.. but anywae guess i will juz let everything stay as it is now.. let it b a beautiful memory.. but a part of me wants this to b a even more beautiful memory as a selfish me wants him all by myself n juz me myself.. hiaz.. this is confusing.. de more i tink abt wat will happen in de future, de more my heart will ache..

vexed

2007-10-05T09:23:00.000+08:00

i'm goin away for holiday.. i do not know if i shld b feeling happy or not.. so much has been goin thru my mind b4 i left for my trip.. y?! been tinking things thru.. my life looks like a SVT heart rate.. fluctuate up & down.. den i guess if no shock is given, i'll go into asystole.. sounds very alike to how i'm feeling now..

juz one mistake, i've been pin point by everyone.. u do not haf to remind me wat i haf done.. i know my mistake.. cant u see i'm trying very hard to make changes? y noone juz understand dat? wat de hell haf i done so wrong? frankly speaking, i do not wish to go hongkong to celebrate my bday.. i woudl rather spend it in singapore wif my frens & family.. but too much things has happened.. mayb not happened but rather too much haf been goin thru my mind.. i seriously cant take it anymore.. i need a break away frm this world.. it's not dat i wanna go spend my days in hk wif xianzhong but rather he's de only one available.. n i dun wan too many pple to come ard.. i need a break away frm this horrible world.. to tink of wat i want n try n put de bits & pieces back into my life.. put the jigsaw back to its position.. dat's not enuff, to put it back to it's original position to form de big picture..

seriously if i'm given a chance, i would rather not b alive in this world.. i would rather juz b everyone's guardian angel.. at least i'll feel better..

anywae while i was at work last nite, one of de sweetest things happen to me.. my best frenz came to my ward n surprises me wif a birthday cake.. well i wasnt really surprised but iw as very touched by wat they had done.. they know dat i havent been feeling good.. they've been trying to bring up my mood n stuff.. tks guys, i really appreciate all those.. life is slightly better wif u guys ard.. at least wif u guys i can feel happy.. trying to make u guys laugh, i will laugh wif u guys as well..

but as of right now, how i really feel: i simply cant please everyone.. i simply anger everyone.. i simply cant seem to get anything right.. it's a FUCKING awful life.. a life i HATE & a life i dun want to have now.. if god were to grant my birthday wish, i wish he'll take me away frm this plc n lighten me frm my suffering.. seriously i would rather die than to live now..

touched by an angel..

2007-10-02T01:13:00.000+08:00

it has been terrible at work.. really busy & very hectic.. i feel so drained everyday after work.. so tired dat i dun even feel like doin anything.. went back to work on sun evening.. i seriously dun mind taking an empty bed plus another patient.. de only thing i cant stand was dat pple keep changing my roster so dat she doesnt haf to admit de first case.. wasnt assignment being fixed at de start of de work? so wat does this mean? anywae on de positive side, der's only benefits to me cuz i get to learn..

work tdy was terrible as well.. juz one particular patient kept me busy de whole day cuz procedures were juz on-going for him, one after another.. thank god for one of my colleagues, i managed to keep a positive attitude n get thru it.. tough life man..

i was so tired dat i didnt even wanna run but i still managed persuade myself to do it.. met meixuan & debbie for dinner n dessert.. it was really great meeting them esp debbie after so long.. de last time i saw her was when she visited me at ttsh wif cherylin.. she's such a sweetheart.. anywae met my sis after dat.. she's another sweetheart.. she was de other angel in my life tdy.. got a bday gift frm her but i nvr expected her to buy me such an expensive gift.. a burberry's bag.. it's really very nice n i really like it alot.. tks sis, love u lots.. actually i can bear to use it.. scare i will spoil it.. hehs..

dEpReSsIoN

2007-09-22T23:21:00.000+08:00

i havent really research on wat's depression n wat causes it but mel kinda went n search for sign n symptoms of depression.. well tink both of us r suffering frm depression.. i really wanna get out of it but i haf no idea how.. well, let's see, wat's depression?

Some people say that depression feels like a black curtain of despair coming down over their lives. Many people feel like they have no energy and can't concentrate. Others feel irritable all the time for no apparent reason. The symptoms vary from person to person, but if you feel "down" for more than two weeks, and these feelings are interfering with your daily life, you may be clinically depressed.

Most people who have gone through one episode of depression will, sooner or later, have another one. You may begin to feel some of the symptoms of depression several weeks before you develop a full-blown episode of depression. Learning to recognize these early triggers or symptoms and working with your doctor will help to keep the depression from worsening.

Major depressive disorder, commonly referred to as "depression," can severely disrupt your life, affecting your appetite, sleep, work, and relationships.

The symptoms that help a doctor identify depression include:

constant feelings of sadness, irritability, or tension YES
decreased interest or pleasure in usual activities or hobbies SOMETIMES
loss of energy, feeling tired despite lack of activity YES
a change in appetite, with significant weight loss or weight gain SOMETIMES
a change in sleeping patterns, such as difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much SOMETIMES
restlessness or feeling slowed down YES
decreased ability to make decisions or concentrate YES
feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, or guilt YES
thoughts of suicide or death YES

Causes of Depression
Depression has no single cause; often, it results from a combination of things. You may have no idea why depression has struck you.

Whatever its cause, depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.

Some of the more common factors involved in depression are:

Family history. Genetics play an important part in depression. It can run in families for generations.
Trauma and stress. Things like financial problems, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of a loved one can bring on depression. You can become depressed after changes in your life, like starting a new job, graduating from school, or getting married.
Pessimistic personality. People who have low self-esteem and a negative outlook are at higher risk of becoming depressed. These traits may actually be caused by low-level depression (called dysthymia).
Physical conditions. Serious medical conditions like heart disease, cancer, and HIV can contribute to depression, partly because of the physical weakness and stress they bring on. Depression can make medical conditions worse, since it weakens the immune system and can make pain harder to bear. In some cases, depression can be caused by medications used to treat medical conditions.
Other psychological disorders. Anxiety disorders, eating disorders, schizophrenia, and (especially) substance abuse often appear along with depression.

well somehow or another this sounds rather serious.. but i do hope i'm not dat serious cuz i already suspected i'm having it.. well mayb i can get out of it but i seriously haf no idea how to do it.. shld i see a psychiatrist n mayb start taking medication like wat mel has spoken of previously.. or shld i juz leave it n mayb monitor it myself..

went for dragonboat gathering.. it was nice to see them.. but as de nite gets darker n darker, i can see myself getting tired n more tired.. thot i would fall asleep in de bus on my way home but suddenly sadness juz overwhelmed.. i kept asking myself wat am i upset abt but i juz cant seem to find de answer.. since der's no reason i shld b upset den i shldnt b but i juz cant help feeling sed.. i felt so sad dat tears began to dwell.. juz b4 they almost fall, i looked out of de bus n into de dark sky.. den my mind juz went blank.. next thing i knew, i was home n writing my blog now..

YiPpY..

2007-09-19T16:28:00.000+08:00

yippy i'm finally done wif my nite shift.. it's been so busy during this round of nite.. especially last nite when i nursed a liver dialysis patient.. could even feel it at de ball of my foot now - it hurts.. but i'm glad i'm finally done wif it.. hehs..

been running de past two days.. did a 10km yesterday n clock 57:34mins.. feel pretty good after de run.. hopefully wif my coach trg program, i can hit a 50mins by end of de year.. talking abt my coach.. msg him yesterday if he'll b trg but he didnt reply.. instead haf to ask melissa.. saw him ytd at trg but he seem to b ignoring me.. mayb i'm juz being sensitive.. but usually he'll talk to me n stuff but he didnt even said a word to me.. asked if he's running wif de uncles, he juz pointed to his schedule.. i was like oh ok.. kinda pissed off wif his action.. i'm sure der's smthg wrong wif him cuz i realised he was pretty quiet during de trg.. msg him again earlier n he said he was ok.. guess i juz haf to take his words for it..

while i was running ytd, i thot abt alot.. esp. wat's wrong wif my coach.. thot abt mel.. it's really funny like how life changes.. mel's kinda close wif two of my impt men in life.. one was in de past, de other is my coach.. was kinda jealous when i realised dat mel knows more abt eric than i do.. not only dat: mel & roy hang out pretty often when roy was in town.. dun know y i feel this way.. i cant blame her or anything.. i haf only myself to blame for not making de effort to talk to them resulted in things turning out this way..

recently i found out dat in fact my close frenz now has become my ex-colleagues.. esp: timothy, mongling, jasmine & siyu.. but on second thots, dat's because i looked for them more often.. guess it's juz librian.. (AGAIN).. we hate lonliness.. actually noone seems to care to look for me.. it has always been me looking for pple.. asking if they wanna go out.. sounded kind of pathetic, felt uncared for as well.. this could b wat triggered off my depressive mood on sat nite after wat verine msg me.. wat has happen to de past diana dat i know? y is it juz so difficult to revert to de good old days? could it b cuz i used to b so occupied wif trg n sch dat i didnt even haf time to meet anyone? well, i'm still feeling depressed but i haf been working very hard on it.. guess blogging is de only plc where i tell me true feelings.. i really dun feel happy abt life.. but wat am i unhappy abt? i cant answer myself as well.. i've got a great job which gives me alot of satisfaction but i felt not great enough.. i've got a very supportive family but not supportive enough.. i've got alot of frenz but not all r caring enough ( at least dat's wat i feel, is it because my expectation of frenz haf increased dat i dun feel their care?) i wanna feel being loved by someone but dat someone nvr seem to appear.. i wanna succeed in doin my thing, achieving my goals but i'm not hardworking enough, not enthu enough, dun haf enough willpower, dun haf enough money, it's juz not enough of everything.. ARRRGGGGHHHH...

anywae wateva it is, hopefully i feel better after blogging..

mOoD sWiNg..

2007-09-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

some called it a mood swing.. i'm calling it a mood swing too.. but it's not de usual mood swing frm happy mood to angry mood.. but for me it's a happy mood to depressive mood.. unlike de usual librians.. cheerful, happy going, optimistic, mostly positive thots.. but rather i haf became a different librian.. mayb an unique individual.. still stuck in de past on most days.. trying really hard to get over life.. but it seems like de harder i try, new obstacles always appear.. these obstacles really left me feeling useless, caught me right in de middle, not knowing wat to do, how to react, how to survive.. is der a course on survival skills? is der like a happy drug like wat my fren claims, dat i can take n stay happy forever? living life on this realistic world has always been very complicating.. de usual n common phrase wat pple always use:"what a life!"

i came to realise this a few days ago, dat having many frenz is a headache.. cuz when i try n meet up wif my frenz, my family will tink dat i neglected them.. dat i'm always hanging out late n seldom home.. but if i stay home most of the time.. not only do i neglect my frenz but i feel depressed more often than i feel happy.. well, i'm not saying i dun feel happy being wif my family.. but i tried staying home de whole of last last wk.. in fact i was home most of de time, all alone in my room.. n wat did i do? nothing.. rotting on my bed, snacking away, refusing my proper diet, being lazy to run, no aim, no life.. i like my life to b packed.. packed wif alot of program.. so dat i feel treasured, appreciated, talented, useful to de society, wateva u can named it.. but when i'm home n not doin anything.. juz a word to describe: "LOUSY".. is it part of librian's trait? keep themselves busy & occupied?

it's really tough to balance between family, frenz & work.. as usual, life is never easy.. but like wat mel has reminded me of evan almighty.. god doesnt give u wat u wish or ask for.. instead he make u learn thru a situation to achieve ur goal, ur wish.. wat a meaningful life!! (like real!!)

i'm finally done wif my last paper.. hopefully i dun fail, otherwise studying again it's not a prob but having to pay for de paper is.. got lotsa debts suddenly.. wish i haf de ability to make more money.. wait a min.. i shld b positive.. i do haf to ability.. (it takes abit of psycho-ing skills to tell myself that..) it's all abt how i make use of situation, n stuff like dat.. but i do dream of juz striking de lottery den der's no efforts taken to make it happen.. how cool isnt it.. alrite.. shall leave things as it is now.. always hoping for a better tmr though smtimes i prefer tmr not to come.. *heading off for my run, tink my coach is disappointed wif me for not training hard.. he's been so busy in sch dat i feel neglected.. he's used to msg me on n off.. asking me to run but he dun do it anymore.. guess now i lack of one motivator.. but mayb i shld turn de situation around n b his motivator.. dun i sound positive? hehs..

aRrGgHh............

2007-09-03T16:07:00.000+08:00

do u guys seriously tink dat i dun know de consequences of getting drunk? do u tink dat i like being drunk? do u tink dat i dun know i sjldnt b drinking so much? do u tink i', not embarrassed by wat happen? yes it'm my fault wateva has happened.. i didnt want it as well.. i really cant take it anymore.. i seriously cant take it anymore.. wateva has happened it far too stressful for me to handle.. dun ask me wat's wrong wif me.. dun ask me y am i doin all these.. i cant find de right answer as well.. i cant answer myself, how do u expect me to answer u? do i not want myself to b a better gal? do i not want myself to give other a better impression? haf i not try hard enuff? simply cant please everyone.. even if i'm given de chance now, i'm far too tired to do it anymore.. i lack de motivation.. i lack de zest.. i haf been trying to look at de brighter side but i juz cant do it anymore.. cuz whenever my feelings got slightly better, smthg has gotta happen to just tear it away.. it'll take away de rainbow after de rain.. n it juz start pouring.. it has been pouring de last few days till my heart is flooded.. till de rain doesnt stop.. n i'm afraid end of de world is coming soon.. i feel like i'm juz a step away.. i'm really trying very hard not to step into it.. cuz i haf not achieved much yet but if de time is to come, it will still come.. noone can predict it, not even u or me.. mayb god will know n i hope he will take my sufferring away soon.. i know he has given me de situation to learn a certain behaviour.. but it's far too much dat i can take.. it's really far too much.. stop questioning y was i so drunk dat day, cuz everytime when u question me, u r juz pushing me a step closer to de other world..

wAt'S wRoNg WiF mE?

2007-09-02T15:14:00.000+08:00

yesterday had been a really terrible day for me.. celebrated mongling's bday at dblo but didnt expect to get so drunk even though my purpose was only to get mongling drunk.. anywae luckily der was siyu to send me home.. this is probably de 2nd or 3rd time dat i was having such a bad hangover.. it was really really terrible.. wat made matter worst was how de hell did i break my tooth? it was really crazy.. wat has really gotten into me? i'm like drinking my life away.. i wasnt like dat.. seriously i haf been asking myself, wat's really making me so upset? i juz cant seem to find de answer.. if i know wat i'm upset abt den at least i can juz aim straight at de problem n probably try n solve it but i juz haf fxxxing hell no idea.. sometimes when i reach to de peak, i really feel like dying.. i dun wish to b ard n give others more problems.. since i cant handle my own problem, i dun tink i shld trouble others as well.. but can death really solve my problem? well, at least rite now i would like to tink likewise..

mayb i shld really go away.. go somewhere n stay alone or mayb wif mel.. we r both juz drowning der.. i used to smile n laugh alot n it really come frm de bottom of my heart.. i'm really very happy but now i'm juz wearing a mask everyday.. it's juz so tiring..

went n run after work tdy wif eric.. if he didnt ask me to go, i'll probably juz go home n slp.. thank god i went.. though i was damn tired after de run but i feel good.. did a 50mins run n covered a dist of abt 7.5km.. not sure if this is considered good but personally i dun tink so.. i wanna train till i was de before accident me.. clocking 50mins for 10km.. felt a lil backache n knee pain during de run but i'm feeling pretty alrite now.. mayb i shld really focus on running to relieve stress.. but wateva it is, life really sux..

RiDiCuLoUs

2007-08-31T00:36:00.000+08:00

i was fuming mad yesterday.. as in really mad.. took up this assignment to help babysit an expat's baby.. all along i knew this was frm yc's agency but he didnt know it was me who's taking up de assignment till tues when cc msg him my email add.. den waited de whole day for his email.. when i spoke to cc on tues evening.. she told me actually der r two babies dat need to b babysitted so yc needed two persons.. jasmine came across my mind so i thot mayb can ask her but she couldnt make it.. as usual i always turn to my buddy, melissa.. she thot i needed help so she decided to take up de assignment despite having a very tight schedule.. i did tell her was yc's lobang but she didnt realise it till wed nite.. anywae he finally emailed me on wed.. checked my email at work.. under de eyes of cc, i replied yc's email.. though i was hesitating whether to take up de assignment anot but bcuz it was cc, i decided not to play him out.. nevertheless, i'm hoping de rest of my assumptions were all wrong but u cant blame me for tinking likewise.. cuz everything is almost impossible.. apparrently someone called mel at 6plus asking whether if she still wanna take up de assignment.. she tried asking for my opinion but was busy n i didnt reply her.. anywae she took up de assignment.. on wed at 7plus someone called my hp.. he address himself as sheryl's colleague.. this is de interesting part.. for goodness sake.. i haf known him like 4yrs n haf spoken to him b4.. would i haf not recognise dat it was him? in de end he told me de assignment has been postponed to next wk.. i was like stunned.. obviously i cant make it next wk cuz i requested for my off these 2 days to take up de assignment.. i was like so mad.. r u trying to make fun of me or fool me or anything? i seriously believe in retribution.. if dat's really wat he meant.. he's seriously overboard now.. he's really taking me for granted.. dat's not de worst.. called mel at 6plus telling her dat de assignment has been postponed.. this poor gal was already out.. her parents were so mad abt it.. i'm really serious dat he really meant it n dat de expat really postponed their conference or smthg.. better not let me hear de truth.. women r always vicious.. like i always say i may b nice to u but do not take advantage of situation.. i really would like to believe dat de assignment is postponed.. but i dun believe dat someone would juz cancel their conference, look i'm talking abt conference not meeting or anything.. unless i cant differentiate between conference n meeting.. anywae i was saying i dun believe one will juz cancel their conference last min.. anywae de truth will always b told.. i'm juz waiting.. cmon if he doesnt wan any of us to take up de assignment den juz say so.. wateva.. i nvr expect us to become like dat.. look how earth evolve n how humans really change.. it felt great to vent my frustration cuz i feel so much better everytime.. nvm it's all over..

i finally went n register for class3.. tks to eric for fetching me ard.. he's such a sweetheart.. shld brand him de super coach.. haha.. did running wif him.. tink i can push myself alittle bit more during next trg.. hopefully i dun get any pain anywhere.. it's really sucky when u try n push urself but u cant do it cuz u r like feeling pain somewhere.. but i was surprised dat my personal best for 10km was not 50mins instead a 44mins.. anywae my aim now was to get a sub50mins for my standard chartered relay..

met weiping for dinner.. this guy really love japanese food.. de last time i met him we had japanese food.. got myself a new dress n a new book.. somehow or another i kinda like chinese author but of cuz in english la.. haha.. got this book called "brothers" seems interesting.. guess it all depends on how long i'll take to finish.. if not like "mens r frm mars, women r frm venus" i haf yet to complete it n i tink i've been on it for months.. haha.. went n watched evan almighty.. it was pretty good i would say.. not only was it funny but it was pretty touching as well.. tink i felt tears coming out.. haha.. de moment when de wife returned to evan after leaving him tinking he was mad.. but i tink it's kinda true.. u pray to god wanting smthg.. god does give u dat but juz dat u cant give it to u directly.. u r supposed to learn frm it or do smthg to achieve it.. "u pray to b patience, god dun give u patience but instead he gives u a situation n teach u to b patience.." tink it's really a good movie for me cuz no matter how bad life can b.. it's meant to b this way cuz god is teaching u a valuable lesson.. learn frm it n it'll come in handy in future, n teaches u to deal wif situation..

tInKiNg HaRd AbT mY LiFe!!

2007-08-29T00:57:00.000+08:00

been tinking alot de past few days abt how i wan my life to b.. wat i wan my future to b.. wat's de next step i wanna do in life.. haf been posting these questions to myself lately.. n i tink i will still b doin it till i find de right answer..

haf been drained by all these thots.. but thank god, der was timothy & david who kept me thru all these long-dreaded nite.. they r really juz a phone call away.. they r like de sweetest thing on earth to me now..

i cant really rely on liz as she's far away.. she has her own life to lead too.. mel has been so busy wif work.. i dun wanna add more to her burden as well.. hiaz..

david was so sweet.. was talking to him juz now.. he saw my msn nick n was encouraging me.. besides mongling.. he was like de next person to encourage me.. thanks guys.. really appreciate dat alot alot..

i know mel has always been der too.. she knew i needed to chat wif someone on my way home dat she actually called me n accompanied me on my way home.. thanks babe.. i'm glad to haf met these grps of frenz.. who haf been der when i needed help n support..

tink tim was de best.. always accompanying me till late nite.. it's really nice to talk to him.. cuz smtimes we haf de same goals so we haf kinda became each other's encourager, supporter.. haha..

it's really amazing how life gets twisted n turned n become like wat we r now.. it's really very amazing.. i'm feeling abit of happiness now.. n i'm trying very hard to b like wat i used to b.. it's gonna take some time so frenz pls bear wif me.. <3>

LiFe Is So VuLnErAbLe!!

2007-08-28T00:25:00.000+08:00

yeap once again i feel dat life is so vulnerable.. even if u tink u can do it but by de time u realise it, u r probably gone frm this world.. cuz it's juz de fact dat u cant do it.. i always believed in life is so short so simply enjoy n do wateva u wanna do.. but now der's a continuation to it.. do wateva u wanna do but to ur limit.. cuz life is simply not as amazing as u tink it can b or shld i say life is vulnerable.. u r not as strong as wat u tink u r..

was working morning shift on sun morning.. de day where army half marathon was held.. de before accident me would haf participated in it but i cant make it so i simply put myself to work.. but at 9am my colleague received a phone call saying a guy was admitted for heat stroke n needed or heat stroke room to shower de patient so as to cool him down.. within 5 mins, we receive another phone call saying der's another one.. within de next 5mins my icu reg received a phone call saying total der r 3 of them but out of which one had passed away b4 he arrived in de hospital.. one boy came in to me, he was in a really bad state of delirium.. he headed my head when we were trying to hold him down while my dr was trying to insert an arterial line for him.. it was loud n it hurts.. it still hurts a little till now.. he's really strong.. was tinking de whole time whether if i'll see any farmiliar faces which i hope i dun.. next thing i realise, i met roy poh.. so de guy who was admitted is his cadet in ocs.. de 3 guys were all in de ahm team.. they were trying to win de race.. yes, i might b impt to win de race but it's even more impt to keep urself alive.. look wat had happen to cpt ho.. a young chap like him juz gone as a result of trying to do well for his race.. de guy who was admitted even smarter.. while trying to cut short his timing, he decided to miss all de drinking point.. omg u r running a 21km not a 10km.. he didnt even hydrate himself properly b4 de race.. all he drank was a cup of h2o b4 de race.. huh? do u even call dat hydration? i haf no idea at all.. i used to tink running afetr partying is fine but not after this incident.. i would rather think sufficent rest and hydration is even more impt than anything else.. i would rather sacrifice my partying time for my slp if i'm goin for anymore races in future..

went chilling out wif tim earlier on.. since de day when i met edwin, i simply cant get him out of my mind.. this is bad.. hiaz.... i really hope i can see him soon.. was talking to another fren last nite.. omg we actually spoke to each other for 1hr plus.. we haf nvr spoke n for such a long time.. morever wif a guy.. it was amazing n it was really great to chat wif him n reminishing de old time.. hehs..

frenz dat i used to tink i can rely on in time of need r not der.. instead frenz whom i dun expect to b ard actually can sense my unhapppiness... i'm really touched by all ur behaviour.. in order to prove dat i'm still de same old me, i'll do wat i used to do but u guys really need to give me alot of time.. but this time round diana is not only badly hurt but there's too much stuff in her brain dat she need to sort them thru.. but i really appreciate dat u guys can really sense how i really feel even though i haf always been wearing my mask to meet u guys.. tks guys.. love u..

hOpInG fOr A nIcE wKeNd!!

2007-08-24T02:11:00.000+08:00

yippy wkend is coming.. hoping for a gd wkend but i know it doesnt really matter to me juz i'm likw working pm shift for dat n am shift for sun.. sun is like family day so i haf to b like home after work.. sometimes it's good but smtimes it can get really boring cuz nothing to do n i juz waste my wkend like dat.. BORING!!

celebrated frances bday on wed nite @ dblo.. omg this poor gal was really drunk.. she practically puked everything out.. smthing i've nvr seen b4.. hehs.. met this really disgusting gal.. she pulled up her dress and was showing her granny style panties.. awww.... so horny.. well i shld say disgusting.. i seriously tink dat she was horny or craving for sex.. she was juz ball grabbing, i meant grabbing guy's balls.. i dun mean to b so truthful but i really meant it.. met this poor guy who got his balls grab for nothing.. tried helping him instead got molested by this crazy gal..she touched me like all over till i cant stand it.. and she finally tasted my limits.. i pushed her away n asked her to stop coming near me & my frenz.. but she still try n walk towards me.. i was juz this close to slapping or getting into her fight wif her.. she's real crazy man.. got a caucasian n pretended to b her bf.. i was like "oh c'mon get a life".. do u really tink i care if u get a caucasian bf? i'm like de least interested.. anywae it was real great fun to disturb her.. she's was juz so wasted to even realise wat she was doin.. if i had film dat down, i'll probably cld haf bribe her for some money.. hehs.. sure would haf come in handy.. haha..

oh yeah, back to frances.. u know wat? i've nvr seen her so drunk b4.. not, mayb i shld say i've nvr seen her puked like this b4.. it was like 2 hrs after de drinking sessions.. seriously speaking, i dun tink she really drink alot.. but this poor gal really puke alot.. luckily der was cat & andrea to look after her.. i tried to but i got carried away while having fun.. anywae i'm glad dat she had fun..

went work in de afternoon.. felt so tired even though i slept for like 7hrs.. it was really crazy.. but i managed to scrap thru.. thank god i was junior.. hehs.. wanted to met keith but this guy simply doesnt reply my msg.. msg colin, he didnt reply me too.. luckily i had timothy.. msg edwin as well.. though he said he'll call me after his work, but i alredy guessed it dat he wun meet me.. anywae went hongkong cafe at hougang wif tim & dav.. seriously these two guys r such a sweetheart.. dropped poor david home.. he had like 200 interviews tdy.. crazy man.. tim & i dropped by villa bali.. had a bot of champage.. talked alot.. it was like a heart baring session.. this guy is really such a sweetheart.. hoped his gf had treated him better.. he n dav r probably de only two guys whom made me believe in platonic relationship.. talk abt friendship wif guys.. i nvr believe so till i met them.. they r really gd bro to me who look after n cheer me up when i'm down.. thank god for bringing them to my life.. but ultimately, i still cant stop tinking abt edwin.. i really hope to see him soon.. like real soon.. :)

eMoTioNaLLy DrAiNeD

2007-08-21T21:58:00.000+08:00

managed to wake up on time for work this morning even though i only slept at 2am last nite.. my definition of on time was to take train to work n to reach on time.. haha..

went nyp and ran wif eric.. no idea y but guess he's de only person so far dat i'll juz let go of my mask & b a real me.. i didnt realise dat i'm still in a state of depression.. i know wat he said was true.. i'm a strong gal both mentally & physically.. wateva i've been thru not everyone can do de job as good as me.. but i've really used up all my happy pills.. been juz wearing my mask around.. noones know de real me inside.. how am i feeling.. how am i doing.. somehow or another i felt everyone was juz waiting for me to entertain them.. keep them happy.. i swear i enjoy making pple happy but there r juz these few pple dat has been making me upset.. not many can really make me happy.. wat am i supposed to do? i cant blame anyone for how i feel.. it's not fair to them.. cant find someone whom i can really pour all my feelings out.. well in a way i hate to let pple know dat i'm upset or disappointed.. whenever i'm upset or disappointed or stress... all i need to do is to do my sports.. i mean i can still run now but running like how i used to to get rid of all de negative thots is equivalent to killing myself now.. de last time i did dat i had backache for a few days.. it was so bad dat it even affected my mobilisation.. i dun wish for dat to happen.. when eric was like talking to me, i knew he was trying to help me to gain back my positive attitude.. but seriously i juz cant find de strength to do so anymore.. de more he talked abt it, de tears were all at de brim.. i nearly juz broke down but i decided to hang on.. till de day i can find out wat's making me feeling so negative otherwise i can nvr get out of this state.. so everyone juz haf to enjoy me wearing my mask.. who's not enjoying that.. at least they r happy n i can make them happy..

been tinking abt edwin de last few days.. i really cant stop tinking abt him.. but wat's wrong wif me? i know it's impossible between de two of us yet i'm like still hoping for smthg to happen.. could this b one of de reason y i keep having negative thots? i seriously haf no idea.. y noone is telling me to forget abt him.. when i tell them i wanna msg him, they actually advised to go ahead.. aint u sending me to my own grave? but on second thot, even if they were to tell me to forget him, i probably cant do it till i hear wif my own ears or see wif my own eyes dat he's happily attached.. i believe if he's happily attached, he probably wun b out having fun n i remember him saying he's not ready for marriage.. oh god, y am i tinking of all these? stop tinking, IDIOT!!

der's alot of plans in my head now, i really dun know which one to go for it.. i seriously cant decide.. but i tink i shld get away frm here.. singapore has left me far too much hurt than happiness.. but wateva it is, i'm giving myself till next yr.. shall decide again..

tOo MaNy HaD hApPeN..

2007-08-21T01:41:00.000+08:00

too many things had happened over de wkend.. it really left my mind in a state of shock..well maybe not, probably juz one particular incident.. met a fren & his fren wif mel on fri nite.. we had a bottle of champange at villa bali den we headed down to km8 at sentosa and we had like 3bottles of shooters.. de shooter was nice n sweet n i absolutely didnt know dat can get me drunk too.. it was a crazy nite but i swear this guy is really cute & nice but except dat he's attached.. otherwise he would haf been perfect.. he was de one dat i haf been tinking over de past few days.. de thot juz linger in my mind.. i really cannot believe dat he can actually make me forget abt yc.. this is de surprising part.. hahah.. but i did smthg really bad.. for a matter of fact dat i was wasted but not dat drunk till i degrade myself.. we actually kissed.. omg.. i felt bad in a way to de gf.. i'm really sorry.. but i'm serious it was nothing more than a kiss.. well i'm still waiting for him to ask me out again.. but probably he wont even msg me anymore.. but i really tink i'm infatuated wif this gorgeous guy.. but wateva, life still goes on..

had a ward bbq on sat at east coast park.. i was really using my pr skills.. i was practically talking to everyone incl. sister ong's husband.. haha.. till jasmine & francine were like disturbing asking whether if i were tired or thristy.. they even offered me drinks lor.. basket.. but i really had lotsa fun.. outof de least expected, meifong got drunk.. it's true, drunken meant everything frm de bottom of their heart.. she really let out alot of stuff n i seriously tink dat she's very stress and unhappy wif her current life but wat makes matter worst is dat she actually let vino's secret out.. it was crazy but yet hilarious.. haha.. but overall it was a great outing.. well done guys.. u guys were great n de party wont b perfect without u guys..

went suppering wif david & timothy.. somehow or another these r de two guys dat i really enjoyed goin out wif.. talking abt true platonic relationship.. this is really friendship.. i can talk to them abt anything n everything.. frm frenz to guys to money to work.. juz abt everything.. i feel very relaxed talking to them n they r always entertaining me.. they dun anyhow encourage me to do anything, it's really thru their experience.. i love these two guys man.. tks guys.. u guys were really great..

we were actually planning for a special bday celebration this year.. it's gonna b different frm all my previous year.. i'll b celebrating my bday tog wif david's.. but doubt i will invite alot of pple.. sorry guys.. it's not dat i dun wanna invite u guys but rather de plc has got limited space so does de car.. hehs.. but still everyone r welcome to date me out.. hehs.. :)

SeLfIsH cReAtUrE!!

2007-08-15T15:51:00.000+08:00

was awoken by my aunt.. expected her to call me sooner or later.. i'm pretty sure pple r gonna ask me abt my insurance money.. i know i've got a little spare cash now.. it's up to me how i wanna spend it.. i juz felt like pampering my sis so i got her a LV wallet for her bday.. my aunt was like telling me not to tell my sis.. but y? saying she's afraid she might ask more stuff frm me.. which she seldom.. is it wrong of me to pamper her? morever she's my sister, it's juz right dat i pamper her.. den she told me not to tell my parents.. but they r my own family members, y cant i share wif them? wateva la.. i really tink dat pple do things to their own benefits.. i might haf a little more or shld i say spare cash now but pls dun tink dat i've become a millionaire or smthg.. which i'm not.. if i knew getting this sum of money will give me so much headache, i would rather dat i didnt get it.. now she's asking me to return some to de aunt dat i'm staying wif for de money she help me to come up wif my granny's n grandpa's funeral.. i tried returning it to her straight after de funeral but she didnt wan.. in de first plc u tink i like to owe this kind of money? of cuz not.. de cousin dat help me to get de claim wants me to buy her a dress.. wateva la.. everyone's like trying to benefit frm my insurance which i havent even benefit myself frm it.. seriously i would rather not haf de money.. it juz makes my life miserable.. mayb i shld juz misplace de money.. fantastic.. den noone can blame me for not spending money on them or wat.. of cuz i know who treats me well n stuff.. of cuz i'll treat these pple in some way or another but pls dun interefere wif how i wanna spend them.. i seriously believe human being r a selfish lot.. am i like them as well? i'm really gettin very tired of this.. sometimes i really feel like getting out of here.. i'm already 25 n i need my own privacy some time.. i dun mind my aunt trying to interfere wif my life sometimes.. but at other time i juz wanna b on my own leading my own life.. i really dun know wat to say.. but i tink i wanna leave here soon.. go to a plc where noone knows me, n lead my own life.. i might make a lot of frenz, i might not.. but it doesnt matter to me anymore.. though i always believe frenz play a very impt role in my life.. i appreciate wat each n everyone tries to do, but i tink i'm feeling tired trying to pls everyone, trying to make everyone happy.. who's gonna really make me happy.. i guess i've surpressed my own real feelings for too long dat now i'm numb.. i dun feel anything, anymore.. thought my prob wif mel was de main issue for my depression but now i tink it's not.. i'm having a major issue wif my life now cuz i no longer feel satisfaction in life anymore.. i really hate it.. now to tink back, i wished god had taken my life away.. living in de real world is really horrible.. i dun wish to live, god, can i exchange my life wif ian? i tink he has more to accomplish in life than i do.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna accomplish now.. der's nothing in de real world dat's pulling me back frm death.. der's nothing in life dat i wanna hold on to.. der's juz nothing dat i can tink of dat's really worthy of me living for..

dRoPpEd A hEaVy StOnE..

2007-08-14T02:41:00.000+08:00

been running to n fro to wd58 tdy.. no idea y but guess i juz miss dat plc.. went der early in de morning den went for my BCLS re-cert wif kak masnia.. met soohui, ended up wif her for de whole session n we even went for lunch together n measured our uniform b4 heading back to ward.. was given de wrong schedule so didnt bring my scrub suit.. end up wearing monling's uniform to work.. tink i'm gonna miss wearing scrub suit once de new uniform is out.. it's pretty translucent though.. guess probably patients will get more tachynoeic esp seeing those nurses in tight uniforms.. haha..

went sch for tut n lect.. i was so sleepy.. cldnt focus at all even after drinking two cups of coffee.. slept for almost 6hrs last nite but mayb didnt sleep well cuz i was juz too sleepy to even stay awake thru lect.. i better start studying for my exam soon otherwise i'm sure i'll fail this module again.. dun wanna waste my money anymore..

went back sgh again after sch to look for tim.. went supper wif him n david.. they r damn funny lor.. really very entertaining to go out wif them.. u'll nvr feel upset or anything cuz they r forever talking nonsense.. haha.. guess we were juz laughing de whole time n was de loudest at prata house at thomson.. i was so hungry cuz dat was dinner cum supper for me.. hopefully i can b successful wif my weight lost, tink i did cuz i lost abt 2.5kg within two weeks.. probably getting sick plays a part in it but i hate being sick.. cuz u'll juz feel so lethargic to do anything..

spoke to mel since i got home for almost one n half hour.. i knew y i haf been feeling depressed but i refused to accept de fact dat it was bcuz of her till she read my blog n wrote me a message.. only den i realised i couldnt keep it frm her anymore n i juz let out everything.. kinda disappointed wif myself for doubting her.. to tink she has always spoken up for me which resulted in most of her arguements.. i'm so sorry babe.. anywae it was good dat now de air has cleared up.. i can feel dat happiness is slowly seaping back into my blood.. dat's wat i've always been anywae or i shld say my personality: happy-go-lucky.. shall let fate decide whether we shld go away anot.. but i'm pretty sure we'll b able to get a tix though it's only this wkend.. hehs..

oh yah, met david juz now n he passed me smthg.. thot he gave me a gift den i realised de gift does look familiar.. it's a gift i gave someone for his bday but he didnt want to accept it n return me.. i've nvr met such a person before.. i dun know but mayb cuz i was scolded for this b4 by my frenz.. this guy dat i didnt like b4 gave me a bday gift n i returned it back to him n my frenz all scolded me n i took de gift back.. gift once given shld not b returned.. u can do wateva u wan wid it.. i dun know how to express this feeling but i finally n really understood smthg.. he's really someone who's not worthy of my love or even friendship.. wat a guy he has turn out to b.. someone who's so different when i first knew him.. well, like wat pple has always say: love is blind.. i really believe this is true so blind till i end up believing him time n again.. hurt not once but thrice.. once bitten twice shy is not enuff for me.. anywae wateva he wanna do.. even his good fren oso dun bother him anymore y shld i even care.. i'm happy wif how i lead my life now.. sooner or later he'll b out of my mind before i even realise n juz like b4.. shall not give up a tree for de whole forest.. haha.. i'm not dat old so i still got my options n i shall keep it open till de day i find my prince charming..

one of my fantasy: my prince charming playing piano for me under de sunset till de sky turns dark n firework fill de sky n brighten up de sky.. how romantic.. haha..

hApPy BiRtHdAy SiYu!!

2007-08-13T00:10:00.001+08:00

here goes de weekend.. day by day, week by week, month by month.. sometimes i'm really afraid how fast time flies.. without u realising it, one day is over, next before u knew it, a week has past.. i'm afraid for i felt i haf yet to accomplish anything.. tell me abt it: wat haf i even accomplish anywae.. wat has happen to all my dreams? has it come to a standstill? i havent really been goin out recently but i realise i didnt do much as well.. so where haf i spend all my time to? weird.. guess i spend most of it sleeping.. i juz feel so lethargic without sports.. i really muz get back to my active life soon otherwise it'll die a naturally death which is bad.. really really bad.. i still wanna do my 10k relay for this standard chartered.. n i wanna start dragonboating & adventure racing by next year.. but meanwhile i muz really nurse my body back to well or even better than before.. hehs..

anywae it's siyu's bday tdy.. wtd to go n give her a surprise by bringing a cake to her at work cuz she's working nite shift.. but i'm quite tired n lazy n i've got BCLS tmr.. while i was studying, i was tinking whether if i can do it tmr.. firstly bcuz of my injuring.. not sure if my left hand can really bend properly n pumped properly.. plus i'm still coughing so i've a very bad feeling dat i cant blow into de mannequine.. boring..

can u believe it? i'm doin nite again.. i dun mind la but it's really very frequent.. but i'm kinda stuck.. though i haf de weekend off.. i'm torn between goin away wif melissa n goin for wd58 BBQ.. i really wanna go away cuz i really miss diving but i had promised my frenz frm wd58 dat i'll attend de BBQ without fail.. cuz without me, there'll b not as much fun.. hehs.. nah, but i really miss my colleagues frm wd58.. though i've made some nice frenz in MICU but i knew my frenz in wd58 so much longer plus i'm like so close wif so many of them.. on the other hand, i tink i shared alot of stuffs wif alot of pple, sometimes i really wonder, is it a good thing or a bad one.. will they turn their back against me one day n spill out wateva i haf told them? anywae if they really do so, i'm oso not afraid cuz i haf not done anything bad to anyone too.. haha..

my good-for-nothing brother got into an accident.. thank god he's not injured but i've to pay for damages to de car.. stupid guy.. shant pay for his damages but if i dun den my parents haf to.. sucky.. based on all my expenses, tink i'll used up my insurance money in no time.. F***Ked UP!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIYU!!

dE kEy To HaPpInEsS

2007-08-11T01:54:00.000+08:00

tink i found de key to my happiness.. tink i know why i've been feeling down so often.. cuz i tink too much.. sometimes tinking too much really kills me.. i shld juz do wat i feel like doin.. go out wif who i feel like goin out wif.. simply to say do wateva please me.. dat's my key to happiness..

tink mel is right.. sometimes i really spent alot on my frenz.. but i really cant help it.. i enjoy spending on my frenz instead of indulging in things i like.. dat's kinda weird, is dat so? mayb not.. hehs..

guess today was one of my most carefree day.. go wif de flow, did wat i feel like doin.. but kinda got reprimanded by my senior.. for some missing drugs which i haf no idea n for a small mistake.. i know it was my fault dat i didnt report it.. but den i didnt cause any harm to my patients.. she sounded as if i didnt know wat was right or wat was wrong.. but den i dun blame her too cuz if de doctors were to question, they definitely will question her first.. guess i gotta b a little more hardworking.. need to brush up more on my skills otherwise i will not b outstanding anymore.. hehs..

one of my colleagues gave a talk today, could tell frm her voice dat she was quite nervous but i tink she did a great job.. if i were her, i'll probably haf my knees shivering behind de stand.. haha.. went sch wif my other two colleagues.. while waiting for class to start, i shared wif them my experience during my hospitalisation.. to come to tink of it, i tink i was really dreaming moments before i hit de car.. wat de hell was i tinking of man.. i muz b nuts..

met my fren n joined my ex-colleagues, watched secrets by jay chou.. de movie was alrite but i love de piano pieces.. there were really good n i tink he's really music talented.. if i were to meet a guy who'll play piano pieces for me, omg i tink i'll juz fall in love wif de person.. but on second thots, i find it really hard to fall in love again.. when will my prince charming appear? next week is fireworks week, i really wanna spend dat special moment wif someone special, but not too hopeful abt it cuz it'll b great if i watch it wif my frenz too..

met cheryl.. oh man, i really miss secondary sch days.. no as tiring as now.. hiaz.. how wonderful to b young n playful once again.. no worries.. looking forward to goin sch everyday.. but those moments were really worth cherishing for de rest of my life..

SeLfiSh TiNkInG..

2007-08-03T01:20:00.000+08:00

wonder wat has gotten into me recently.. guess besides SART & my colleagues.. i dun even feel like meeting any of my other frenz.. well, so wat r frenz? how do u tell whether if they r good or bad.. real or fake? is it by word of mouth or by wat they haf done? been living in hell for de past week.. esp. after wat i haf found out.. i really cant help it but i vented my frustration while i was running n i ended up wif a backache which lasted for almost a week.. haf i not done enuff? did i ask for any returns? no i dun.. but y pple juz dun understand me dat certain things i do or i give i never expected a return.. all i want was juz appreciation n not doubting my words.. if one can treat friendship so lightly, i dun c y i shld do so much for a fren.. kinda felt stupid.. hiaz.. no comments.. frenz dat were really around when i was sick, i haf got eyes to see.. i guess those dat really deserve my appreciations, i haf yet to shown enuff.. which i guess i shall make use of now to do it before i haf got not enuff time to do so.. like wat pple always say: life is short.. u never know wat will happen.. i dun wanna leave in regrets..

am i really very mean to tink dat way.. but i really cant help it.. anywae now looking back.. haf i been talking too much dat i accidentally gossip abt smone behind their backs? mayb i shld juz shut up.. juz learn smthg new.. since i cant stop talking.. mayb i shld juz cont chewing so dat i wun talk since my mouth is full.. wateva it is, i'ma lousy fren.. tink i shld be left alone.. thrown into a world where noone cares or bother abt each other..

haf been sick since sat n haf yet to recover.. i realise i fall sick easily nowsaday.. n i'm taking so long to recover.. wat de fuck is wrong wif my body.. nothing seems to b goin right.. life sux..

i really cant help but i muz vent this frustration.. i juz find it riduculous for a fren to b involved in a fren's relationship.. haf i not heard wat u haf done to my gf otherwise wat makes u tink dat i dislike u? on the hind side.. haf u been telling ur bf smthg, otherwise why will ur bf tink of me in this way? wateva u haf been telling him, haf u been fair to me.. haf u been telling de truth? i nvr believe in getting involved in a fren's relationship.. haf u really stopped u frm being wif him? somehow or another i felt dat after one round n another, ur issue wif each other was me.. wat de heck.. it's ok if u dun appreciate, but dun blame me for smthg dat's not working.. dun do stuff dat n get find out.. remember one can nvr escape wif a lie.. utimately u'll juz live in regret for hurting a fren..

GoOdByE iAn, u'LL b GrEatLy MisSeD bY uS

2007-07-22T16:31:00.000+08:00

de crying scene of a mother & a daughter greeted me when i arrived in de hospital.. i felt funny but it didnt dwell on me much.. guess i haf seen too much of such scenes.. haf it turned me cold-hearted?

saw two rooms screened when i arrived at de ward.. saw a few pple standing outside rm17.. i didnt bother to ask much.. while waiting for report to b passed.. one of my colleagues was passing remarks dat they were very busy in de nite.. they had like 2 deaths within a shift.. dat's really terrible.. but i was de least interested till she mentioned abt a 25 yr old patient in rm17 dat passed away because of dengue fever.. i was like tinking, it's really very young for a patient to pass away because of dengue fever.. de other colleagues got interested.. they asked her if de patient was frm a&e.. she replied no.. subsequently de conversion was just between de two of us..

diana: de patient was not frm a&e?
colleague: nope..
d: where's de patient frm?
c: transferred in..
d: frm where?
c: wd 73..
d: r u serious?
c: yup..
d: de patient really frm wd73? came in for dengue fever? i haf a fren who was admitted in wd73 for dengue fever..
c: is ur fren a male or female?
d: male..
c: is ur fren fat?
d: he's quite big size..
c: wat's ur fren's name?
( my mind went blank for a moment.. wat's my fren's name?)
d: ian..
c: yah, his name is ian..
d: u muz b kidding..

this cannot b true.. it cannot b my fren.. this is too sudden.. i muz see him.. cannot b him.. went into de rm but de family members were saying their prayers for him.. his face was covered.. i cant see him.. is it really him? wat's ian's full name? this guy looks like ian.. (his bro) this is not true.. i was so shocked dat i was like trembling, not because i was cold but i was afraid of de truth.. i checked thru my admission book.. i found his details.. i called grace, grace didnt pick up.. i called sam, sam didnt pick up.. god, i'm left wif last option, fanny.. if she doesnt picked up as well, i haf no idea who i shld turn to.. i muz tell someone.. this news is too heart-breaking for me to handle.. i cant do it.. great, i finally got thru fanny, woke her up frm her slp.. was asking her for ian's full name instead i tink she gave me hers.. for a moment i was relieved, it's not ian's name.. so i checked wif her again.. wat's ian's full name? ian ng hsin ye.. omg.. does he stay in wilkinson rd? yes.. is he born on 28th august 1981? yes.. my heart sanked right to de bottom.. this cannot b.. it really cannot b him.. but somehow or another it's too much of a coincidence, isnt it? but still i haf to tell de truth.. ian has passed away this morning.. wat a devastating news in de morning before i even started work.. i cldnt focus.. i was trembling.. but i stil didnt believe it was ian.. i muz see him otherwise i wun believe it.. when i finally got de chance, i took a peek, omg it was ian wif de tube coming out of his mouth.. he doesnt look like him anymore.. is this really my fren ian? cannot b? where's de chatty ian? where's de ian dat will smile till de eyes only revealed a line? where's de ian dat will blushed when he talks abt esther? where's de ian dat encourage me when i met wif an accident? when i saw de mortuary team pushing a trolley in, i really wanna cry.. ian's leaving.. though i dun wanna c him leave but i wanna give a hand.. i helped my colleagues n i pushed him into de trolley.. i saw him leaving de ward.. i couldnt take it anymore.. i juz broke down.. though i'm not close wif him but somehow or another i've grown attached to sart.. i juz couldnt hold de tears back when my colleagues asked me abt him.. i wanna cry my heart out but i cant.. i'm at work.. damn, y muz i b at work.. y muz he die in my icu? y muz i b de first among de grp to receive his death? it's too devastating.. i replied sam's call after dat, de more we talked abt it, de more we cldnt help it n we both broke down.. it's too sudden for any of us to take..

i spoke to ian last thurs.. he told me he's got suspected dengue n was tinking of which hospital to get admitted to if he really gets it.. i was like come sgh la.. i work der, easier for me to visit u.. he asked me where got more "piao liang" mei mei? of cuz sgh la.. den he told me alrite den i shall decide for sgh.. great.. received msg frm sam dat he got admitted to sgh last evening.. how bad can a dengue b so decided to visit him tdy.. morever i still msg him telling dat: "mr ian, u really went 2 sgh.. anywae how r u feeling? am working tmr, visit u tmr k.."shld haf called him since he didnt reply.. but it's too late now.. i'm sorry ian, mayb u shldnt haf come to sgh.. if u didnt come mayb it wasnt this bad.. mayb i'll still get to talk to u..

spoke to Dr Elizabeth Oei.. she came to know it was my fren n she told me wateva has happen.. ian came in since morning.. he was resuscitated wif fluids when he was in a&e.. part of dengue fever management.. by de time he got to de ward, de mo dat reviewed him, somehow or another changed his drip regime.. by de time dr oei reviewed him was already 11plus.. he was already very ill.. she decided to bring him down to micu for closer monitoring.. bloods was taken on arrival.. it was horrendous.. LFT was hay-wired.. hematocrit and Hb were elevated.. platelets were low.. they started fluid resus for him again.. he felt better.. but at abt 3am, he complain of chest pain and he went down-hill very very fast.. de whole icu team resus him for 90mins till ian's aunt call it a day.. dr oei felt dat a dengue fever shldnt haf juz taken a 25yr old guy juz like dat.. she decided to put it as a coroner's case.. she was juz being impartial whether if he was given de rite amt of fluid, could it haf made a difference in his bld result? but everything is too late now.. ian is already gone.. i prayed for miracle but it didnt happen.. he's really gone.. but i really wanna know wat's de post-mortem diagnosis.. if he's really been mis-managed, i dun tink i wanna stay in a hospital dat took my fren's life away.. it's juz way too over-whelming for me.. i'm still trying to get over de death of ian.. goodbye ian, u'll b greatly missed by me.. de lord will take good care of u.. like wat sam said.. he has made plans for u.. may u rest in peace..

FeeLiNg UpSeT..

2007-07-21T23:19:00.000+08:00

i'm upset by not my own prob but my buddy.. for i tink she has turned to someone dat i dun know.. someone i nvr thought would injure herself so dat someone dat she loves or care who turn around and take a look at her.. for dat i muz comment i havent come across a close fren of mine as silly as her.. this is de stupidest thing a gal should do to get her love back.. is it worth it? do u really tink he'll turn ard n take a look at u again? if really do, den in de first plc he shldnt haf allow u to hurt or injure urself.. u might not wan to live or watsoeva, but wateva u gonna do, take a good look ard urself.. how many pple ard u actually care abt u? de purpose of u injuring urself it's bcuz u wan him to look back at u.. but instead of achieving ur goal, subconciously, u haf hurt ur families & frenz dat r all ard u.. pls i beg u, promise me dat u'll nvr do anything dat stupid again.. i know u gonna go thru a very rough patch.. like wat i haf promised u b4, it's a promise i'll nvr break.. we r all gonna go thru this wif u, so fear not instead look ahead and i'm very sure u'll get out of this mess soon..

had a good dinner wif mel on thurs nite after lesson.. went humble hse n look for david.. after dinner we adjorned to new asia bar.. for a moment i thot i was in a foreign country.. it was packed wif ang mohs.. it doesnt matter to me.. was looking at de view frm way up der.. omg how i wish i can b der during ndp.. i'm sure i'll catch a good glimpse of de fireworks.. morever this yr, der's gonna b much more firework than before.. for a moment i'm really praying hard for a dream to come true.. i hoping to catch this magnificent moment wif someone whom i feel special for.. it's always very romantic to catch firework wif dat special someone.. but will it happen? well it might not happen now but i'm always hopeful for dat special moment to come.. to tink of it.. if dat special someone propose to me during a firework display, i guess without any hesistation i wld agree to dat proposal..it would probably b de happiest & most romantic moment in my life..

had cheese fondue wif jason & jasmine on fri nite.. met mel & france after dinner n by chance met anuar & gang..

i told my plan abt goin oversea to work to someone but this someone did not respect by decision of sharing this plan wif someone.. like i said it was juz a plan but he kinda announce it to everyone telling everyone dat i'm leaving.. but i haf yet to confirm.. utimately it's gonna b my decision.. mayb i might not wan to leave but u talking abt it really made me feel frustrated & irritated.. it was juz a plan.. a plan i dun mean to share wif many.. by chance tell u abt it and u asked me for more details.. oh my gosh.. i really dun know wat to say.. sometimes staying here really pushes me to de edge.. sometimes i feel dat i've got no room to breathe.. sometimes i feel frustrated but i haf noone to go to.. not dat i haf noone to go to but i dun like my trouble to b elses' one.. sometimes i wld rather myself to b upset than to c my families & frenz upset.. pls god teach me wat to do.. der always bound to haf changes to my plan.. does it mean dat i'm not focused enuff? wateva i'm doin, is it not good enuff? do i try to pls everyone too much? do i not love everyone enuff? but y do i feel upset or empty within myself sometimes? is it a better option dat i shld go? to a new plc, new environment and start all over again? frankly speaking, if i need to go, i probably wld haf left long time ago.. so wat's holding me back? families? frenz? i really dun know.. for a moment i'm confused now..

y when one is feeling down, she'll feel even more down? for dat's when all de sad moment starts floating up in her mind? nothing seems to b goin rite.. kinda stuck wif sch.. y of all time, i haf to fail two modules during my last semester? i feel really sucky having to go sch and re-doing my assignment.. re-sit for exams.. y when i'm very enthu to train, my coach became so busy? or is it something wrong wif him? y when i'm happy at my current home, my grandma muz tell me things mayb i shldnt haf know? y does one haf to give u faces when they r not happy wif u? y cant they juz tell u nicely? y muz they gimme attitude? did i do smthg wrong to deserve all these? if i do, pls let me know.. haf my behaviour or words upset anyone? if i do, pls tell me.. if u find it tiring for me to stay here, pls let me know.. for i dun wish to trouble pple.. if u dun like we share our stuffs, pls tell me.. for i'm glad not sharing.. if u dun like to talk to me or see me, pls tell me, i can jolly-well disappear into thin air.. y muz life b so complicated? y muz life b so difficult? y muz life b so messy? y muz life b so disappointing? y do i always feel miserable? y do i haf to wear a mask everyday? y do i find life torturing? y do i feel like so stressing? isnt der anythign dat i can do right? y do i get blame for smthg dat happen long time ago.. y do u haf to bring up de same old thing when we quarrel? y do u haf to bring up de past whenever we talk? does everyone do dat? y do human being need to quarrel? y cant human being juz live happily wif each other? y cant life juz b a little more near perfect? y do we haf to go through so much? is dat wat other always meant by experience? y muz we experience sadness and anger? cant it always b happiness? isnt it better?

FoCuSeD

2007-07-18T23:01:00.000+08:00

this is probably de second time since i started sch in SIM dat i'm so focused.. well or mayb cuz der's new goals in life dat i really wanna achieve.. guess it's my character.. de more someone says dat i cannot make it, de more i wanna prove them wrong..

two days after i got back frm aust, i receive de news dat i failed two of my degree modules.. there were both my research modules.. been tinking thru how can i possibly failing my last sem.. i seriously cant believe it.. after much thinking n to comfort myself.. all i can tink of it's dat i was at my lowest point in life.. depressed.. lack of focus.. killing my liver.. injuring myself (not exactly).. u would haf probably seen a diana u nvr met b4.. but i'm glad i managed to get out of this mess.. out of unplanned life.. unachieved goals.. unfocused.. wateva u can name it.. didnt party much except for twice.. once was to meet my colleagues.. de other was to celebrate tim's bday.. hope he had fun.. anywae it's bday tmr.. "Happy Birthday Tim".. u haf really been a great fren except dat can u dun ask me to party wif u so often.. tink we shld do smthg else.. i still wanna surpass u in wat u r doin.. haha..

been talking to my buddy alot recently.. i really hope she'll get out of this mess soon.. tink i'm partly responsible for it too.. i shldnt haf encourage her to follow her heart.. in de end somehow or another i hurt her n hurt her deeply.. but i nvr expected dat asshole to lift his hands on her.. he's worst than a beast, no words can describe his behaviour.. who de fuck he tink he is to lift his hands on her.. he really shld go n reflect on his behaviour.. she's not even his pet or watsoever.. for chris sake, someone pls guide this insecured boy.. who cant even differentiate between a gf & a pet or even a toy.. he's a big fucking egoistic guy.. i nvr despise or criticize a guy until like dat he's probably de first.. gal, i really u really will get out it fast... remember it's his loss not urs.. he's not worth of ur love or tears.. u r so pretty (inside & outside), i'm sure u'll find someone even better.. rite now i really hope u can focus on ur studies for u shld know better than me dat u cant afford to fail any modules.. remember i'm always der so r many of ur frenz.. i'm sure anyone of us r willing to help u tide thru this crisis n hopefully u haf really learn ur lesson.. wat u wan n shld get is someone who appreciate u, who loves u, who dotes u.. dat's wat princess is always looking for, juz like me.. :) if i cant find den i shall b single forever.. who cares.. i can b alone so i dun really need any guys.. so how or rather, life is juz so amazing.. things always happen when u least expected it.. like wat u said, well how wonderful it'll b dat two frenz can b together forever.. like wat i said b4.. we r emotionally well connected.. life wif u around has been amazing.. n i really wanna thank u for dat.. anywae hope our dreams will come true, let's work hard together for it.. remember to stay happy.. sometimes when i look into my bank account, i'm really very disappointed wif wat i haf done.. i gotta kick my habit of buying things.. haf been packing my stuffs recently.. realised dat i've got far too much rubbish.. including gifts dat i bought for my frenz.. cards i've written a yr ago, it's all still hanging in my drawer.. this is so amusing.. wateva, hope everything is still not too late.. i wanna lead a comfortable life in future so i gotta plan well for my future.. but meanwhile de very next goal i wanna achieve is to finish & graduate wif a degree.. once i'm done wif dat, i'll move on to getting into ccnc.. as for physically, i wanna do a standard chartered relay end of this yr wif a reasonable timing.. i wanna prove those who tinks dat i cant come back after my accident.. de more u despise me, de mor eu look down on me.. de more i wanna prove u wrong.. even though it's really hard to b as strong as b4, but given de will power i'm sure i'll b able to overcome all de pain & hurt dat's gonna come in wif training.. like wat pple always say "no pain, no gain" stop wasting time & move on.. which means i shld b back on my books now..

My FiRsT tImE..

2007-07-11T00:42:00.000+08:00

it's my first time to Australia,
de thot of leaving saddens me,
trip flooded wif memories,
both sweet & bad.

it's my first time to Blue Mountain,
magnificent views overwhelmed me,
holding on to each other,
dat's wat i seen on 'three sisters'.

it's my first time i saw snow,
on de journey to jenolan caves,
feeling it, touching it,
but it juz disappear within seconds.

it's my first time,
i felt so cold in my life,
but smiles on everyone,
simply melt my heart.

it's not my first time,
getting hurt over & over again,
utimately i'll still let go,
for i only wanna keep,
beautiful memories,
memories dat keep me happy,
and growing stronger day by day.

i wanna thank god,
for bringing each & everyone,
for filling up de missing puzzles,
for giving me all these experiences,
be it good or bad,
but this is where i learn abt life,
some things r meant to b kept,
while some r meant to let go.
MY FIRST TIME...

(it's not very poetic for i'm not a poet.. juz feel like writing it.. wrote it on my trip back to sydney after seeing blue mountain, rainbow & snows.. a moment full of feelings..)

can u imagine i havent been blogging for more than two weeks.. didnt expect dat pple haf been waiting to read my blog while i was in aust n how am i, enjoying myself, blah blah blah and things like dat.. indeed it was a trip i really enjoyed myself, thought alot of stuff, bring my focus back, readjusting my aims & goals.. a good trip.. a good break..

arrived in sydney on 23/6/07 @ nite.. was supposed to get out of customs and stuff faster but somehow or another i got stuck, officer checking on my passport, checking on wat i was doin here, how long i'll b here, where will i stay n things.. asking me for liz's no.. called liz n checking on her.. all this bcuz stupid me did smthg.. not anything serious though except dat i ticked de immigration card wrongly.. not only dat, i didnt even put liz's add in so kinda looked like a illegal immigrant in aust.. haha.. kinda cheesed off though.. anywae liz & carrod (liz's fren) picked me up frm sydney airport.. miss liz so much.. by de time i got out of airport was almost 9pm.. went n picked prema up.. oh god, havent seen her in ages, went for dinner at darlin harbour.. guess wat, initially i was tinking wat's wrong wif prema, de sounded so different, like she suddenly had short tongue.. only did i realised dat this naughty gal went n pierced her tongue.. ouch.. omg.. well as long as she likes it, nothing else matters.. hehs.. met liz's fren who was celebrating his bday at a pub, didnt really stay long.. not sure if it's cuz of jet-lag so i wasnt prepared to party or mayb i wasnt dressed up to party so headed back instead.. de weather was cold but i enjoyed every single bit of it..

24/6/07~went church wif liz.. her church frenz were all so friendly dat for a moment i felt like becoming a christian.. haha.. went to world square, nothing better else to do, went n do my hair.. did some treatment n had a haircut by de professional at toni & guy & spent almost AUD$200 there.. after which went and check out liz's new plc.. met victor, my polymate, dat was de moment i felt like working in sydney.. seems so much better than sg.. overloaded wif work in sg.. good point for consideration.. had dinner at pancakes n took some photos at some unknown plc where i could see both harbour bridge & opera house.. but didnt haf really good camera so couldnt get really nice pix, endede up taking ourselves.. haha.. "LA BEGGARS"

25/6/07~flew to gold coast.. adrian was der so early, de moment he arrived in gold coast he msg & called me while i was still slping on liz's bed.. haha.. anywae flight was delayed.. by de time i arrived at gold coast it was already like 3pm.. by de time i get to de hotel (courtyard mariotte - highly recommended if u r juz looking for a plc to rest wif magnificent sea view.. well dat's provided u request for high floors.. hehs.. :P) within de next few mins, it was dark.. catch some nap n went out for dinner.. it was really cold but so cold till i was so tempted n we had ice-cream for dessert.. imagine walking down de streets wif de cold wind blowing at ur face n having an ice cream.. though it was cold but dat's when i really appreciate ice cream.. hehs.. walk ard de streets to check out wat's ard de hotel.. all i can say is good location.. right smack in de central of all de shopping area.. hehs..

26/6/07~woke up to find dat it was drizzling outside but de rain nvr stop me frm doin anything.. decided to go ahead wif plan.. went to movie world.. spent de whole day der.. took quite a no of pix.. bought a couple of things.. nothing exciting.. except.. adrian & jasmine pulled me to take this water ride.. i didnt want to but they insisted.. i'm really afraid of heights.. i hate de feeling of "de heart dropping".. as usual,u can hear me screamed throughout de whole ride.. haha.. but i did enjoy myself.. was entertaining de duo wif my screams.. haha.. but den got ourselves all so wet.. not only were we wet.. we were so cold too.. by de end of de day, u can c our hair was wet frm de rain n water in de pix.. took some other rides too.. but nothing much.. went to Jupiters (casino) at nite.. first time i played roulette, juz to waste my money der only.. haha.. cuz i haf no idea how to really play it.. all iwas doin was simply putting my money on de table to get swoped.. haha..

27/6/07~de sun was bright & shining.. was supposed to go to dream world.. overslept.. haha.. late nite syndrome.. haha.. my first shopping day.. went to pacific fair.. the one n only plc where i bought lotsa stuff.. it was juz so hugh dat u can practically buy everything der.. no idea wat i bought n who i bought for.. all i can remember was by de end of de day i was carrying tons of paperbags.. wif lotsa stuff inside but mostly clothes.. SALES were all over de plc or shld i say all over australia.. haha.. wtd to go another shopping centre (cant remember wat it is called) but didnt expect de bus ride to b so long.. by de time we got der most of de shops were closed or shld i say all.. all dat was left were de eatery.. exactly wat we need.. food to replenish all de energy we spent during shopping.. not much choices.. end up wif pastas.. by de time we got back to hotel, drop dead tired.. not exactly oso but we needed de slp so dat we'll not oversleep again de next morning..

28/6/07~great weather, woke up on time, stayed wif wat was planned.. went dream world.. guess this was de plc where u can literally hear me screaming thruout.. visited de animal farm too.. de piggies were so cute.. so were de sheeps.. saw koalas & kangaroos.. took some rides.. de most exciting will b this one dat travels @ 160km/hr.. it juz zoom up to a certain height n drop by down.. let me remind u, it's within seconds.. like mayb 20s.. i was so scared.. scared de shit out of me.. was juz screaming throughout till i heard smone shouted.. "shut up".. haha.. u tink i care.. haha.. de other one dat i screamed de most was de 3d haunted house.. stupid adrain made me walked in front.. which means i haf to bring them round de corners where i get scared first.. i was so scared dat i could hardly move, so basically they were pushing me frm de back.. haha.. it was freezing when we left.. time passes really fast.. before we could even realised it was time for us to leave though by dat time i had already build up enough courage to sit all other rides but time didnt permit.. went back to de hotel.. took a rest & went jupiters at nite again.. but htis time i didnt play much.. dun wanna waste too much money gambling.. went back hotel first wif jasmine cuz both of us were bored n tired..

29/6/07~last min shopping b4 we head back to melbourne.. but i really love de glisterring beach of gold coast.. didnt had a chance to step to de beach, for sure i will go back again.. this time round not during winter.. haha.. MELBOURNE here i come.. stayed at adrian's plc.. went clubbing.. de one n only time.. kinda scary though.. de pple der were so aggressive.. so easy.. yucks.. haha.. didnt really enjoy it except for de music.. RnB rocks..

30/6/07~went shopping again in melbourne but this time round i didnt buy as much as i were in gold coast but i bought 3 pairs of boots.. haha.. crazy rite?! wateva man.. as long as i like n enjoy.. went crown casino at nite.. met adrian's frenz.. one of them were really cute.. if i remember correctly his name was tom.. but too bad he's attached.. haha.. saw two interesting scenes.. First scene: everyone flocks to de other end of de casino includings all de securities.. i wondered wat happen too.. though i wasnt really sure.. i saw one guy got punched in de eye.. de other lying motionless on de floor.. thought wat happen to him.. anywae he was ok but was brought away by de police.. wonder wat he did.. guess either he cheated or he stole money, u know stuff like dat.. Second scene: was gonna get some drink, den this drunkard fell rite in front of me, wat made matter worst was he knocked his head against de jackpot machine.. OUCH!!

1/7/07~was packing my luggage n waiting for de arrival of liz.. did nothing much..

2/7/07~this is one of my fav.. went puffy billy.. took de steam train.. damn nice.. de scenary, train ride.. it was quite short though, didnt quite get many nice pix here.. next was yarra valley (vineyard).. this was one of my fav plc.. de sky was clear.. de plc was beautiful for picture taking.. had lunch & some wine here.. took quite a no of good & nice pix here.. next was hensvale santuary.. sounds sophiscated but it was juz a zoo.. haha.. my pictures will tell all wat animal i saw der..

3/7/07~SYDNEY.. before i even realised, i'm due to go back home in a few days time.. time really flies.. juz when i'm about to enjoy myself.. anywae reach sydney quite late so didnt do anything much except for dinner n some fun over dinner.. cant help but juz had to disturb carrod.. haha.. u shld haf seen his irritated look, so funny.. haha..

4/7/07~visited my campus.. it's really big.. i like de castle looking sch.. went to somewhere near de sea.. took pix of de harbour bridge & opera house..

5/7/07~went blue mountain.. liz & me, we were both so under-dressed. freezing.. each had to buy a sweater.. temperature was like 5-9 degrees.. but de views were really good.. took de tram.. freaking hell, it was like sitting roller coaster.. it was so steep.. morever we took de front seats.. looked as if we were gonna fall into de forest anytime.. haha.. went to de jenolan caves after dat.. on our way up, guess wat i saw.. first it was rainbow.. de first time i saw rainbow so many times.. it was de same rainbow but frm different angle.. i could even catch a pix of it.. fantastic.. den i saw snow.. it was snowing.. both liz & mine, our first time dat we saw snow.. we were so excited.. haha.. had our lunch at jenolan caves.. de caves were amazing.. for them to do de tunnelling and enable pple to visit de caves, they were even more amazing.. but i really enjoyed myself - last day in sydney.. carrod took me & liz across de harbour bridge to de other side of sydney for a japanese crusine.. it was an early nite for me.. quite tired after all de touring.. but poor liz & carrod were packing stuff.. liz gotta move out of de hostel by next day..

6/7/07~it was time for me to return.. nearly cried at de airport wheni was about to leave.. wonder whether it was bcuz i'm leaving liz or whether if i dun wanna return to de reality.. anywae had abit of prob wif my luggage.. overweight.. cldnt help liz bring back her stuffs.. goodbye australia..

de moment i touched down, after i got home, i went out n meet tim, mel & david.. had a short nite.. juz chilling out n updating them abt my trip.. indeed and in fact a worthwhile trip away.. thanks to everyone who made my trip such a memorable one..

cAnT gEt To SlEeP!!

2007-06-18T02:09:00.000+08:00

oh no, why cant i get to slp? troubled? not dat i remember.. life's been good for me.. tink muz b i haf enuff slp recently dat's y i dun feel tired at all.. let me flashback wat has happen these few days..

went n celebrate fathers' day on fri wif verine & family.. it's been like dun know how many years since i last celebrated fathers' day with my own father.. came to tink of it, kinda realised i do haf a dubious family background like wat my sis said dat i dun even like to talk abt my family to many pple except a few of my close frens.. i like to take verine's family like my own family.. claimed them to b my own family.. it's really good to haf de whole family living together, not like me.. tink i've been in a denial stage for too long.. i'm not like wat everyone thinks.. good family background.. i dun n i really dun n i really hate it.. how i wished i could turn back time n let it b when i was still in pri sch when my dad owns de "kelong" earning big bucks n i get to spend like i nvr thought money will nvr b enuff or think dat i dun haf enuff money.. i enjoy taking verine n family like my own family but utimately i still dun belong to this family.. i really appreciate wat they haf done, i'll b grateful to my aunt for de rest of my life.. anywae we went humble house for fathers' day.. once again, i know.. i simply love de setting of this restaurant.. dinner was good n i ate till i was really really very full.. judging frm de way i eat sooner or later i'm gonna look like a pig n on top of dat i havent been training.. die la die la..

when i was goin to work on sat morning.. while i was travelling on de train, i was actually dozing off to slp.. suddenly woke up n was looking ard den i saw this guy who was carrying a water bag.. he looks like he was goin for some race n come to tink of it, i tink it was the singapore adventure race.. i miss another race yet again.. i really hate myself for getting into de accident n stopping myself frm doin all those things dat i haf been doin.. doin things dat has given me extra strength to move on in life.. in work.. in handling relationship.. in gaining more experience.. i really miss those days when i train wif nyp db team, mr25 runners, those uncles, sart team.. racing wif them.. having the same goals as many.. but look at me now.. i cant seem to do any of them.. to tink of it, i tink can do it.. i tink i can do a race by de end of the year.. but as time pass by slowly, n as i become more n more lazy i suddenly seem to haf lost interest in doin sports.. but it shldnt b.. i miss running, rowing, adventure racing, diving.. der's juz too many many things i haf yet to do since de start of de year.. when am i gonna start? i kept giving myself excuses but it's not gonna work.. i really gotta buck up.. but wat can i do? suddenly i feel so useless..

i give myself this coming trip as a break.. tink i've been feeling low since he left me.. i muz admit dat he coming into my life has made me relying on him too much.. thots he's everything in my life.. life wif him is perfect dat i dun even care if i lose anything else in life.. i really need a break away n sort out all my thots.. though he's already out of my mind but i haf yet to sort out wat i really wan.. dey r too many things i wanna do in life.. but i cant do everything at one go.. i gotta plan..

Plan/Goal (things i wanna achieve when i'm back frm aust)"

1) start running

~ will try n run at least twice a wk

2) start my physio & hand OT

~ gotta build back my strength esp. my left hand

3) cont my money making plan

~ re-take my paper

4) rebuild my life

~ more high moment than low moment

5) focused at work

~i gotta go back NYP for my adv dip in jan

6) tink this is more than enuff..

haha.. i gotta take one step at a time.. kinda like how i've been spending my life recently except for de a little too stuck watching tv.. haha..

n another i really really wanna do is to get rid of the scars on my hands.. it's juz bothering me at times.. any suggestion of how i can do it?

guess this is juz me.. when i cant get to slp, i always look back at how i've been spending my life? while i was refreshing my memory, i realised that i've been wasting my time on too many useless stuff.. hey diana buck up.. it's high time u wake up.. look at wat u really want to achieve in life..

LiFe Is So VuLnErAbLe!!

2007-06-15T00:53:00.000+08:00

for the first time after de accident or in my life dat i felt dat life is so vulnerable.. was on my way to work.. heard an ambulance's siren rushing to SGH.. everything dat happen to me during de accident juz flashed across my memory.. i remembered lying in de ambulance, being sent to TTSH.. been thru series of scans.. sufferred here n der.. feeling all painful but i tried to b strong.. cuz i know by den when my families saw me, they were already very upset wat has happen.. i felt so weak.. felt like death was so near but i nvr give up.. but juz dat moment, i juz realised life is so vulnerable.. life is short.. to tink if i were to juz die like dat, i would regret.. der's lotsa pple i haf yet to tell them dat i love them.. der's lotsa goals i've yet to accomplished.. der's lotsa races i've yet to participate n of cuz partnering different pple for different races.. der's lotsa plces i've yet to go.. i seriously tink dat life is short.. enjoy while u can but gotta minimize chances of getting hurt.. riding can b pretty fun.. mayb can do it in a better way as in ride leisurely.. i nvr felt this way b4.. i used to tink wateva i like, i juz do it.. no need to tink of de consequences.. but now when i look back at wat has happened, i tink i shldnt b so selfish.. how would everyone feel when i really die? they'll b upset or mayb they cant wait for me to die.. but still der's gonna b someone who really cares for me n i'm sure dat someone will b very upset.. if dat's de case.. i'll b very disappointed wif myself cuz i hate to upset pple.. i wld rather myself to b sad than them.. like i always said, i wld rather b de clown n make them happy.. guess this is wat i meant by living life to de fullest.. smile for tmr will always b different.. love everyone like u haf lotsa love to spare.. of cuz b4 u can love someone, deep inside ur heart, u muz learn to love urself..

nEw Me!!

2007-06-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

slept really late last nite.. tink i got addicted to watching taiwanese drama serial.. de guys r really good.. smtimes i really wish wateva was showing on tv will become true in real life.. wishful tinking cuz it'll nvr happen but it doesnt matter cuz a little dream will make my life better.. n i live happier..

was woken up by my aunt this morning at ten.. promise to meet her after her check-up.. went town to look for her n another aunt.. went shopping n had lunch together wif her two kids.. it's pretty enjoyable.. didnt really had much buys though but came back TM and end up both my aunt & me went for some free make-over by shisedo.. i love their facial product.. i tink there r really good.. well mayb cuz i didnt try others before.. hee.. out of de few pix taken one choosen by me was sent for some women's weekly competiton.. doubt i will but juz de plesure of making myself prettier.. like wat de amcee said: there's no ugly women.. only lazy n women who dun make up.. i agree in a way.. i only tink der's only lazy women but i tink some women still look good without make-up though some without make-up can scare de shit out of me.. hee..

talked to a buddy of mine earlier on.. she's confused.. i meant totally confused.. wat does marriage means to u? to me it means wanting to b wif this someone i love n whom loves me for de rest of de life.. every moment tinking abt him.. accepting all his flaws.. willing to sacrifice for him.. willing to do everything for him (of cuz within ur own means).. only den i can get married to a guy.. if not i tink i will rather b by myself.. when i was nursing my broken heart, i really wanted to juz pick any tom dick or harry to b my bf.. try to love them but afterall i juz find it really hard.. u dun haf to remind me.. i do know my standards r pretty high.. i've tried bringing it down n try getting to know a guy but ultimately i juz cant do it cuz i juz cant bring myself to love him wholeheartly.. den this is wat i call selfish act.. i cant imagine only one partner giving n de other giving.. i believe it works both ways only den a couple can live happily ever after juz like those fairy tales.. i still hope mayb one day i'll b like de princess in those fairy tales n find my prince charming.. if i cant den i wun get married, be left at the shelves.. hee.. back to my buddy.. she's pretty selfish cuz i tink she's ony receiving n not giving.. but i tink de gusy also selfish cuz he's only tinking abt wat he wants n nvr ask her wat she really wants.. anywae gal, u r a strong gal.. let ur feelings b heard.. stand firm.. dun let him lead u to an answer he wanna hear but rather let urself, ur heart b heard.. i'm always around if u need a listening ear but in this matter of heart i cant help u.. only u can help urself.. talking abt matter of heart.. i know my standards have been really high.. in term of looks, i'm not dat fantastic.. in term of character, i'm not dat good.. but i juz dun know y my standard is so high.. i tried bringing it down n tried hanging wif guys but ultimately i juz cant bring myself to love them.. i dun wanna lie to them.. cuz i know it's very painful when u r always giving n not receiving.. i will wait till de day i truely madly deeply love a guy, my prince charming.. when we r fated to meet, destined to b together for life.. till dat day, i will only love myself, my families n my frenz.. i wld rather stay single if i dun meet him.. it sounds abit crazy.. sounds like i'll b left on de shelves.. but i dun care.. it's really torturing to b wif someone u dun like wat more abt love.. so everyone out der.. be truthful to ur feeling, only den de other partner will not b hurt..

hey darling, juz wanna let u know no matter wat happens, i wil b here.. i seriously tink dat u shld ask for a letter.. it definitely will help u in ur career.. though i know u've been badly hurt n humiliated.. wat's done cannot b undone.. wateva i've said it's bcuz i care n i wanna minimize ur hurt.. i wish i was der for u last nite but i wasnt.. i'm sorry dat i didnt do my part as a fren.. if i were der mayb u might feel better.. mayb u wun b dat hurt.. shldnt haf been so engrossed wif watching tv.. i shld haf replied ur msg.. i'm so sorry.. anywae as long as ur conscience is clear, u dun haf to worry abt anything for i believe god is always fair.. god will bless de good.. so dun worry k.. right now wat u need most is rest.. u need enuff rest, only den u'll get de energy n fight this battle.. n it'll b a battle of victory..

to all my families & frenz: I LOVE U GUYS A LOT A LOT, EVEN MORE THAN MYSELF!!!!!!

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<33<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

dE wEeKeNdS r OvEr!!

2007-06-12T00:32:00.000+08:00

I would say it was a great weekend but i would say it was a fantastic sunday.. went to siti raudah's wedding after work wif monling & timothy.. we were pretty late so didnt manage to catch her n take pix wif her.. but i do wish her a blissful wedding.. it's not easy to find someone u really like, fall in love with n den reach to de stage whereby u guys wanna b together for de rest of ur life.. it's nvr easy..

welcome to my Humble House !!

lady in white (not a ghost though, heh..)

i love this dessert - superb!!

THE FOOD

WAS GOOD

crazy night out wif timothy, monling & my lovely cuzzie verine <3

after de wedding we went to david's humble house @ esplanade for dinner wif verine.. she was lucky.. she happen to b at marina square otherwise she cant join us too.. frankly speaking i'm in love wif de plc.. de ambience was good.. de furnitures were unique but utimately de food was great n i love de dessert.. cuz by de time de dessert came i was too full already but de dessert was good dat i told myself i muz finish it.. hee.. it wasnt dat ex after some welfare.. hee.. tks guys, i really enjoyed de dinner..

to tink of it, dat's like my 2nd supposingly expensive dinner within de week.. went barfly wif frances for dinner.. had a bottle of white wine.. as usual we proceed to double-o.. time for de-stressing..

TKS BABE FOR EVERYTHING!!

check out my new uniform.. it's like de smallest size but it still look big on me.. i shall get it alterede in de morning, provided i can wake up.. haha..

Before (wif liza)

After (pix still taken in ID)

I simply cant leave this plc..

bOrInG

2007-06-06T21:25:00.000+08:00

oh man.. it's far too boring tdy.. i need some hands-on otherwise i'll learn nothing.. guess de only exciting thing is i finally got my scrub suits.. haha.. n i can wear them tmr.. shall take a pix of it.. ,y blog is so boring these days.. no pix to make it more interesting.. but der's nothing interesting to take.. cuz these few days i juz go work n home n nowhere else.. really boring.. actually not boring but juz dat i'm juz so tired after work.. in fact i dun do anything at work.. mostly juz look see look see only.. but tdy is de last day of my orientation.. finally i can start work tmr.. hopefully i dun make any mistakes.. actually i did smthg interesting tdy.. it's call percutaneous tracheostomy.. done at ICU level.. cool but de doctors took so long to put it in.. crazy.. i was gonna fall aslp anytime man.. haha.. alrite guess by the end of the wk it'll b better.. got more stuff to do.. i've got my buddy bday party to attend.. wonder how she's gonna squeeze all her frenz into the hotel room.. but all i know is dat it's gonna b really really crazy.. haha.. den sun got my colleague's wedding to attend.. omg, one by one is getting married but where's my prince charming? though i longed to b loved but i still enjoy being single n the freedom.. contradicting.. cheers to a better tmr.. oh yah, i finally got my PR, but still got some paper work need to b done..

a BrAnD nEw & ExCiTiNg WoRkInG eNvIrOnMeNt <3

2007-06-05T21:46:00.001+08:00

this is my 2nd day in MICU.. tink i'm beginning to like my life der though i still miss my ex-ward.. missed my colleagues.. de fun n crazy pple to b wif.. during my 1st day in MICU, saw 2 bronchoscopy.. met new colleagues.. gotta start building up my relationship wif them.. met this really friendly Respiratory Therapist.. taught us so much stuff abt ventilator n bronchoscopy.. i seriously think dat she's damn cool.. learnt alot frm the staffs der.. der r really very nice n very willing to teach.. even though der's this ssn who's really fierce when she ask questions n things like dat, really very scary.. if she's ever gonna b my preceptor, i really wonder how am i gonna survive in MICU for 6mths.. but if i really get her, den juz my luck n i gotta change my perception of it.. take it as a challenge instead n in fact a strict teacher will b good cuz u'll b prepared b4 she shoot u any questions n i tink i'll learn lotsa stuff from her.. haha.. but it was pretty torturing yesterday, wif the orientation n info feeding.. fell asleep a few times.. can u imagine me slping standing.. haha..

tdy was much beta.. der was more handson.. in fact, der's 4 new staffs to micu, juz the expectation i haf out of myself, i've got one competitor.. tink she's not too bad but a little show-off.. anywae wateva.. in time to come, we'll know who's beta.. tink i cant accept any failure so i gotta start bucking up.. i wanna do beta than.. more knowledgeable than her but yet i wanna b humble n well-liked.. only good n not bad impression from pple.. hope tmr will b a beta day though i haf this really strong feeling dat she'll b der much earlier.. still contemplating whether if i shld b der early to learn abt the things.. wanna b der early to learn but yet i wanna stay humble.. tink i wun b der too early.. wateva i'm talking abt.. haha.. anywae cheers to a beta tmr.. hopefully my SNM can grant my leave otherwise i'll problem, i cant cancel my trip to aussie to meet up wif my frenz whom i havent seen for quite awhile.. god pray hard for me..

iT's GoNnA b A bRaNd NeW sTaRt...

2007-06-04T00:08:00.000+08:00

i've been so busy for this whole week.. well guess in a way i was gonna b transferred out of wd 58 and to MICU so been hanging out wif my colleagues very often.. let me refresh back wat i haf been doing..

mon: was a dieting day.. woke up in the morning n was rushng off my assignment.. assignment DUE date.. as usual diana nvr starts her assignment early.. it's foreva last min work.. i juz dun feel the stress till the very last min.. this is really bad.. i muz really get rid of this bad attitude.. if i'm ever gonna go for my adv dip wif this attitude, i tink i'll die a horrible death.. haha.. wtd to cancel my ortho TCU but the next earliest date was like aug.. i'm like no way man, i cant wait till den.. in the end decided to go for my TCU without finishing my assignment.. was super late for TCU plus all the delay n stuff, i finish seeing dr wong only like 6pm.. went back to the ward b4 dat, was really hoping to see jeremy, indeed i did but he didnt c me.. instead loh saw me n in fact 3times dat day.. hiaz.. juz not my luck.. anywae met did my xrays.. went n c mr wong.. but the queue was damn damn long, cldnt wait anymore so i went back to the ward to c how much assignment i can complete.. anywae i didnt manage to finish b4 my TCU.. had a chat wif mr wong.. left wrist has totally healed.. according to him, he used the new technology on me - titanium plate.. while my right hand will take a longer time.. in a way cuz TTSH used to old technology - mental plate.. anywae TTSH ortho really sux lor.. i really hate the scar they made.. not dat they made dat scar but the way they cut my skin really cannot make it man.. wateva.. complained to him abt my frequent backache.. went n do a pelvis xray.. nothing wrong wif dat as well.. in fact my pelvis has recover too.. by itself, without any ORIF.. but he gave me a question to ponder n i'm still pondering.. should i or should i not remove my plates.. the decision lies wif me but i juz cant make the decision.. i need more suggestions.. asked colin n he encouraged me to: saying dat i'm still young.. but dat's juz only one person.. i need more advise.. if i were to remove, i'll probably do it together.. i cant stand the thots of goin in OT getting anasthetised n goin thru all the trauma again.. really scary.. meanwhile i haf abt a yr to tink abt it.. after TCU, rushed back to the ward to do my assignment.. at last i finally manage to complete it.. thank god for my buddy, he sent me back to sch to hand up my assignment.. den we went for dinner.. it was supposed to b 3 of us but someone fly me aeroplane.. but it's ok la.. haha.. had dinner at BICE (the cannery).. not sure whether if the food really tasted good or i was hungry.. dat was like my first meal of the day, 8pm.. pathetic.. but i muz say, the wine was good.. the food portion was definitely not enuff.. end up, my buddy n i haf to search for smthg else to eat.. in the we settled for japanese pasta at Central, the new shopping mall at clarke quay.. the food was quite gd so was the dessert.. by then when we finish, i was so full n so tired.. home early for a good rest.. haha..

tues: nothing interesting.. haha..

wed: was so busy dat morning.. had a collapse.. but thank god managed to revived the patient.. luckily i had su wif me.. she helped me wif the resus n thank god patient turn bad when minghui n i were wif him.. otherwise i tink it'll b really difficult to save him.. but still i find the team very irresponsible.. the patient was supposed to b transferred to HD n yet they went out for lunch.. so who they expect me to call to check the urgent bld n to transfer the patient.. but i guess it was a blessing in disguise cuz in the end, it was jeremy who helped me wif the transfer.. being cute is one thing.. being so nice, dat makes him even more charming.. guess in a way dat was one great motivator for work but hiaz he's not in GS rite now.. n i'm leaving.. doubt i'll haf the chance to c him again.. sianz.. he was really really very nice.. no temper, helped to transfer the patient even though it wasnt his case.. helped me to push the bed.. helped us to transfer the patient to HD bed.. one of the rare ones.. really wanna thank him.. by the time i finishing passing report, it was already 4pm.. all tks to the other in charge who passed till 3pm.. i heard she wasnt only passing report.. she was gossiping as well.. save it when u r free la.. was supposed to go dinner wif su they all.. rushed home, got changed.. met vino first cuz everyone else was late.. luckily i took nasi lemak b4 i left the hospital otherwise i tink i'll faint.. haha.. anywae it was a great dinner.. very sad as well.. had dinner at swensen at vivocity wif su, vino, farhana n andrea.. i'm so gonna miss them.. oh had a farwell party at dbl o after dat.. it was so so packed.. came out a few times to bring pple in.. was kinda irritated.. in a way it was fun too cuz elmya oso came.. it was her first time der.. i was so scared she wun like de plc.. thank god der was siyu n vino to look after her.. but in the end, most of us end up looking after one person.. i was really pissed wif her getting so drunk but i guess she was really still upset over some stuff.. hiaz gals r still gals.. dun drink till like dat no knowing wat was happening ard u.. wat if anything were to happen to u? wateva past has passed.. u know wat's the worst part? i didnt even get high or drunk.. stupid hp had no batt was off, i already had a feeling b4 dat i'll lose either my hp or my card cuz my jeans pocket was too shallow.. exactly, while i was sitting down at pool room bar, i didnt expect my hp to drop n i didnt even realised.. damn it. actually i didnt feel very sad dat i lost my hp.. in a way relieved.. at least i can get rid of some hp no dat i dun wanna c.. no beta excuse for dat..

thurs: i seriously need a hp.. i'll die without a hp.. eric was so sweet, he came all the way to tampines to find me to help me get my hp.. was really stuck betweeen N80 & k810i.. he cldnt help me either.. juz a phone call n i was able to decide which hp i wanna get.. tks mel, i knew i wld make a right choice by calling u.. haha.. this was wat she said.. sinc eu like to take pix den u shld get k810i cuz it a cybershot hp.. true enuff i got dat phone n i really love it.. the pix r really very clear.. thanks babe once again..

fri: a terrible terrible day at work.. only four of us were working.. thank god der was su to help us. we were so so busy.. wif wat, i dun even know.. can u imagine none of us went for break n the best thing was dat we didnt even feel hungry cuz none of us was complaining.. anywae accepted a really stupid stupid case which took up most of my time.. i felt really bad for venting my frustration at the wd12 staff.. by the time i was done wif work, it was already 12mn.. saw anita, monling, mutha & michelle working nite shift at b2 n went over to chit chat wif them till alomst one b4 i went off.. happening staffs working nite shift.. haha.. went n meet frances at dbl o.. thot i will juz stay for awhile but still i ended home only 6plus in the morning.. waited for george to finish work n went st james wif him.. crazy crazy nite.. tink i'm dying soon wif all the alcohol i haf been taking.. smtimes i juz feel so breathless without any reason.. sooner or later i'm gonna get liver cirrhosis.. well mayb it's good in a way.. end all my suffering.. cuz i'm still feeling tired.. nothing seems to b helping me at all.. hiaz..

sat n sun was for me to relax.. slow down my pace.. time to reflect for the wk.. tdy was my last day in 58.. tears were at the brim when i bid farewell to my colleagues.. vino was so sweet.. she wrote me a card.. i really feel like crying.. though i've only been in ID for a yr or less but the bond is already der.. i really loves these pple.. most of them help willingly, no complains.. no back-stabbing.. out of their own wills, their kindness.. frankly i'm so used to working in 58.. been working here for 4yrs.. it's like a home to me.. colleagues playing a different role as my family members.. in fact i'm quite worried abt goin over to MICU.. i'm really afraid i cant coped.. frm all the stuff dat i hear frm mel, it's really scary.. everything is scary incl the course.. she's already struggling wif one yr wat more when i go next yr? it'll b compressed to half a yr.. stress!! stress!! met verine after work.. went shopping.. of all pple, i muz c chong.. if it wasnt for verine, i doubt i'll even realise or notice him.. he was wearing bright red.. unusual of him.. cuz he usually dressed in dull colours.. i was so shocked to c him.. i juz waved a quick hi.. not sure if i was too sensitive or wat but he didnt looked friendly at all.. mayb he was in a rush.. wateva.. had a good time wif verine.. she's such a sweetheart.. this was wat she msg me: "i happen to chance pass you blog. i dno why but your blog stirred up quite an emotion in me, just to tell you i really loveeee you loads and i want you to be happy. if any of my actions were to make you unhappy, i'm apologising for them. :) love you sis! yr blog made me cry, damn badly. hah <3..">

ThOtS....

2007-05-20T00:26:00.000+08:00

had a comment frm someone - many guys actually tinks dat u r wild..

definition of WILD: characterized by or indicating violent feelings or excitement, as actions or a person's appearance..

been asking myself, in wat way do i look wild?! do i behave wildly? so how or in wat way i behave wildly? cuz i party often? i party cuz i wanna dance.. i like to dance hence i like to party.. well mayb it's not a good form of dancing.. mayb i shld join some dance grp.. good idea?! of cuz not.. i dun haf dat much ample time to do this.. mayb it's not abt the time.. it's the commitment.. i wun commit in smthg i cant fulfill.. mayb i shld stopped dancing.. mayb i shld hate dancing.. juz when i was done depressing over smthg.. smthg is up to make me depressed again.. i simply dun understand.. one wave after another.. though some r mild ones but tink i've haf enuff of humongous ones.. really getting very tired.. more n more tired.. was juz talking to one of my buddy.. tink both of us r juz both mentally n physically drained.. no access for ventilation.. mayb not ventilation.. tink we juz need to get away.. juz the two of us.. or mayb alone.. juz sit n ponder n relax.. n tink wat's the next step in life.. wat's my next aim.. wat am i supposed to b focusing on.. we used to b so focused.. working towards our goals, our aims.. of cuz der's similarity among our goals but not all r the same.. we hang out so often.. we talk so much.. really a great deal.. till we haf this chemistry.. smtimes u juz dun haf to say anything.. she simply can read my mind.. miss those days riding together.. goin n getting off work together.. go trg after morning shift.. having supper after nite shift.. does lotsa things together.. very focused.. frankly i miss the period when i didnt even haf the urge of goin clubbing at all cuz all time were juz focused on my goals.. my aims.. my races.. wat else?!?! but those days i train a great deal.. so much dat i dun date guys.. most of the time were juz the two of us.. those were oso the moments when we can get over our depression really fast but now depressing stuffs juz keep floating in our mind.. y is dat so? i really dun understand.. but those were oso the days where guys find me too strong-headed.. too independent.. so wat's right n wat's wrong? guys r juz so selfish.. mayb women as well.. tinks everyone is selfish in certain ways.. of cuz everyone wants things to their benefits.. then who shld b at the losing end? no one wants to.. so do i?!

sometimes i feel tired.. sometimes i feel depressed.. sometimes i feel boring.. sometimes i feel helpless.. sometimes i feel lonely.. sometimes i feel useless.. sometimes i feel like a bitch.. other time i feel happy.. was i? or i'm juz being happy cuz i want my frenz to b happy.. recently there's more negative thots than positive.. i nvr felt like this b4..

i gotta confessed.. i did smthg really bad recently.. really really bad.. but dun blame me.. cuz i juz want to know the truth.. u betrayed the trust i had for u.. i really wanna trust u.. but wateva u said, well not all though was unbelieveable.. it's high time i do my detective work.. true enuff, u lied to me.. to tink i trusted u.. to tink i felt for u.. like i said b4.. i can b very nice but nvr take advantage of me.. thank god wateva u did was juz a small issue.. i wun take it to heart.. so friendship remains untouched..

i went running a few days back.. i actually managed to clock 13mins for 2.4km.. it's not fast but i tink wif constant training, i shld b able to improve.. but is it really ok to proceed even though i haf backache?! beats me.. tink i beta ask my ortho surgeon during my next appt.. i actually haf more backache now than last time.. not sure wat is it related to.. my goal for right now is to b able to at least do one running event by the end of the year.. once i managed to hit my target, i'll start training for adv racing.. though i know it's pretty difficult cuz if i were to start studying next yr, tink i'll b like melissa.. so stressed up.. she simply had no time for herself.. but i really wanna score well for my adv dip yet at the same time i really wanna row n run for my sch.. the most important thing is to row n to b able to feel the team spirit again.. from wat i gather, i may not feel wat i felt wif my team mates b4.. i really miss those days.. we rowed so hard together.. for wat?! juz to prove to everyone we can b champion which we did n it was unbelievable.. i really felt great back then.. n i wanna haf those feelings again..

yes, i'm finally goin to ICU though it's not SICU well at least they r doin smthg rather than getting stuck in ID.. it's not dat i hate ID or anything but it's juz dat i wanna achieve more.. i dun wan to juz stay ard n juz b a Staff Nurse.. but i'm so gonna miss my colleagues.. shall do smthg for each of them b4 i leave.. well i haf two weeks time.. shld b able to do it if i club lesser.. haha.. n i gotta start planning for my trip.. change of plan since liz is only finishing her exam on the 28th when i'm gonna b der on the 26th.. gotta work it out wif both liz n andrian soon..

i felt so bad dat i cant make it for my sis's commencement.. i really wan to b der but i'm only coming back on the 6th when hers is on the 4th.. but seriously if she really wants to go, i dun mind getting the tix for me to come back earlier though i haf to spend a few hundreds more.. i juz wan her to b happy.. tink she has been thru so much more than i do.. though we cant communicate nicely at times but deep down in my heart i really love n care alot for her.. god, pls tell me wat can i do to make her b little happier.. less miserable.. wateva it takes, i juz wan her to b happy even if it meant me to b dead.. if it makes her a happier person i dun mind.. i really dun mind.. i juz want her to haf a happy life.. a better life.. free from pain & agony..

i'M gOiN cRaZy.....

2007-05-16T00:40:00.000+08:00

dun know wat got into me but i juz feel so bored wif life.. i mentioned on msn, it's high time i do smthg.. but i really wonder n haf been tinking, wat in life i can do to make it more interesting?! i really wonder.. my life is really boring.. der's nothing i'm looking forward to.. really nothing.. y did my life become like dat? i dun like it n i'm really not used to staying at hm.. really boring.. but smtimes i also feel lazy to go out.. without sports, i've juz become a plain jane.. i hate being a plain jane.. i hate my life.. hiaz.. mayb utimately i juz hate someone.. hate him for jeopardising my life.. hate him for coming into my life.. hate him for making me feeling so miserable.. all these while i thot i can forget him.. but i juz cant.. am i feeling lonely? am i feeling not being loved? y am i tinking of him again?! whenever i travel alone, i tink of him.. whenever i'm alone, i tink of him.. whenever i go online, i tink of him.. der's juz so many things dat makes me tink of him.. remind me of him.. nonsense things i do, things i've nvr done b4, things i've done b4 but right now i'm doin them it's all bcuz of him.. mayb not, juz dat i'm feeling lonely.. this is so terrible.. i really hate my life now.. it's far too much free time for me to tink of him.. i really need to work on smthg so dat i can forget him.. i really need to forget abt him, everything related to him n move on.. gal, u gotta move on.. really move on.. n far away.. really far away.. FAR FAR AWAY.. HIGH HIGH in the SKY..

been feeling a little close to my sister recently.. so close until we r planning to really start saving for a plc of our own.. individual corner.. hopefully our plan can work.. nothing beats staying wif ur family.. miss my parents too.. miss my siblings.. miss the good old times we used to spend together but now they r so far away.. wish i can look after my dad now esp after his operation but i'm juz so far.. damn far.. i really hate my life.. life is juz so miserable.. life is pathetic..

seems like nothing is goin smoothly for me recently.. my adv racing fren msg me tdy.. i really miss racing.. i miss training.. i miss running.. without sports, i find no way for ventilation.. wif sports, no matter how stress or how busy or how upset or how tired or how lonely or watsoever, i'll still live life happily after ventilation.. der's juz nothing right now.. went running tdy but juz after 2nd round i felt backache but i didnt care n i juz continue running.. am i ruining my life? i hoped not cuz der's so many things i wanna achieve.. der's so many things i wanna do.. like getting my adv diploma.. getting promoted.. earning big bucks.. falling in love.. getting married.. starting a family..

i'm so sad now.. really sad.. so sad dat i'm tearing while blogging n chatting wif melissa.. tks babe.. and liz too.. for taking the effort to send m&m minis for me all the way frm oz.. believe me, i'm trying very hard to b strong.. alot of pple admire me, i know.. but pple dun know dat i actually dun admire my life.. i dun admire myself.. i simply HATE myself.. i really wish i was killed in the accident.. n b gone frm this world.. kinda feeling tired living.. wearing a mask everyday.. cant b myself.. but seriously speaking.. who am i? wat am i? wat kind of life do i wan? if i cant even answer myself, who can? god? is god really dat mighty? dat powerful? i wonder.. time for pondering.. time for meditating.. time for recovering.. time for isolation.. i cant take it anymore.. my head is juz spinning der.. it's tearing me apart.. BE GONE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> hope i'll b back soon.. really SOON.. BYE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

tHe LoNg AwAiTeD iNtErViEw!!

2007-05-09T01:17:00.000+08:00

well it's a so-so day for me.. work was alrite initially but as noon drew closer i juz got busy.. wif wat? not sure.. but i guess was b'cuz of the discharge.. alittle problematic but i still manage to send the patient home.. down one problematic patients but b4 i left came in like 3 new patients.. hiaz.. wat a day.. went for my interview wif the lecturer.. it took me like an hour to prepare my stuff b4 i headed for sch.. i had more time in fact but i was juz so tired dat i dozed off on the sofa.. it juz feels damn right n good.. by the time i reached sch n right in front of the class, the lecturer came out n wonder where's his student.. haha.. i thot i was juz on time but he said dat i was late for 3mins.. well at least the interview went well n he tinks my work was comprehensive enough.. yippy.. which means i'm on the right track n hopefully this time round i can finish my assignment b4 hand n not last min though i'm juz so used to dooin my assignment last min n i always do, same goes to exams.. haha.. talking abt it, was kinda happy when my fren msg me cuz so far it has always been me msging him but finally tdy he took the initiative.. it feels good.. =)

met my bro, anuar for dinner after sch.. we went for NYDC.. wasnt too hungry but i still end up ordering sanwiches.. tink i've grown fat.. it really sux to eat so much these days n seeing my tummy gets bigger n i cant work out to get rid of the fats.. tink i beta cut down on my consumption.. i dun wanna end up like 200 pound cuz i know i'll nvr b a beauty in my eyes.. anywae we went n watch spiderman3 after dat.. was kinda draggy.. but was not too bad n i still tink dat 200pound beauty is still nicer, right michael? =P

2007-05-08T00:45:00.000+08:00

it's been a wk since i last blog.. well guess it's been a boring wk cuz i was juz busy working n wif sch.. finally doin my last module.. hopefully everything will b great once after this wk.. wish me luck for my interview wif my lecturer tmr.. it's gonna be 10% to my result.. boring but i still gotta do it.. fret no more folks.. fun-loving diana will b back soon.. really soon.. well at least by this wkend.. haha..

TiMe PaSsEd DaMn SlOwLy or Is It FaST?!?!

2007-04-29T18:43:00.000+08:00

oh great it's wkend once again.. pretty fast but not fast enuff for me to get to aussie yet.. oh man.. i juz cant wait for my holiday to come.. i've a laid back wk for almost the whole wk.. had a chalet on wed n thurs nite.. went for my M5 paper on wed n i've yet to collect the result.. haha.. wonder if i pass anot.. will do it tmr den.. had a sumptous meal @ kenny roger.. of cuz der's pix.. juz waiting to b uploaded.. wait for piz taken by the princess.. haha.. we (jason, jasmine, siyu, monling n me) went grocery shopping @ carrefour.. bought quite a no of stuff.. u wun believe it, we actually managed to finish most of them by the nite.. as usual, wat can u do @ chalet at nite? of cuz we played card cum drinking game.. wanted to get drunk though but my luck was juz so good.. i only get to drink a few times.. boring.. oh yah, tim came n joined us.. guess wat did this buddy of mine allowed me to do? yes, played wif his car.. n clever me, got so scared dat i drove the car up the payment n front wheels were dangling at the "lonkang" haha.. but it was fun driving.. haha.. i accompanied n waiting for the tow truck cuz none of us cld do anything abt it.. when finally the car was in working condition, the guy didnt even charge a single cent for it.. how fantastic.. even if he does, i'll probably pay for it cuz i was the one who was at fault.. haha.. anywae tks tim.. u r the best.. haha.. doubt der's anyone else who'll allowed me to play wif their car.. for sure jason will not cuz he doesnt even allow jasmine to drive his car.. hahha.. wtd to tann on thurs morning but it wasnt even hot at all.. boring.. but we played the luge n skyride.. cool.. oh went to watch the 4d show.. met this really cute korean guy.. as usual i'm always up to my nonsense.. haha.. got him to take a grp pix for us n in return i need to help him to take a pix too.. haha.. was so tempted to take a pix wif him but i resisted.. haha.. oh after dat, we got out.. went kbox to singing session but der was only siyu, jasmine n me.. monling had to go hm cuz her mum was very upset as the grandpa got admitted for a fall at hm.. n this poor gal fractured her foot which we all thots was juz a sprain n bandage her foot up.. quite an eventful chalet cuz francine was supposed to join us for the 2nd day but she got admitted as well cuz her bp was too high n she went c-section at nite.. her baby was born on 26/04/2007.. but poor mummy n baby suffered.. mummy was under observation in the labour ward for a day cuz her bp was still high while the baby got admitted to neonate ICU yesterday cuz the baby got pneumonia.. was on ventilator.. pooor baby.. poor francine.. she suffered so much for this pregnancy.. wished i cld help her in a way or another except to brighten her up.. nothing much i cld do.. hiaz.. supposed to meet my lil sis shopping for her working clothes but was too tired after work, came hm n rest till nite den i felt bored.. joined my sis at dbl o wif her frenz n frances.. met this guy, my sis fren, nice chap.. :) he so sweet la.. offered to send all of us hm n actually cuz it was raining as well.. but the problem was he stayed at the west, frances stayed at the north n me in the east.. i felt so bad.. but overall it was fun last nite cuz i simply enjoyed dancing.. haha.. but for right now, tink i better faster go n finish my assignment.. sch starting tmr again.. so boring.. hopefully i can finish off by tonite den i can go tanning tmr.. i juz miss the sun n my tann..

aFtEr So LoNg..

2007-04-24T01:53:00.000+08:00

oh i havent been blogging for the past few days.. didnt feel like blogging.. well where shall i start.. erm friday 20/4/07.. was still sick.. stayed at hm the whole day.. didnt eat much either.. was juz watching my taiwanese drame (de hospital).. it juz makes me reflect on my hospital.. does such politics really happen? i meant der's definitely politics wherever u work but is it really dat bad? i really hate politics.. y cant we juz help each other n not cut each other's throat.. anywae dat's juz how realistic this world has become.. besides the show, i was so excited abt meeting my sec sch mates whom i know for 12 yrs n whom i havent meet for 8 yrs.. been tinking whole day how each & everyone of them would haf change..

met jeremy (kwok yuen) first juz outside balaclava.. he's so suave.. haha.. he used to wear specs n braces.. abit nerdy at time in class but look at him now.. haha.. too bad u r taken, otherwise i might work on u.. haha.. talking abt it.. thot i'm always late wif my appts.. instead everyone else was late.. i was like the earliest.. pretty unusual.. haha.. didnt expect bala to b so packed.. while waiting for celine n her beau to arrive, jeremy n me were hanging ard, catching up n looking for seats.. while we were all still waiting for seats, happen to c bernard (dinesh's fren) who got a table right under our nose when we were waiting right in front of him.. haha.. anywae he was still kind enuff to offer us a seat.. haha.. slowly one by one appeared.. marcus, joachim, shijian & xinguang.. actually all of them still look the same except a little more matured now as compared to last time.. i really had a great time talking abt how stupid each n everyone of us were in the past.. but wat i really missed wif this grp was the time i spent wif celine.. when we were very close.. goin to her plc after sch, hanging der till late nite den her mum will send me to the causeway where i'll take a bus across n get my dad to pick me up.. i really had alot of fun..

after which i hitch a ride frm celine n went over to dbl-o to look for frances n cat.. well in way cuz "glad" was celebrating his bday.. by the time i appeared, he's almost der already la.. (like drunk).. was pretty tired, it's more of the flu bug was getting the best out of me.. but still.. after the club closed, frances, cat n me went for supper.. dat was like my first proper meal for the whole day.. actually we were kinda waiting for george n his staffs to finish n close shop n adjourned to st james.. been der once but dun really like de plc.. n in a way it reminded me of someone who was supposed to pick me n my frenz up frm der but in de end, fly me kite.. wateva.. was kinda getting bored over der.. no guys to oogle.. nothing to do.. n by the time i got home was like 6am n for godness sake, i gotta work at 1pm.. thank god i survived thru work n in fact wasnt even tired..

22/4/07 ~ Sunday (DB gathering)

met my teammates at rice table at cuppage.. ate so much la till my tummy was bulging out.. haha.. miss rowing man.. i'm so gonna b back rowing one of these days.. had an enjoyable time.. actually kinda was celebrating melissa bday but without a cake.. tink she had too much of them the last few days.. haha.. anywae after which we went to tcc for coffee.. jintien: this is a high class kopitiam.. so they dun serve kopi or kopi-o.. haha.. it was really fun gossiping n bitching ard.. n of cuz not forgetting the news of jaime getting pregnant.. she was supposed to come down n gives us a surprise/shock but i kinda guessed it anywae.. but poor gal was not feeling well.. hope she's feeling better now..

after all dat, it was still early, n mel got her car already n we decided to do smthg which i've been wanting to do.. i wanna see him n get back my stuff.. went back to mel's plc n sneak out wif the car.. took a drive to his plc.. though it was far frm mel's plc but we had plenty of time dat nite.. i dun deny the fact i still wanna see him again n the fact dat i missed him n also the fact dat i've been very miserable for the past 2mths.. msg him, he dun reply den fine, down we go.. took a spin at his plc's carpark - tested mel's driving skill on a multi-story carpark.. nope.. his car's not der.. not home yet.. but the thot of seeing him again kinda frighten me cuz i dun know wat to expect.. take my things n juz go n i wanna find out wat really happen this period when he mia? told mel let's go back.. went onto the expressway n u-turn back again.. we were crazy..

waited at his blk.. somehow or another, i caught a glimsp of him returning hm.. looks like the way he walk but not sure but i still tink it's him.. went for a second round at the carpark n yes, we saw his car.. mel parked besides him.. she was worried whether if her parking was straight but dat was the last thing i was bothered wif.. suddenly so many things went thru my mind.. approached his plc.. no wanting to disturb his parents but not sure wat to do cuz he didnt replied even after we msg him dat we r outside his plc.. i felt so timid.. a feeling which i nvr felt before overwhelmed me.. like we r some kind of thieves cuz i forgot which flr he stayed n seems like we were playing wif the lift.. my mind juz went blank n i really dun know wat to speak to him when we c face to face.. instead i told mel:"gal, u help me to take my things can?" i dun wan to see him.. n seriously, i was having tachycardia, blood was like gushing all inside my body..

oh no.. someone opened the door.. it was his mum.. i was like hiding at the lift der, i heard footsteps.. he's approaching.. shld i say anything.. too shock to c him.. i didnt even look at him most of the time.. my eyes was so focused on my footsteps.. took my things back without even saying anything.. mel was like asking me to talk to him but my mind totally black-out on him.. wat shld i say, wat shld i ask.. do i really wanna hear the answer? i really dun know.. ended up i got mel to talk to him n yet she didnt managed to find out anything too.. i was really upset & disappointed but i juz dun know wat to do..

got his msg early in the morning..

"hi gal, it has been awhile, hope u r ddoin fine. i tried, but mayb i jus don lov u enough. i jus can't accept pr mayb the idea of havin to commit in a r/s(relationship), in another word, i'm jus not ready. Pls don b mistaken is bcas of other parties (but the fact was, it is). not respondin is juz my character, cas i don knw hw to express my tots. i jus nd time for myself. u take gd care. i'm sorry." upon getting this msg, i was alrite, in fact it felt a heavy stone juz drop off my chest..

juz somehow or another i happen to hear frm a fren whom he mentioned to the last nite, dat he has a gf.. i was caught in surprise.. guess it's juz stupid me who believed him time n time n again.. but yet got cheated again n again.. besides upset & disappointed.. i was mad.. i cldnt focus at work.. thank god i didnt kill any patients.. i chose to believe u.. all these while i nvr hope for anything.. i'm happy juz to stay as ur fren.. but u juz haf to toy wif the feelings i haf for u.. i muz admit LOVE is BLIND.. i was really blinded.. (damnit)

i know i muz stay strong now.. at least dat's my frenz say but i'm really very tired of being strong, being independent, acting like a clown in front of my frenz even though i'm upset.. i hate making pple worried abt me.. hate pple getting upset cuz of wat's happening to me.. it makes me feel so useless.. i dun ask for much except for a happy surrounding.. but right now i juz cant do it anymore.. can i juz let everything down? can i juz b wat i feel for once? i'm really getting very tired.. juz so tired.. so tired till i juz dun wanna try anymore.. so tired till i juz wanna let everything go.. so tired till i wished i can slp foreva.. juz so tired of trying.. juz so tired of my life.. really very tired of it.. i'm TIRED!!!

sUmPtOuS dInNeR..

2007-04-19T23:32:00.000+08:00

i'm damn suay (unlucky) la.. i as so grogy when i woke up this noon, obviously the floor was wet n i saw it but somehow or another i juz managed to slip & fall.. how fanstatic.. it really hurts n pain radiated to my upper back.. hiaz.. gotta nurse myself back so dat i can go out n meet my frenz which i did.. yippy.. i'll feel really bad if i can meet them.. being sick is not an excuse to me though.. crazy bitch.. haha..

while waiting for my frenz to turn up 2 guys came up to me for donations.. i was listening to my mp3 and msging on my hp n i rejected u, OBVIOUSLY i'm not interested.. anywae thk god casey appeared in time n we juz walked away.. haha.. sorry guys but i'm juz so not in the mood.. anywae back to my date wif my frenz.. met suping, casey & cheryl.. i'm juz so happy to see them.. the last i met them was in the hospital n i still can remember the taste of the sandwich dat casey made for me.. it's juz so nice.. hee.. :P

guess where we decided to go for dinner - tony romas.. the food was supposed to b nice but it doesnt taste dat good anymore.. steak dat we ordered as medium was like well-done.. so so chewy.. very good chewing exercise for the mouth.. n wif mr food critic, casey.. haha.. he was like complaining non-stop abt the food.. haha.. but i dun blame him cuz it really sux.. i would haf rather juz ate at mac instead.. cheap n nice.. hee.. hee.. but i really had alot of fun wif them.. after which we adjourned to swensen.. kinda like we passed der n i was like shall we go for earthquake? n dat's right, here we go.. the ice-cream was fantastic though i was having cold n cough but who cares, right?!

wtd to meet frances after dat but i felt quite tired after the ice-cream.. tink it's the illness makes me feel so lethargic.. hiaz.. though i'm off tmr as well but tink i beta come hm n rest which i did.. i'm gonna pop some pills b4 i go to bed later.. oh n my poor 'lil sis called me n cried to me.. she misses all her sec sch mates whom most r of different JC frm her.. so poor thing.. well, life is never perfect n u makes frenz everywhere.. u can always arrange to meet ur frenz some day juz like wat i did.. gonna meet my sec sch mates tmr of some i havent since sec sch.. omg, cant imagine wat kind of changes everyone will haf.. i'm so excited.. tink i shld b in bed n make sure i'm all good to meet them tmr.. good nitez..

sIcKy DaY

2007-04-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

it was a bright & sunny afternoon.. (all dressed up for party tonite wif shirin & stella @ insomnia.. supposed to b a farewell party for stella but sorry babe, i missed it.. remember to come back spore more often k though i know it's abit far..) but who knows de moment i came out of the train, it was raining heavily.. it really caught me by surprise cuz i was cold n for the first time i didnt bring my sweater out which i usually does..

anywae i had a bad day cuz my running nose juz got so bad.. can u imagine wearing the mask and ur mucus was like gonna drip anytime.. damn disgusting la.. sneezing the whole time like the whole ward can hear me.. guess i look like a reindeer wif a red nose.. yippy xmas time.. (like real)

was supposed to b out but de moment i finish work, i juz took a cab hm wif my colleagues.. hm sweet hm.. popped some pills n tink it's taking its effect on me already.. shall go to bed soon.. before dat, mel msg tdy.. she's so funny la.. "finally finish 1 paper. not sure hw i'll flare cuz totally mental block. i really like e gift. at least i can flip open 2 c every nw n den. thanks!" i'm glad u like it babe.. no idea wat i can do to help u de-stress alittle except this little action of mine.. dun worry i'm sure u'll make it thru.. :)

siyu was very sweet as well.. out of the blue she juz said this to me "jus wan 2 tell u. if u like the guy jus be with him. happiness is very important 2 a gal. wat ever decision u make, u will alway have my full support." isnt she sweet.. i told her at the moment my heart still haf him and noone else.. it's not easy to forget someone juz like dat cuz he has given me alot of sweet memories.. for i only like to keep sweet memories n let the bad ones float away or b gone wif the wind.........

hApPy BiRtHdAy MeL..

2007-04-18T01:17:00.000+08:00

it was a slow day.. woke up like almost 2pm.. crazy man.. i've been slping so much recently.. wonder wat has got into me.. first thing i got up was "quick i need to get melissa's gift done" to the photo shop first and get my photos.. but i took a really stupid pix of myself cuz i really needa a pix of myself saying "happy birthday"

u'll know wat i mean by stupid looking rite.. haha.. anywae dat's juz me.. love it or leave it.. haha.. after dat i rushed hm to get my work started.. while doin up my gift for melissa.. chatted wif this really sweet guy call keith (someone shirin intro to me.. :P) was really nice chatting to him.. though it slowed my work but it was a beautiful afternoon wif the rain.. :)

was supposed to meet my bro anuar earlier but by the time i finish the gift was already 7plus.. n dinner was ready, sorry to say but the crayfish looked too tempting for me to eat any other food.. haha.. anywae by the time i met anuar was like almost 9pm.. the moment i got to taka was like quick i need to get my cake frm bakerzin but my choc amer was sold out n got smthg else.. not too bad also la.. poor bro havent had dinner so we settled for orchard swensen.. wtd my usual sticky chewy choc but saw smthg new: chocolate overload.. but it still lose to my sticky chewy choc.. i still love dat the most.. tink choc fondue is the best.. oh no.. i'm confused.. haha.. wateva it is, i simply love chocolate.. :D

was supposed to meet another fren to play pool but by the time we got a cab, it was almost time to meet eric (my coach n my fren) @ mel's plc.. wtd to surprise her exactly at 12mn but tink we cake was melting already.. i swear it did cuz when i was putting the candles, it was all so soft.. the candles wasnt even standing properly.. tink merina (mel's sis) was even more excited than i do.. haha.. she called n msg me a few times tdy.. worst still used her sis's hp.. crazy gal.. but luckily mel is not smart enuff for my trick.. haha.. she didnt find out a single thing at all.. appeared at her plc wif the cake.. her sis bluffed her saying she saw smthg.. this timid gal hid behind the wall but she realised it was me n eric wif a birthday cake for her.. it was a short moment but she was really surprised by us.. hope it did gave her a good break away frm her books.. she was pretty upset dat she has to stay home n study during the eve of her bday rather than out celebrating.. guess wateva i planned was not in vain.. her sis n me had fun popping the party poppers and we made a mess out of her plc n had to get her maid to clear up the plc.. sorry.. hee..

only now den i realised she back together wif jason.. bitch, u didnt even tell me dat when u guys were back together for so long.. i dun even mind u guys r back, as long as he's nice to u.. wateva it is, as long as u r happy, i'll b der for u k.. i dun bear grudges anywae.. haha.. tks for eric for bringing up the valentine and bf.. talking abt dat.. i do miss someone.. i'm really trying to let go.. i juz need more time.. n i believe god will help me too.. :)

mOnDaY bLuEs..

2007-04-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

i dread goin back to work after a wk of leaves n esp. on a monday morning.. cuz monday morning is always expected to b busy but thank god, my juniors r so the powerful one.. so i needed to do was juz my in-charge work.. fantastic.. tks alot guys.. u guys were fantastic.. had sue ard as well.. it's kinda fun working in isolation.. dun mind being isolated away cuz i always haf alot of fun wif my colleagues.. but i receive a bad new the moment i arrived, one of my patients whom I've nursed for a very long time passed away.. so sad.. he was so confused at one time dat i had problem nursing him den he became so well dat he could actually wat shift i worked the day b4.. telling me n colleagues alot of stuff abt himself.. his sons were nice pple too though some didnt like them cuz they asked alot of questions.. but kinda expected, right, esp. wif ur loved ones..

was hanging ard in the ward for awhile cuz sister tay wtd to pass me some dressings for my scars.. she's such a sweetheart.. i totally agree wif the rest dat she's a good wound care nurse.. she's juz so knowledgable in her area.. i salute u man, sister.. met verine (my 'lil sis) @ TM.. went n get smthg done for a gf's bday which is like on wed.. she's been stressed wif sch n i juz wanna do smthg nice to chill her out n probably hope it'll help her de-stress abit so as to go further.. :)

overall, it's a slow monday, nothing much fantastic.. hope it'll b a beta day tmr but guess i'll b busy preparing for my fren's bday surprise tmr though.. i really hope dat she'll really love it.. :) cheers to a better tomorrow!!

dEr GoEs AnOtHeR wEeK!!

2007-04-15T17:02:00.000+08:00

der goes another wk, der goes my annual leave.. it's been really long since i last came in to blog.. thot i will do it more often but i doubt it.. anywae this was how i spent my wk..

monday n tuesday was in msia for my maternal granny's funeral.. i was pretty upset cuz my mum cant see her mum for the last time due to some personal reason.. sad.. sad.. though it is tough but my family will preserve.. talking abt it, when we r doin some traditional offering.. smthg interesting happen.. while we were burning the house, incence paper n stuff.. not caught by the naked eyes.. it was this green lighting which was shown on one of my relatives hp.. he kinda tooka video-clip of it.. i've absolutely no idea how to explain it scientifically.. hiaz.. though i'm not close to this granny but i used to play alot at her plc.. u'll definitely b missed my me..

wednesday was out partying n as usual at dbl-o n as wat i expected, i cldnt wake up for an exam on thurs.. thank god it's juz smthg i'm doin out of my free time so i didnt feel any stress at all.. imagine if it was my degree paper n i missed the exam, i'll probably juz drop down n cry.. though i need to pay like $80 for the re-test, i'm fine wif it cuz my "bro" kinda said he'll pay for me.. tks bro.. haha..

friday was fantastic.. sch was fun as usual cuz der's always jasmine to keep me company.. we always haf lotsa fun in class.. well, mayb it's kinda i entertain her wif my artistic picture.. haha.. rite after class, kelly n me went down town.. the taxi queue was super long outside sch, as usual being nice pple, we queued behind everyone.. but der was this particular cab dat turn back to pick up passenger.. since we were the last in the queue and noone wtd to board the cab so kelly n me went for it.. it was juz so coincidentally dat we board her uncle's cab.. do u know wat it meant now? we had a free ride to town to meet tommy (kelly's bf frm finland).. we had dinner at shaw centre.. oooo........ i love pastamania.. afterwhich we head down to orchard hotel - ballymoon where shirin sings.. i simply love this babe to the core.. she's fantastic.. she sings well.. fun to hang out wif.. most importantly, i've known her for like 10over yrs.. i really miss her alot.. i juz enjoy hearing her sing.. oh, den i met stella, shirin's fren.. a lady pretty in pink.. after shirin's last set, we went down to insomnia.. my first time der but dat plc was crazy.. talking abt dat, we had primero (super cute dude) & candice (super pretty hot babe).. met nana (singapore idol contestant) - she's juz so full of energy.. overall rating of insomnia - craziness.. haha.. after which i followed shirin to this plc called pump room.. another band was playing.. they were good as well esp when they played my fav song: sweet child o' mine.. it was alot of fun.. by then, like 2am in the morning, both shirin n me we were zonked out by all the craziness, we decided to juz chill out n chit chat @ coffee club.. took lotsa stupid pix.. having fun laughing at how stupid we look n of cuz de food was fantastic.. time passes so fast.. by then it was 4am where the cafe was closing.. we had no choice but to bid farewell to each other..

Saturday: slack at home the whole afternoon.. went over to lien's plc for SART gathering.. we had bbq at his plc.. his plc is really big but i didnt haf a chance to explore it cuz i paiseh to ask for permission.. haha.. den my good bro tim came n pick me n we went orchard to meet the gals at swensen.. they changed the venue but i didnt know so both tim n me ended up chilling at rouge outdoor.. another good plc too.. waited for my fren to finish work n for him to come over n join us.. he brought along a gal.. up to his sleeve again.. haha.. but dat's juz him n i dun care cuz he's a good fren n a nice guy to hang out wif.. haha.. we headed to dbl-o.. siyu met us der.. the 5 of us ended playing drinking games.. it was really fun.. frances, my buddy came n join me too.. wat came as a surprise was the whole gang of my colleagues came n joined me too.. it was really good cuz i miss them alot for i havent seen them for the whole wk.. it was fun partying wif them too.. well guess it's juz me, i cant survive without my frenz, for they r the one who keep me goin n to this far.. love u guys to the max.. MUACKKKKKKKKKKK........

Sunday: family day for me.. woke up really late like 2pm.. slack at home den went out for dinner.. my aunt wtd me to accompany her to go shopping after dinner at tampines mall.. though i was tired but i still went.. anywae it's juz another sunday dat's gonna end n i'm all hyped up for work..

iN pOsItIoN...

2007-01-09T14:36:00.000+08:00

finally back at work yesterday.. exactly 2mths.. abit rusty though but i still managed thru n in fact finished earlier than wat i expected.. i was so excited abt working dat i cldnt slp the nite b4 and was juz feeling so hyped up for work.. i really miss some of my colleagues so much.. they were so nice to me.. practically doin everything for me.. n i got scoldings when i wanna try n help to sponge patients.. i know they meant well but ultimately, i still gotta learn on my own..

yesterday was the first time after so many physio sessions dat i felt i really had worked out.. but it was so fun to b able to c myself back on my trg soon.. met my queen elizabeth n chin siah for dinner.. kinda motivate me to work harder at physio so dat i can feast after physio.. like wat i expected, had dinner at ding tai feng.. really ate alot.. our table was full of dishes n managed to finish up everything.. it was definitely fun to hang out wif my queen but didnt expect chin siah to b of so much fun as well.. wait till he hear him bitching abt pple.. haha.. supposed to b farewell dinner for liz b4 she goes back to Oz but seems like it wsnt cuz she's gonna extend her stay after talking to me last nite.. haha.. anywae she got nothing to do back in Oz so y bother goin back so early when she can haf more fun hanging out wif me.. =P

the queen decided mayb we shld go catch the movie named the queen.. it was juz all abt her n little pieces of princess too.. it's those kind of movie u cant watch during ur sleeping day (after working thru nite shift) or when u dun haf enuff slp cuz i was caught dozing off so many times.. too wordy.. but actually it's not too bad a show.. the couple besides us was so irritating dat liz suggested doin her parkinson disease.. haha.. they were talking non-stop n eating non-stop in the theatre.. irritating.. since we were catching the queen.. queen n princess were watching the show dat we decided dat graceful pple like us shldnt bother wif them.. haha..

i totally forgot dat we actually met rafei for a drink at rouge outdoor.. he's juz so funny.. not the usual kind when he's at work.. guess like wat he said: i'm very serious at work.. haha..

went home after movie.. early nite.. while watching for dat someone to call me.. i too fell aslp.. guess not slping well the nite b4 does haf an effect.. =)

since it's my off-day tdy.. n it's been raining the whole day.. guess i shall stay at home n b a good gal.. not dat i wan to but i was juz too tired to go out.. haha.. mayb will meet YC tonite.......

bOrInG dAy

2006-12-05T23:27:00.000+08:00

another day juz passed.. it's really getting boring to stay at home, do nothing n juz eat n watch tv.. this is so not me n i really hate this lifestyle.. wished the accident didnt happen at all.. hiaz.. wat to do, i'm juz so "suay".. but on second thots, i juz had a phone call tdy frm lien my adventure racing fren.. glad he gave me smthg to do to keep me busy but i gotta find out more first.. c'mon "jia you!! jia you!!"

but wait a min, tink i did smthg else tdy.. someone's relationship advisor..haha..not exactly la cuz this kind of thing cannot depend on me..it's all abt the 2 parties rite..anyone km dun underestimate me..i'm not dat lazy n irresponsible k..der's always a reason behind everything i do..got it?!?!hahahah..

Back in SGH after my discharge..

2006-12-05T00:57:00.000+08:00

it's been a week after i've been discharged.. it's damn boring lying at home n doin nothing.. i guessed.. basically all i do at home is sleep, eat n watch tv.. nothing else.. i'm rotting n wasting my life away.. hiaz..

went back SGH to see my plastic surgeon who did a marvellous face job for me that left me with no scars on my face at all.. unbelieveable rite?!?! let me explain.. he made a tiny slit on my right scalp to open up the skin flap as it was flattened down after the maxilla fracture (cheek bone).. he made another slit frm inside my right eye and oso frm inside of the right upper lip to fix a plate in.. it's still slightly swollen but most of the swelling has gone away.. thank god he waived his doctor's fee otherwise i would need to pay $90 for a short "meet-the-doctor-session".. verine my lovely cousin accompanied me n liz my buddy in crime came along as well..

met timothy, another buddy in crime n accompanied him for lunch n we took off to paragon for my physio session.. not that tiring as wat verine has warned me beforehand.. n of cuz is shopping time after physio.. went to nike women @ ngee ann city n i spent alot tdy.. Plastic TCU: $50, Physio: $100, Lunch: $50 and Nike: $250.. this is crazy.. i gotta stop spending so much n start saving more..

6th JuLy 2005

2005-07-07T14:10:00.000+08:00

it has been more than half a year since i've got off on wed.. guess this is the second time.. nothing much interesting had happened.. went for my bike lesson n i passed n now i can proceed to 5.02 which is the in-circuit test.. once i pass this, i can get my PDL n i can ride on the road.. to tink of it, i pillioned my fren melissa yesterday.. she so much bigger in size than me n it was damn scary.. i was afraid i'll lose balance n both of us will fall, thank god it didnt happen.. but my bike stall a few times on the slope, haha.. went dbl o at nite.. been quite awhil since i went dbl o for ladies nite.. really alot of ladies.. didnt expect a wed to b packed as well.. had quite a fair bit of fun, drank quite a fair bit n got quite a fair bit high.. haha.. i'm like drinking my liver away man.. i really wish to cut down on my clubbing.. i'm so sure i'm gonna die earlier based on the no of nite i spend at dbl o.. crazy man.. well guess dat's all for it..